Well, I'm new here, but I really feel the need to write down all my feelings. I will start at the beginning (well, before the beginning of TTC and after the beginning of my life, so maybe "in the middle" would be better.) I got married after I graduated from college. I'm not sure why we got married. I think we had been together so long, that marriage was just the next step. It was never a great marriage. We didn't speak very much, I avoided him if I could. We had decided we did not want to have kids. One, because he had a disease that he could pass onto a baby. If the baby got it, he/she could die from it immediately or go on to live a life struggling. Of course, there was the chance that the baby wouldn't catch it, but we decided against having a baby. Once we were married, I started sort of wanting one. Not enough to REALLY try, but enough to mention it to him. He said we weren't financially secure and that he wasn't going to have a baby unless we were. I told him we both work in retail and we were never going to be financially secure, but he just shook his head.
Well, years down the road, he was staying at his mothers house more than home and I finally got up the courage to tell him I wanted a divorce. He seemed surprised, but not sad. He cussed a few moments, but never really acted like he was devastated. That kind of made me mad because I wanted him to be devastated. Anyway, during this break up time, I got re-acquainted with an old high school friend of mine. We had dated for about a month during the summer one year and I hadn't seen him since. I knew he married this girl I knew from high school and I had friended her on Facebook. I saw him on Facebook and we started talking. He vaguely remembered me, but I definitely remembered him. I had always told my best friend at the time that he was the one who got away. I ALWAYS wondered "what-if" about him. So, we start talking on Facebook and we meet and go out and things just fell into place. I immediately knew I wanted to spend my life with him. That sounds kind of stupid, seeing as how I was in the process of getting a divorce but it's true. His father was dying and I spent a lot of time at his moms house, with him and his family. I got a lot of looks from his family, wondering if I was just some girl that was going to be with him for a short time. I felt weird, we had only been "dating" a few months and I didn't feel like it was my place to be with the family in such a trying time. However, I stayed by his side. His father passed and I got seated with the family at the funeral. Very strange. Anyhow, a few months later he moved in with me. He told me when we first met that he would never ever get married again (that girl had really done some damage). I was dismayed to hear that, but stayed with him anyway. We decided we were going to get married and have kids (and a house with a white picket fence and everything else). Well, the marriage hasn't happened yet. I'm somewhat opposed to having children without being married because it sort of reminds me of people on Maury. However, I've never felt like he won't be a great husband and a great dad, so when he decided he was ready to start trying to have kids, I was ready as well.
The first two months of TTC, nothing happened. I have friends who are pregnant or have kids and they all told me the same thing: stop trying. They said you need to stop thinking about it and just enjoy having sex. They all said when you stop TRYING to get pregnant by having sex it'll happen. I rolled my eyes and said I can't stop thinking about it. I was so excited! Month three brought by stress level to the max. Family issues were rolling on top of me and squashing me. I repeatedly turned to my boyfriend for support. I was crying and freaking out and he was always there for me. I wasn't even close to thinking about getting pregnant. Yeah, we were still having sex, but it was just sex. No thoughts attached to it. Well, in month four I got sick. Like, cold/flu like sick. I left work early every day for a week. On Friday, I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and realized my period was late. I dragged myself into the bathroom and peed on a pregnancy test. (I had bought some in month 2 because my period was like one day late). I set it on the bathroom sink and stared down at it as it rapidly made an additional pink line. The test says wait three minutes for the result. My test was positive in about 15 seconds. I stood there for about 15 minutes, just staring at it. Was I really pregnant? Did it really work? Huh, I thought, maybe this whole not thinking about it thing really worked. I took the test to my room and set it on my jewelry box. I had all kinds of things running through my head, but deep down I thought something was wrong. I couldn't have actually gotten pregnant. So, I Googled false positives. Apparently, they're really rare and mostly if you're getting shots of hormones. ...so I took another test. Still quickly positive. My boyfriend came in and I told him the news. He smiled and hugged me, but I told him we shouldn't tell anyone until I know for sure. Over the weekend I took a total of six pregnancy tests. All positive. All really quick and a really dark line. I started telling a few close friends as did my boyfriend.
Monday afternoon, I had some spotting. I immediately freaked out and went to urgent care, where they told me I was pregnant via blood test. I already knew I was pregnant, but felt relieved to have it backed up. However, they had no reason for my spotting. No answers. That night, the spotting grew into something bright red and heavier. It wasn't a flow, but it was there when I wiped. I was freaking out and Googling everything I could. I quickly came across a "chemical pregnancy". I knew that's what was happening, but everyone I had told kept telling me they had their cycles and they bled and etc etc. The next morning I went to work with horrible cramps. They had me gasping for air, clutching whatever I could to not scream. I had eaten a lot of spinach the night before, so I wasn't sure if it was gas pain or actual cramps. I called the doctor immediately and they had me come in. Right before I went in, I had a bowel movement and my cramps ceased. I was still bleeding however, so I still went to my appointment.
The doctor did an ultra sound. She said she didn't see anything in my uterus but it might be too early. She sent me out for blood work to find my HCG level. She was very cold and lacked compassion. I was freaking out and she had nothing to tell me.
My HCG level finally came in and it was at a 372. I immediately googled it and found that was right where I should be for 4-5 weeks pregnant. And a lot of women said they couldn't see their sac's at 4-5 weeks either. So, I was somewhat relieved, but still bleeding. It had gotten heavier, but still not an actual "flow". It definitely was not my period, but it still had my concerned. I went back for more blood work on Friday. So, this would have been a week after the positive preg test. I got the results later that afternoon, when I went in for an appt. My number had fallen to 187. I was devastated. I immediately started crying. The doctor said I was having a complete miscarriage, to get myself together and go to the front desk. She was so unemotional. yes, she probably sees that all the time. But, I had never experienced this. She could have had some support or something. I had to go and tell all my friends that I wasn't pregnant. All my visions of a baby were dashed. I cried and cried and cried. It's now two days later (Sunday). I'm still bleeding. Still not flowing. My breasts are losing their tenderness. My boyfriend and I want to start trying immediately because I've read a lot of women get pregnant immediately after a chemical pregnancy and carry to full term with healthy babies. However, I can't start until I stop bleeding. I've read (yes, I've read a LOT since this happened) that the bleeding will become very heavy and I'll have really bad pain. I'm not looking forward to that. I even want to believe that the pain I went through on Tuesday was the pain and I'm done. But I don't believe that because I'm still bleeding. I want a baby so bad. I see all these people getting pregnant and popping out babies and it's not fair because they drink and do drugs and whatever. But yet, I'm the one that had a chemical pregnancy. Me. Who's always done everything by the book. Who's always tried to do right. Who's always tried to help out whomever with whatever. I have the chemical pregnancy. Well, we will try again. Hopefully that one will turn out right.