This weekend i found out that I was pregnant with my second child, im 22 years old and live with my partner Anthony and my 15 month old Daughter Sienna in the House we bought in June 2008, we have been renoating - taking it right back to brick, but it is now nearly finished. Its a beautiful 1930s semi with working fires, 3 bedrooms, 2bathrooms, a utility, conservatory and lovely big garden. But now im starting to worry about space! The 'spare' room, which is really my room, containing all my clothes and shoes etc will have to be turned into Siennas room so her room can be for the new baby, where do i put all my stuff!!??? its a shame we have just finished decorating both rooms and Siennas room is gorgeous it seems a shame to change it but we wont know if we are having a boy or a girl.
My last pregnancy was very unexpected, we hadnt been trying at all and had only been together 7 months when we found out i was pregnant, i was scared as i was so young and our relationshio was so new - we didnt live together Anthony didnt even have a full time job! But i was also thrilled, i had been seeing my doctor for tests as my period was very erratic i would have one heavy period and then none for months but in no pattern, it wasnt like this until the last year. I had been told to prepare myself for fertility problems, which was heartbreaking - id always wanted a big family. When I did a test just as a routine really for my next docotrs appointment i wasnt expecting the result at all! I was at work! I was so worried about what Anthony might say, i wanted us to make the decision together, it was both of our child not just mine. He was so excited sraight away without a question of wether we were keeping it, i felt so loved.
When it came to telling our parents, things were slightly less exiting.
I told my mum in floods of tears but she was great and supportive, when it came to telling my Dad i was much more frightened! I had always been a daddys girl and really didnt want him to be dissapointed. He was very ill and had been operated on a few days before so he was in bed at home, crying all the way up the stairs Anthony and my mum had to practically force me up! i finally got to the door and just couldnt speak! my mum handed my Dad a beer and he guessed straight away saying, 'Mary you should have bought something stronger!', he always had a wicked sense of humour. He asked all the expected questons and i explained i didnt know what we wee going to do and that we had only just found out. The next day however, once he had gotten used to the idea we had a lovely chat and a cuddle and he was great. From then on everyone was excited! I still couldnt shake the feeling that i felt like a naughty school girl though, its a shame because had we been married no one would have ever dared asked if it was planned and all the ridiculous things aquiantances and people at work ask!
I decided that there was no way i could get rid of my baby, it hadnt decided to be conceived I had brought it here and who was i to decide wether it should live! I was young and my life would change dramatically but i felt so much love for my unborn child and the responsibiltiy to give it the best life i possibly could. My decision was also based on the fact that i knew my Dad was very sick, this might be the only child i have that my Dad would meet, this was the most difficult thing to face my Dad was such a big part of my life and I had always wanted him to be a big part of my childrens lives - it was bitter sweet that we were faced with so much joy and the chance for my Dad to hold our child and so much sadness at the thought of losing him and him not being able to watch her grow up. I am eternally greatful that i was able to spend time off with my dad before my daughter was born and that he was able to be her first visitor. Shes so much like him, so intelligent and funny, even the way she sleeps sometimes with her hands clasped on her belly remind me so much of him. Shes a little part of my Dad that i can still hold on to.
My pregnancy with my Daughter was difficult, i had hyperemisis and was sick 10 times a day or more, i couldnt eat and my body would go into sarvation and start eating away at my muscle tissue, when this happened i knew my baby wasnt getting any nutrients and was told a few times to prepare for the worst. i was hospitalised and on drips and tablets for most of my pregancy i was still working as i was determined to do my best and not have people at work thinking i was taking too much time off. it seems so silly now when i look back on how ill i was. throughout my pregnancy i put on 9pounds, Sienna was 8pounds born and the next day i was already down to nearly 8st with no belly it was bizarre even the midwives couldnt believe it. i lost alot more weight over the following week and as i continued to breast feed, it took a while to get back to a normal weight. im now 8stone 9pounds. I think i was also affected by stress, four days after Sienna was born my Dad really started to deteriorate and was taken into hospital, he spent alot of time between hospitals having treatment and home so we were travelling up and down alot trying to see him as much as possible. It was a very hard time, it all seems a blurr now really those first few weeks of her life were so busy. I lost my dad on the 14th of January 2008, me,sienna and my mum were with him we stayed at the prospect, it was the worst time of my life i couldnt believe my dad had been taken away from me it wasnt fair. I still find it very hard to deal with now, i miss him so much and wish so often that he was still here to talk to and cuddle and watch as Sienna took her first steps on new years day.
I think thats why i feel so odd now, its the 11th of January, coming up to the first anversary of my dads death and i really cant believe its forever, its just sunk in really - that might sound odd but im sure some people will understand what i mean. Especially as my dad was in the RAF so we were so used to him going away and coming home.
I couldnt put my finger on what it was and I felt awful that i wasnt immediately excited like i was with my first, i feel like a bad mother but i just felt like it was unreal. I couldnt believe that i was actually pregnant, it all felt like a dream. And then i was sad because this child would never meet my dad, he would never get to hold them and know them and that just breaks my heart. I had only just been to the doctors for the pill and we werent trying for another child, we were going to wait until Sienna was a little older, I also feel so sad about my Dad and feel like i cant be excited right now its too difficult to think about anything especially something so important as this, but i hope that I will be soon because i know that i already love this child and i cant wait to see what it will look like and who it will grow up to be, wether Sienna and the new baby will be similar or completely different.
Im hoping that when this particularly difficult time passes in a week or so that i can start to think about whats actually happeningand the realisation of this new little life will suddnely set in. I hope my Dad is watching us and that in some way this new baby is a gift to ease the pain of this horrible time, im the furthest from alone that i can be with our new child growing inside me. Maybe the new baby and my dad already know each other.