So I wanted this to be the month that I conceived. I wanted it so bad! I ovulated around my birthday (last weekend) and it would have been the perfect birthday present! Too bad I was too tired to have sex. I think my boyfriend is getting frustrated too. I'm working 40 hours a week at my new full time job, plus I'm still working between 3 to 5 shifts a week at my waitressing job. I wish I could give up the server gig, but I need the money, especially if I'm trying to save up some extra cash for when there's a brand new baby around the house.
If I work a dinner shift at the restaurant after an 8 hour day in the office (8.5 hrs if you include lunch) I won't get home until 9:30 or 10 at the earliest. Then I still have to eat dinner (usually takeout that I picked up on the way home), prepare for tomorrow and unwind a little bit. When it's all said and done we're usually in bed around 11 or midnight. Then even if I have a little bit of energy left over all I can think about is my alarm going off in 6 hours or less! It's the worst feeling in the world. I already have the "failure as a mother" feelings since I can't even muster up enough energy to conceive the poor child plus I know my boyfriend wants to do the baby dance more than the once a week we are managing to make it happen.
To make matters worse I end up salting my pillow a little with a few pre-sleepy time tears when I think about how badly I want this baby and how pathetic I feel that I can't even complete the very first step down the road to baby. It's the worst cycle of self-loathing I think I've ever been in, and let me tell you, I've been in a few of them.
Another thing I should mention while on this topic is that I am probably the least aggressive sex fiend out there. I want to do it all the time, I think about it all the time, but I am so scared of making a wrong move and turning my boyfriend off that I can't bring myself to initiate anything. Let's face it, I'm just a big pile of pathetic and it's not going to get any better unless I make it happen. Boo.