Amazing how a great end to a bad year can then turn into the start of a new year that is going to be a repeat of the bad year.
Translation: the return of the manic episode.
Things have been going really well since August 2011 when I went onto the Limotrigine. Really really great since I've been on 200mg/day. Turns out since being on semi-vacation I've been less than conscientious about exercising and eating well and limiting my caffeine intake and worst of all remembering to take my meds. All of the wonderful things that are supposed to keep me stable and human.
Cue insecure wife.
Now I'm stuck with an insecurity about my dress sense and not fitting in with the few people we know here and no help of fixing is. DH is so hard to deal with. He just doesn't understand how badly his thinking-out-loud process brings my self-esteem down. And how quickly.
I know I'm supposed to be supportive and understanding of his condition. Its really hard to understand something that I've never been through and something that cannot be seen. And I know I've had 3 years to learn to deal with things. But he's never had to try do to that for me. He always made me try to change how I was before I got the diagnosis of Bipolar 2. And then I went onto the meds because I couldn't take it any more. Being a failure at controlling my own emotions and thoughts and mind is a monstrous chip in the ol' self-esteem.
How can I go off the meds and get pregnant and risk being this + hormones?
How can I not get pregnant and hope to remain sane???
I have been wanting this for so long. I have waited for him to be ready, and put his welfare ahead of what I want for 5 years now.
IT'S MY TURN DAMMIT!!!!!