February 8, 2002
I am sure glad that the exercises didn't cause me to feel so achy last week, although what DID cause me to feel achy was pretty bad. It ended up being a nasty flu bug. It had been passed around to all the in-laws before getting to me. My husband even came down with it before I did. I was hoping that I would be lucky with my flu shot but this flu bug made me feel terrible for 5 days. I am glad it is done and over with.
Other than being sick, I have been doing well with this pregnancy. I visited my physical therapist again and she said that I am really making progress with my exercises. The biofeedback program that I get wired to really shows how much I have improved. I was really looking forward to a better birth experience because of my exercises. But according to my doctor, it isn't going to be the birth experience I had hoped for.
Yesterday, when I went in for my appointment with my OB-GYN, I started asking about what to expect for the remainder of the pregnancy. Now that the major milestones are passed, I have entered a part of pregnancy that I have never experienced before. The doctor said that he would like to do two more ultrasounds because I am at risk for IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Retardation). He also wanted to schedule the Group B Strep test and the diabetes screening a little early. The extra ultrasounds had me excited! I get to see my little one again!
I started asking questions about birthing options. I know there has been some back and forth as to my ability to labor and deliver vaginally. But today, I was rather disappointed to hear my doctor say that he wanted to just schedule a cesarean section, rather than put me through a rough labor only to have a c-section done anyway. He explained that my pelvis is not shaped to accommodate a vaginal delivery. I have what is called a Platypelloid Pelvis. While most birth canals are shaped in a round fashion, my birth canal rather narrow and elongated, almost kidney shaped. The excitement I felt about the ultrasounds completely vanished with the news of a c-section.
I was so disappointed with this news that I had to hold back the tears in the office. Once I got into my car, I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. I know that having a c-section isn't a bad thing. I mean, if it will help my baby come into this world and not add risk to her health, then I am fine with that. But I still couldn't help but feel like a failure. Given my history and all the complications I have faced with this pregnancy, I had hoped that at least one normal thing would occur with this pregnancy. My last chance of something normal was the hope that I would be able to experience the joy of pushing, and feeling her come into this world. Now, I didn't even have that hope.
After I calmed myself down, I drove home and remained rather sullen throughout the rest of the day. Memories of the delivery of our precious angel, Gabriel, came to my mind. I still feel the awe of how my body delivered Gabriel without any help from me. I can remember the paramedics telling me not to push, and with all the power I had in me, I tried and tried to fight off the feeling but my body was in charge that day. I remember telling the paramedics that I couldn't stop my body from pushing. Through the fear of the situation, I could feel how small he was. I didn't have a good comparison at the time, but he was no bigger than a Beanie Baby Blue Jay at 20 weeks gestation. We didn't even make it to the hospital before I delivered him in the ambulance. Thinking back on this experience also brought to memory the miscarriages I have experienced. My body felt the back labor, my body felt that urge to push, and my body was responding how it was suppose to respond. Now, regardless of how my body was suppose to respond I would not be able to go through a vaginal birth with a full term baby.
My mood has improved considerably since yesterday. Maybe I am just distracted with other thoughts. I still feel sad about needing a c-section. I have just been thinking that since I will be cut open for the c-section, this would be a good time for me to get my tubes tied. Throughout this pregnancy, I have been contemplating our future and questioning my ability to go through all the pills and the shots and the surgery for the cerclage for another child. And now I have to add having a c-section to the list. It has started to discourage me about getting pregnancy again. Especially when I think about having to chase another child around the house on top of enduring all the complications. I know it is too soon for me to make any decisions, but it is something I have to give serious consideration to.