Wow! I am 25 weeks pregnant today! Never, ever could I imagine myself getting this far into pregnancy. This is such a wonderful feeling. I am starting to imagine what it will be like to have our little one home and in our arms. I even started having dreams at night about our baby. Good dreams too! Far from the nightmares I have been plagued with for the past two years.
It is good for me to have a few good dreams since I have been bombarded with some old feelings of grief and some new feelings of disappointment over the c-section. I let things simmer down for a while and it has helped me approach the c-section in a much better light, although it doesn't dispel the disappointment completely. I talked to my OB/GYN again regarding the c-section. I guess I didn't want to believe him that it was necessary. I did more research on pelvis shape and childbirth and found that I could be putting my child's health at risk if I attempted a vaginal delivery. I just do not want to risk my little girl's health so I have resigned myself to the c-section.
Some of the old grief crept up on me this week after I spent some time with my in-laws. I know what my sister-in-law had said wasn't intended to hurt me in anyway. But when she was talking to me about how she has struggled with raising her three kids and one stepson at the young age of 20, it made me feel that old jealousy and sorrow again. And to hear her worried about her own younger sister making the same "mistakes" she made bugged me as well. I guess I have a long way to understand the mentality of teenagers that want to be promiscuous without fully understanding that sex does indeed equal pregnancy for many young people.
I feel for my sister-in-law, I really do. It must be difficult to be in charge of all those kids day in and day out. And while still she makes her mistakes, she does do her best to keep them happy and healthy. It just gets to me because I could have three kids of my very own at the same time. Our oldest would have been close to her stepson's age. Gabriel would be close in age to her 2-year-old's. And I could have a 5-month-old as well. Constantly, I compare with her children. I don't know why, I just do. Perhaps it is because she is the only one who lives close to us and I see them on a regular basis. Maybe if I lived closer to other family and friends, I might compare with their children too.
It is funny how little things will bring you back to the grief. Old memories get stirred up, old feelings start to swell, and the next thing you know you are feeling the pain and sorrow again. You could be so happy about the future of your new baby in one minute, and so scared from the past memories an instant later. People will try to comfort you, but unless they have walked in the shoes of infertility and loss before, there is no way for them to understand that "Staying positive" isn't something that makes everything all better. Nor do they understand that crying it out when you are feeling blue is much better for you and your baby in the long run than trying to stifle the pain.
Just because I am pregnant again and I am finally feeling like I can enjoy this pregnancy, it doesn't take away from my angels. This baby does not replace my angels. This baby is a blessing just like each and every one of my pregnancies. And while many mothers-to-be are worried about whether or not they are having a boy or a girl, or complaining about heartburn or their baby kicking them hard, I am worried about if my baby will be able to take her first breath.
And being pregnant again definitely does not qualify me for being ready to handle other complaints of motherhood. I have been longing for the sleepless nights, the temper-tantrums in the store, the sometimes dangerous, but inspiring curiosity of a toddler exploring his or her world. I do not feel like I can participate in what is considered "normal" pregnancy or mom chatter. I don't give a damn what color our nursery will be. I won't even be setting up our baby's room until she gets home. I could careless about having a baby shower. I do not even want to go shopping for anything for our baby until I know she will be with us. And all this talk about doing what your body is supposed to be doing naturally gets to me too. My body has betrayed me from the day I was born with a tumor. I do not trust my body nor is it capable of going through childbirth without help. If it wasn't for all the ultrasounds, the frequent doctors appointments, the heparin shots, the progesterone supplements, the baby aspirin, the stool softeners, the cerclage, and the upcoming c-section, I wouldn't have a chance at making it to term.
I appreciate this blessing I have received. I will treasure my daughter always…just like I will treasure my son and my 5 other angels. I will not take this blessing for granted. I will appreciate the good and the bad, because I may never have another chance with pregnancy and parenthood.