Tristine's Triumph -- Entry 11

Read All of Tristine's Triumph

October 17

Today was our first ultrasound. I was so thankful that my husband was with me. While I was sitting in the office, I tried to avoid seeing any of the pregnant bellies or the little babies. I was just too scared. I have always wondered if I would ever get a chance to watch my belly grow so big. I have always wondered if I would ever get a chance to see my baby smiling back at me. I was wondering if I would even hear a heartbeat.

By the time they called us back to the ultrasound room, I was glad to get out of the lobby. But now the time was upon us to hear for a heartbeat and take the first view of our little one. Because I have been spotting, I have been nervous about a repeat scenario occurring with us that happened with our 5th loss. I had started to spot and after 3 days of spotting, I went into the doctor's office to get an ultrasound. We didn't find a heartbeat that time. Heartbroken and with tears in my eyes, I had walked out of the office that day with another hole in my heart.

I got myself ready for the ultrasound and we waited for the technician to return. We heard a knock at the door and the technician entered the room and she turned off the lights. Showtime.

My husband held my hand as soon as the lights went out. I think we both were holding our breath. The technician found our little one and clicked on the sound. The thudding of our little ones heartbeat allowed me to loosen up my grip on my husband's hand, but it didn't erase all the tension I have been feeling. The heartbeat rate was 115 bpm. The last pregnancy that I heard a heartbeat popped into my head. The heartbeat was 111 bpm one week before I miscarried. I hoped that we wouldn't have to walk down that path one more time. The technician reassured me that the heart had started beating just recently, which was why the number looked low. She even said that the sac was implanted in a good spot, high up in my uterus.

We met with the doctor who informed us that things were looking ok. The test results on my PPT test came back and I was clotting well. He wanted me to come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound. He also said to take it easy since I was still spotting.

On the way home from the doctor's my husband asked me if I felt better now that we saw the heartbeat. I told him I was still scared. I just have to get through all the milestones of our miscarriages and then I would feel better. We just passed a milestone for our miscarriage at 5 wks. There are 3 more milestones to go. I will just have to take it day by day.