Tristine's Triumph -- Entry 23

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December 31

I have been keeping myself busy and it seems to have kept the emotion at bay. I even managed to hold my new niece for the first time since she was born. She is almost 2 months old now. I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but her mom was busy with the other kids and she started crying and I picked her up and changed her diaper. She didn't fuss for me so I just tried to enjoy the baby loves while I could.

Even when I got home, I didn't feel too sad. Only a little scared that I won't be able to be a mom to an angel here on earth. I know that thought stems from the upcoming anniversary date. Hopefully these emotions will settle down after the anniversary date and the 20-week milestone.

It is hard to imagine that I am 17 weeks. I know I have felt the baby move a few times already but nothing major. I am anxious to feel him or her move more regularly. And deep inside, although I try to smother the thoughts, I am looking forward to the upcoming ultrasound. I have no preference if it is a boy or a girl, but I am curious nonetheless. I have been looking over some of the names I like and imagining what it will be like to name our child without being rushed into it like we were with choosing Gabriel's name. Although I would love to start calling this little baby by a real name as soon as I can! Of course we have pet names for our baby in the meantime!

I have also been noticing my belly being more pronounced. I think I was this big with Gabriel at 20 weeks. Of course, I haven't lost any of the weight I had gained in that pregnancy. And I know I have been putting on the pounds with this pregnancy. Maybe now is the time I should be thinking about getting some maternity clothes. I have outgrown a pair of my overalls and finally unpacked my stretch pants. Since it has been cold, my over sized sweaters have been doing well at keeping me warm for now. I guess I can wait a little while longer before trying to find some things to wear for the spring.

As for the upcoming New Year, I have no resolutions. I have been saying goodbye to all the bad stuff that I have endured this year (and some stuff from the previous year) and I look forward to welcoming the New Year with a fresh start. This pregnancy has been scary yet at the same time, it has renewed a part of me that helps me feel more alive. Here is to hoping that this New Year brings us some happier memories!

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