TTC - again pt 2

Well... I was just on here yesterday, spilling my guts. I decided to stop off at Rite Aid and buy some more pregnancy tests since my last one didn't get me a result. I took it - not pregnant. I was completely not ready for the swarm of emotions hitting me when I saw that. I started to cry immediately, then hate everyone, then get angry. All these other people get pregnant immediately following a chemical pregnancy, WHY haven't I? For that matter, why did I have a chemical pregnancy anyway, when everyone around me is pregnant? Why is this so hard for me? I am so messed up right now. I just knew when my breasts started hurting that we had gotten pregnant and quite quickly. I just KNEW I was pregnant. But no. Nothing.

I want AF to come so badly. Although I know once I see the blood I'll be sent into a whirlwind of emotions, I'm ready for her to come so I can get regular and "normal" again. I'm really hoping I'm not one of the people who's period doesn't show up for months after a chemical. That'll be like two slaps in the face.. haha, you thought you were pregnant and then haha, we're not giving you another chance to conceive.

I keep snapping at everyone - I know it's not their fault, but I'm so bitter towards everyone lately. Last night I asked my boyfriend if he's excited about getting married and he just said "yeah". I was like, well you don't sound like it.. He just looked at me. He doesn't realize that I'm trying really really hard to focus on something GOOD in my life. I don't want to tell him that, either. Because I think he's kind of forgotten about our lost baby. I haven't. I think about him/her everyday. (I think it would have been a him, don't ask me why). Thinking about my baby, the one I should have been almost three months with, makes me depressed. Thinking about marriage makes it not so bad, but when he doesn't even show any kind of emotion towards the fact that we're getting married, it makes THAT hard to be happy about as well. I don't want to force him into marrying me. I think I kind of did that to my first husband and I was dead set against doing it to Tim. But he said things that got my hopes up, then never spoke of them again, so I just HAD to know, so I bring them up and ...well I guess I'm pushing him again. If I tell him I don't want to push him, he'll either get mad or I'll end up crying - so there's really no point to that. I really REALLY hope I start AF soon, because these emotions are driving me crazy and I'm tired of laying around in bed and crying - but then putting on that happy face for everyone to see.