I have never been the skinniest girl on the block - I will never be the 90 pounds like my cousin is (AFTER TWO CHILDREN), or like the anorexic bimbo that graces the cover of US WEEKLY - and because of this, I do admit to having some body issues.
My fiance knows about these little 'issues' and although some times teases me about them, loves me unconditionally and supports me and my little neurosis and I do mean ALL of them. *sigh*
There is a chance that I am pregnant. which is fantastic because I've wanted to be a mother since - wow, as long as I can remember.
Some little girls dream about their wedding (I dreamed about my child's nursery) when I played house and was the mom, that included CHILD BIRTH AND PREGNANCY (including the teddy bear up the shirt when I couldn't get my baby fat belly to stick out anymore.)
Although I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative (there is another blog on this topic) - I figured out how far along I'd be and my due date..just because I have a niggle feeling in the back of my head. According to one website (not this one) I am 5 Weeks and 5 days pregnant - of course this doesn't mean anything without the positive pregnancy test, but I digress.
There are no major changes in my body; yes I feel off, yes I feel like I'm pmsing and have the stomach flu all at the same time, yes my breasts are sore and tingly but nothing MAJOR to totally define that "yes you are pregnant, you don't need the pregnancy test you know you are!" (my fiance rubbing and kissing my belly like a baby is already in there doesn't count) - So, I didn't think of it when I had errands to run to quickly through on the clothes that I was wearing last night and run downstairs to the store..my jeans that I wore last night..didn't fit. I mean sure I could pull them over my thighs..but I couldn't zip them..or button them.
I panicked., what the hell happened to my body in the last 10 hours that I couldn't BUTTON OR ZIP UP THE SAME PAIR OF JEANS I HAD ON LAST NIGHT? I walked out of my bathroom and looked my fiance in the eye (who was watching some TV at the time) he looked at me and grinned and told me how he liked me wearing his tee shirt.
"I can't button my jeans." I told him point blank. slight panic in my voice; all my messed up body issues about me being as big as a house was coming to the fore front. "I wore these jeans last night and now I can't button them up."
he smiled "Here. c'mere" I walked towards him and he gave me a hug and went to go suavely button up my jeans, like he was some sort of jean button-upping master. He couldn't button them up either. I wanted to say 'ha' but I found tears welling up in my eyes.
"I'm fat aren't I?" he doesn't say anything., I think he is fearing that I some how trapped him in one of those endless questions where the men can't seem to get out of without having some sort of battle scars to show for it. "but you love me right?"
"you know I do."
"Even if I'm as big as a whale?"
"I love you even if you are as big as a whale" I know he meant well, and I know when he says he loves me he means it EVERY time he says it. But, for some reason I turned around and mentioned something about finding other pants and murmured to my roommate that "YOUR friend is an idiot" (it seems that the roomy is only my fiance's friend when I'm mad at said fiance) I retold the story and the roomie just shook his head and laughed.
I am wearing jogging pants. I hate jogging pants. but alas they are the only pants that fit at the moment.
five minutes passed..maybe it was a little longer...is the time REALLY that important? and I'm calm again "I don't hate you." I say, even though I am pretty sure I never ACTUALLY told him that I hated him during the whole 'pant debacle'
"I know" and I kiss his bare shoulder.
"it just sucks that I can't wear my jeans anymore."
he smiles "that's what happens when you are carrying my baby." he is so FREAKING SURE that I'm pregnant.
"What if I'm not?"
"and if I'm not?" he looks at me in the eyes "then we try again."
"I hate wearing jogging pants."
"then we will get you those little preggy jeans with the elastic in them."
I am a firm believer that the words ELASTIC and JEANS do go in the same sentence. and I tell him so.
and he gets that little smile on his face..the one that reaches up to his chocolate brown eyes and says:
"Fine, we will get you some new jeans. They will have elastic in them. See that was two sentences"
I can't help but smile, he somehow knows how to make me feel better., and make me see that sometimes my mountain is really a mole hill..and if at times I am right, and my mountain really is a mountain..he's there holding my hand and climbing up that mountain with me; Finding something sarcastic to say while we're doing it.
But between me and you...I wouldn't have it any other way.