I can't remember the rest of the words to the song (to my blog title), but it's exactly how I feel when it comes to trying to have a baby. This is my first blog entry ever. I thought I would do this to get my feelings out there because I can't quite find a blog from someone who has gone through what I have. Maybe by doing this I will connect with someone who understands what I'm going through. All of the fertility blogs I have read are either by someone who has gone through far worse than I have, or someone who was infertile when I started reading, but is now blissfully pregnant. I still read them, but feel disconnected now because I don't know what it's like to be blissfully pregnant. And I fear I will never know. I was blissfully pregnant for about 24 hours about a year ago. I am 33, DH is 30 and though we had only been married for six months, I heard my clock ticking LOUDLY so we decided to go ahead and start trying. I got preggers in only two months. I was ecstatic - thank God I was not going to be one of those people who struggled with pregnancy! My first HCG quant. came back at only 12, which led to a two week roller coaster. I had ultrasounds that showed no sack but was told it was too early anyway. Then I was told it was most likely a chemical pregnancy. Then I was told that the pregnancy was okay, until I started bleeding a week later. I couldn't believe this was happening! I was so determined to not worry and assume the worst would happen, but it did and I was beyond devastated. So we waited a month and started trying again. I had gotten pregnant so fast the first time that I didn't anticipate a problem. Fast forward eight months and I'm still not pregnant. Every month when AF showed, I was devastated all over again. I felt like such a failure. So my OB/GYN ordered testing for both of us. My results came back fine, DH came back with only 4% normal morphology. Apparently, the first time we got pregnant was a freakin' miracle! So now, I've been through two IUIs with 50 mg of Clomid. I got pregnant the second time, first HCG quant. only 40. I went through two weeks of bloodwork every other day until the doctor decided it was ectopic. I was resistant to the shots to dissolve it (how could I willingly "dissolve" something I had wanted so badly?), but we decided it would be best to avoid possible damage to my tube. The morning I was going to get the shots, I started bleeding heavily and was doubled over in pain. So I'm thankful my body let me know that we had made the right decision. That was 11/20/08. I still have not had a period so we can't start our next cycle. I'm to call the RE next Monday to see what we're going to do. I had a little spotting last week, assumed it was my period coming, but then it stopped. No it wasn't IB, I took a HPT and it was negative. GRRR! I'm so frustrated. A friend of mine now wants me to have a total body scan and evaluation. It sounds experimental, expensive and just plain weird. So I don't know what to do about that - will talk to DH about it tonight. Well, that's about it for now. I feel better already, getting it off of my chest. If you have read all of my rambling, I thank you and let me know if you can relate! Baby dust to all!!!