Tristine's Triumph -- Entry 13

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November 1

What a crazy week this has been. I haven't had much time to think about our pregnancy with everything that has been going on. I guess that is a good thing though. No sense in stressing myself out when there is already a lot of stress occurring outside the pregnancy.

Last Tuesday, my father-in-law was in a bad car wreck. After a day in the hospital, he was released so my husband and I have been helping out as much as we could while he was resting for a couple of days. He is very fortunate to survive the accident. I never saw the truck. But my husband did and from his description it makes me think that someone was looking out for his dad.

Wednesday was our 5-year wedding anniversary. Since we have been so busy, we agreed to celebrate this weekend. We usually go out to eat at a new restaurant we haven't tried before and have drinks. Of course, I won't be able to have any drinks but I will enjoy a meal I don't have to cook!

On Thursday, my sister-in-law went into labor with her third baby. I couldn't bring myself to go to the hospital but I did watch the three kids at home (one a stepson to her). I was glad I wore them out and they slept well that night for their dad. I am glad that this birth was not as hard on me as the last pregnancy was.

It is sad to admit it, but I really have a hard time dealing with people who are pregnant or who have just had a baby. I am grateful that they don't have to face loss like us and I am grateful they have a healthy baby.

But it makes me think of all my angels and I cannot help to wonder why I have not been able to hold my sweet ones and watch them grow up. My empty arms hurt so much. I know these feelings are quite normal for someone who has endured such loss and knowing that does help me have patience with my feelings.

I probably won't go see the new baby for a while. I am scared too. I have had worse reactions to her deliveries in the past. With her second pregnancy, I started lactating due to stress and felt as if I was emotionally knocked back to the day we lost our son. After 6 losses I have endured, while she has been so fertile and had uncomplicated pregnancies, I still have a hard time coping with her newborns. I know that will change once I get to see my own newborn in my arms, but until then, I still have to cope with the feelings of grief that are brought about by a big belly and a newborn.

I must admit that I have had two other people in my life have babies since we have endured loss after loss. But it was easier to deal with their pregnancies and losses because they lived out of state. I didn't have to watch their belly grow. I didn't have to hear their newborn cry. I even went so far to ask them not to talk to me about their pregnancy or their babies because they would call me when I was feeling so low and then complain about getting fat or having to stay up all night with their baby. What I wouldn't give to have those moments! They have no idea how lucky they are to have such beautiful bellies and babies!

It bothers me that I have to struggle with this. Especially since I am pregnant again. One would think this current pregnancy would make me feel more hopeful. One would think that this current pregnancy would be my focus to get past this grief. But this pregnancy isn't real to me yet. I am just running through the motions, trying to cope as best as I can with the day-to-day stress.

Well, I guess that is it for now. I must get myself ready to go out to eat with my wonderful husband. I am so grateful he has been by my side during all this heartache! I do not know what I would do without him. Wow! Five years together and he hasn't gotten sick of my craziness. He is truly a special man!

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