wtf...

Still pregnant? I think so... I went to the doctor on Thursday and she did a papsmear. Said I would likely spot from it. She said my cervix was closed. Friday, I had no spotting, just like a clear discharge. Today? I'm fucking bleeding. Again! What the fuck?!?!?! I cried when Tim called me on his way home from work. I know everyone is sick of me. I'm sick of me. I keep thinking I'm okay with losing the baby, in fact I haven't even really thought of myself as "pregnant". But everytime I see blood, new emotions come in. Plus I'm moody as hell. I'm not sure I'm exactly toeing the line for getting fired, but I definitely think I'm moving that way. I'm starting to hate my job just like I did when maryann was there in the beginning. Everyone is such a hardass. It doesn't need to be like that.
Anyway, Tim and I had sex Thursday night. I figured if she was in there doing a pap, then sex was a-go. So I don't know if I'm bleeding from the pap (which she said I might, but she said SPOTTING..while I'm definitely not filling up a pad, it is coming out), sex (which can also cause bleeding) or a miscarriage. My first beta draw came back at a 4258. A good number for me. My chem didn't get above a 400. I had another draw thursday but they won't know the results until like Tuesday. I hate fucking waiting. I hate bleeding. I hate all of this. If I'm going to miscarry I wish I'd just go ahead and DO it, my body keeps playing games with my mind. I have a huge headache, probably because of all the crying. Tims mom has invited me to a movie tomorrow. Something I'm definitely not interested in...but maybe it'll keep me from googling every possible thing that could be wrong with me.