TTC #1 - "We are each of us angels with only one wing..."

"...And can fly only by embracing each other."

I'm Lindsay. I'm 25. My DH, Jeremy, is 26, almost 27. I'm at the end of my 10th cycle. It's depressing, and I'm pretty sure AF will show up soon. I'm hoping for a longer LP since my signs for PMS showed so early. Who knows. Maybe I'll get lucky and end up pregnant, but I doubt it. My chart isn't looking good. I wouldn't know what pregnancy feels like because I've never been pregnant. I can only compare what I feel to PMS by saying that it's similar. But isn't is similar EVERY month? Basically, the answer to this is simply yes.

I think the hardest thing keeping us from getting pregnant is the bladder illness I have called Interstitial Cystitis. (Also known as IC) It's an incurable bladder illness that causes chronic inflammation and moderate/severe pain. I also have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction which is basically a sister illness to IC. (They go two in two together sometimes.) BDing can cause pain or cause pain afterward. It's hard to know you're O'ing and can't do a thing about it because you're already in so much pain so you can't BD. I have also had issues with ovarian cysts, but have never been diagnosed with PCOS.

Everyone says to get insurance, but that's a LOT easier said than done. The economy blows right now. DH is supposed to get a raise and better position at the beginning of the year, but it's still not going to be enough for us to get ourselves insurance. I'm also on many meds that would not be good for a baby, so as soon as I get a BFP I have to call my physician immediately. I'll be a high risk pregnancy starting from day 1. I already know all of this and accept it. That still doesn't make it easier though. We pay more during a month for my meds than anybody I know because of lack of insurance. My doctor has now suggested twice that I get SSI, but I tried once and was denied. He basically demanded that I apply again. I guess I'm going to have to try again, and if I don't get it I will get a lawyer and go that route.

Things I'm doing to detect O:
-BBT temping/charting
-Checking CM
-Checking Cervical position
-OPKs
-Ferning
-Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor (first time; cycle 10)

Extras:
-DH and I have slowed down on the smoking of cigarettes. (I'm winning so far!)
-DH has been taking FertilAid since the beginning of this cycle (#10)
-I'm taking OTC One Source Prenatal vitamins.
-We're using Pre-Seed during intercourse during my most fertile times.
-I'll be testing with test strips on CD 2-5 for the FSH hormone for cycle #11.
-I just bought an OTC sperm count test for DH. He asked me to get it for him during his lunch break yesterday because he said if he found out it was low it would be a good place for us to start. I agree.
-He drinks green tea. I'm unable to because of my bladder illness.

Possible, but not confirmed pg and losses:
-Jan 07, not trying, on the pill, possible m/c
-April 08, possible chemical pg

It's depressing to go through this month after month. You HAVE to get your hopes up because you cannot allow yourself to stress so you CAN conceive. Then you have to mentally prepare yourself in case AF does show. I think that's why I tend to get bummed at the first sign of bad temps or a temp drop. We are not even close to ready to stop trying yet. I don't see us stopping unless we find out it's impossible for us, and I refuse to believe that is so. I do plan to get checked out by the Health Department at the beginning of the year. I would at least like a papsmear just to see what someone has to say about me and what's going on down there. Last I was told, everything was fine, but that doesn't mean it sill is.

My sister has been sick with a cough, and I've been around here. I think she got me sick. I hope I don't get whatever it is she has. The last thing I need to do is go to the doctor again just to spend more of my husband's hard earned money. It makes me feel so guilty, but I am lucky to have such a wonderful person for a husband. Very lucky!