I have to be honest it’s hard trying to keep positive. I catch myself saying to my husband Mark “when we have kids” or “I hope our children…” and then it hits me that we may not have kids. I cry to Mark and he always tells me that everything will be ok; things will work out for us. I believe him and I love him for his support but there is always that not so positive side that says what if it’s not? What if what is wrong with me prevents me from ever carrying a child.
I just want to apologize for not writing for a few weeks but I felt it wasn’t the right time. I didn’t realize that the holidays would be so hard and I needed some healing.
Confidence shattering is an understatement. Pain, raw emotion, the reality that I may not be able to carry a child, longing to be a mother, this is what I felt plus much more that I can’t even describe.
I was so confident walking into my appointment for my ultrasound results that I didn’t even prepare myself for bad news. I have had so many, what could go wrong? Researching every possibility has been a way for me to prepare for the worst. I didn’t prepare for today, like I said, I was confident.
The journey continues…
Walking into a hospital or doctor’s office has never been pleasant for me. I have never been one who is excited to see my doctor. Not that anything has ever been wrong up until now it’s just I feel that I am conditioned to hate the doctor, dentist, emergency room, etc. Today I felt different. I knew I wasn’t going to get my answers today but it was the first step to motherhood.
This year has been tough on my husband and I. We have lost two pregnancies. The first loss was at 5 weeks 6 days and the second loss was at 7 weeks 2 days. We have been planning to have kids for quite a few years now. We both waited for the right time, the right jobs, medical, marriage, etc. It was the perfect plan to build a family… or so we thought.
My First Pregnancy