Today went better than I could've ever wished! I left Greensboro at about 2:00 so I could be in Winston at 2:30, but stupid me got lost of course... not once... but three times. Sooo I got there at like 3 something. He had to be at work by 4, so it didn't give us as much time as I had hoped. I felt kinda bad cuz he had been sitting in the parking lot since 2:08. :/ He was cool with it though. We're even gonna talk some more about it. He seemed to have actually put some thought into this. I honestly didn't think he had, and he's still planning on going to college with is a huge relief.
I feel like crying. Steven and I need to have a discussion so bad. I don't feel comfortable going into this not knowing what he's planning on doing and how he is going to do it. This entire experience has changed me, and every ounce of love I have is for Landon now. Everything I have is going to go to him. Every dollar I make. Every free second I get. I'm not sure whether or not he even cares about Landon. I sure am hoping so. Maybe that will at least hit him when he's born. We'll see. But I do wanna know what he would do in certain situations. When I'm ready to do something such as move...
Wow. So I actually have news today. Steven e-mailed me back. If he sticks to his word everything will be okay. I'm not getting my hopes up yet though. I don't have a bit of trust left for him. (sorry Steve, but I'm sure you understand.) I really want to, but I just can't. I'm not really sure if we're on speaking terms. I don't think we are. I by no means think he actually cares about me again. I guess we'll see what happens. When I opened my email that was the LAST name i expected to see though. It did make me very happy, but like I said... I'm not getting my hopes up.
January 11/12 = another sleepless night. Imagine that. I guess I don't really have any updates right now. Nothing from Steve. Nothing feels weird with my pregnancy. Everything is the exact same as yesterday. I'm still disappointed that I can't do the things I used to enjoy. I'm going to go to as many shows as possible while I can in the next month or two. It should be okay as long as I'm careful about where i stand. I will be. I have five or six lined up, so that should be fun. I can't wait until Wednesday when I move to Greensboro.
Well, here I am again sitting up at 5:30 am. I understand how important it is for me to get rest right now, but I just cannot do it. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life, but once my head hits the pillow all I think about is Steve. I have not heard a word from him since I told him about the baby. The only thing anyone has even said about him is how he never answers his phone or how he never hangs out with them anymore. I don't understand why basically everyone has just lost all communication with him. Is he really that wrapped up in his new relationship? It really isn't like him.
I stumbled upon this website tonight while looking for what to expect this week with my pregnancy. I'm glad i did, because I have been meaning to create a blog to record my first pregnancy experience. Overall I am pretty excited for the new addition to my life. However, it's very frightening at the same time. Since this is the first of many posts there is a lot to cover.