Here I sit on New Years Eve. It is 11:20 pm, Emilee is asleep, Jim is at work and I am alone. What a depressing way to welcome in the New Year isn't it? I think out of the 6 New Years Jim and I have been together, we have spent 2 with each other.
Well, today has been a good day. Jim and I made the standard resolution of eating healthier and trying to lose weight. I have battled being obese my whole life. I have tried so many things. Nothing has ever worked. Now with my Thyroid problem it makes it even harder to lose anything.
OMG! I am O'ing (ovulating)! This is the first time since the miscarriage. I haven't been getting the tell tale O pains that I have always got. Boy tonight did I get them. These pains have been the worst I have ever felt.
Yep, that's right CD 1. AF arrived this morning. I can't believe it. I thought we had gotten it this month. The excitement I had because I ovulated is gone -- it's replaced by the depression again.
It has been a busy week here. Sunday, after writing my entry, I ended up in unbearable pain. I went to stretch and the muscles in my upper back/neck just tightened up. All day it got worse. Monday morning Jim convinced me to go to the Doctors.
As I sit here preparing to write about my week it's snowing outside. We are preparing for a really bad storm. We have gone from total estimates of 6 inches up to 20-25 inches now! Seeing Emilee's excitement watching it fall makes me happy and sad -- happy that we are lucky enough to even have a child and sad that we haven't been able to have another.
Oh what a wonderful way to start the weekend off. AF is just about here. I have bright read spotting. The feelings of despair are beginning to creep in. Here comes the lovely depression. The self-pity.
Yes, it has been 2 weeks since my last entry. I am here now because so many feeling have been bottling up inside of me. It has been a really bad 2 weeks for me. I have fallen into depressions before but nothing like this. I haven't been able to shake it at all.
What a week this has been. I am back in touch with a wonderful friend of mine. Her daughter is 9-months older than Emilee. They have been playing wonderfully together. My friend is (besides DH) the only person in my life that has ever made me feel like I could do things.
Well it seems that “journey to the top” has some major bumps in it. AF arrived this week. The disappointment, hurt, and anger was worse than ever. Jim even admitted he was very disappointed this time.