Scared

kbbyerly's picture

i just found out via blood test from the doctor that i'm six weeks pregnant. i knew long before, having taken five tests and already showing symptoms such as cravings and tiredness. i'm really scared, though. for a lot of reasons. first they told me everything was okay and now they are telling me that ... and i forget the name of the enzyme or hormone ... is showing low levels, which means the baby isn't developing right.

as if that isn't enough, my husband barely makes enough money to support himself, me, and my step-daughter. i don't know what we're going to do. he's looking for a new job but who knows when or if he'll get it.

i'm filing for disability, as i suffer from bipolar, anxiety, schizophrenia, migraines, insomnia, and liver disease. will they take away all my medications? i can't live without them - two days without my anti depressant and i can't even get out of bed or do anything but cry. and my liver disease harms me now ... what will it do to the baby? i need my meds but i also don't want to do more harm to the baby, who at this point, seems to be holding on by a thread.

i've thought about abortion, which i've done before, once. i've never had another child or suffered a miscarriage. but after looking at this page and seeing how the baby grows, i couldn't go that route again. i just couldn't. and adoption is out of the question - i would constantly wonder where he/she is in life and what they're doing. if they are happy without me. i'm 34 and this may be my last chance to HAVE a baby - if i can actually carry it full term.

i'm so scared ... about so many things. i don't know what to do or who to turn to. all i do is cry and sit here online reading. right now all i want to do is make sure this baby is healthy. which it doesn't seem to be. i'm worried. i'm scared.