Read More of Dr. Laura's Parenting Tips

Most parents nowadays try not to use physical punishment. Many have been advised instead to use timeouts to "calm" kids down and correct bad behavior. But any child can explain to you that timeouts are still punishment. And we all know that sending a kid to a timeout it is not the best way to calm him!

What's wrong with timeouts for disciplining kids? Nothing tragic. They are infinitely better than hitting, and much better than yelling. But Timeouts do not work to create better behaved children.

Here's why.

1. Instead of reaffirming the relationship so that the child wants to please the parent, timeouts create a power struggle. Timeouts pit you and your authority against the child. It's true that as long as the parent is bigger than the child, the parent wins this power struggle, but no one ever really wins in a parent-child power struggle. The child loses face and has plenty of time to sit around fantasizing revenge. (Did you really think he was resolving to be a better kid?)

2. Because you have to harden your heart to your child's distress during the timeout, timeouts erode your empathy for your child. Yet your empathy for this struggling little person is the basis of your relationship with him, and is the most important factor in whether or not he behaves to begin with. So parents who use timeouts often find themselves on a cycle of escalating misbehavior.

3. Timeouts backfire with toddlers because two- and three-year-olds love to experience their sense of power and agency in the world, and timeouts teach them they can get a big reaction from you, so they repeat it. Research shows that ignoring the bad behavior is generally more effective than negative reinforcement. If the behavior can't be ignored, such as hitting, it is more effective to remove the child to his room to calm down, but to stay with him. Don't call it a time out, and don't leave him there alone. Calmly explain that if he hits, he can't be with other kids, and that he needs to calm down. Again, an emotional reaction from you will provoke a repeat offense.

In summary, Timeouts, while infinitely better than hitting, are just another version of punishment by banishment and humiliation. Research shows that punishment is never as effective as positive discipline to encourage good behavior. Using timeouts on your kids should be considered a last result and a signal that you need to come up with another strategy.

I do think Timeouts are a terrific management technique -- for yourself. When you find yourself losing it, take five. This keeps you from doing anything you'll be sorry about later. It models wonderful self-management for your kids. And it ultimately makes your discipline more effective (see Handling Your Own Anger on my website).

Parents who use timeouts as threats are often shocked to learn that there are families who never hit, never use timeouts, rarely yell at or threaten their children -- and have well-behaved kids! But you shouldn't need to use these methods of discipline, and if you're using them now, you'll probably be quite relieved to hear that you can wean yourself away from them.

What else can you do? Check out the Positive Discipline section of my website for more specifics, but here are some basics to reduce the need for discipline:

1. A good relationship is your foundation; discipline doesn't work without that.
2. Stay two steps ahead of your kid, so you can give him ample warning before transitions.
3. Always leave extra time to get anything done, which reduces your stress level and lets you be more patient. Rushing kids stimulates resistance from them.
4. Make sure your child gets enough sleep. It's much harder to stay patient with a cranky kid.
5. Sidestep power struggles. Give her as much control over her life as possible so she doesn't need to rebel.

Finally, when all else fails -- as it often will, because we're only human -- fall back on your sense of humor. How? Don't let your buttons get pushed. Turn things into a game. Distract your child with jokes and riddles. Sit down on the floor and laugh until you cry at the absurdity of the whole thing. The truth is, when you're in a good mood, and have a good relationship with your child, parenting gets a lot easier.

And remember, this too shall pass.

Send Page To a Friend