I got a prescription for the mini-pill. I'm excited because it seems like a step in the right direction! I wish we could do both - adopt and get pregnant - but alas, that is not going to happen. So adoption it is!
DH and I were so convinced we were going to use the name Eva, but then I started thinking (I know, trouble!) and I realized I want an Indian name for the baby. And also, a name that starts with "S" because it's sort of an Indian tradition to name the daughter with the same initial as the mother. I found the name Saanvi (or Sanvi) and I really like it, but I am not sure if people would be able to pronounce it easily. DH likes it but we haven't really committed to it yet. It means "leader" or "creator of life" and I love that meaning!
I hope my baby girl is doing well today! I wonder what she's up to in her cozy environment.
It's funny how parenthood changes you. I remember before Nick was born, I was so sure I wanted a GIRL next so that we could parent one of each. I wanted that mother-daughter bond, wanted to buy the pretty dresses, Daddy's little girl, all that jazz. Well, now that we have Nick, I could care less about all that stuff! I just want to adopt the baby that has the greatest need. I even told Jenny that, and she said the greatest need is for parents for Indian girls, so we're on track with that. I think children are so amazing, and just getting to be a parent is this incredible, momentous thing. Getting to raise them, and hopefully make them kind, sweet, giving people who contribute a lot to society is enough for me. Gender doesn't matter any more. I was thinking about this today and just realized how cool it is that Nick has taught me such a big life lesson, and he's only 4 months old. Ah, I love being a mom.
Wow, I haven't written in here in a while! I am such a slacker sometimes. It seems like I had some things to figure out there for a little while. I kept talking to DH about Nick being an only child for us. He wasn't too keen on the idea (although he did admit he thought of it sometimes when Nick was being difficult! ), and said he wanted one more, a girl, through adoption. Then I started to think about *why* I wanted Nick to be an only child. When I thought about it, I realized I feel like a child should have a sibling to have a well-rounded childhood (not intended to start a debate, this is only my opinion). Then why did I want Nick to be an only child? Turns out it's because I love the mom-son only relationship we have right now. All day long, we spend time with each other. He's my little buddy, and he likes me to entertain him. We hang out together all day. I just didn't want to share him with a sibling! I understand now that that's a selfish reason to not give him a sibling, especially since DH and I both feel like he'd (and we'd) be happiest and most complete as a family of four. So maybe what would be most ideal would be to just wait to start the process for a little longer (like I had discussed in here before). I would like to start when he's a year old. That will give him about 2.5 years as an only, and for all three of us to get used to the idea of another addition. I think it's funny how all these feelings are popping up now, although I know adoption is in my heart and I would be so happy to have another little one in the house. Motherhood really does a number on you!
I also started taking BCPs and that feels like such a step in the right direction. I definitely do not want to get pregnant again at the end of the process like last time!
So apparently, adoption is never easy for us. I was on our agency's website, and the kids are now coming home much older than we had thought. It was that they were coming home at 15 months at the oldest, but now, the youngest was 17 months (and that was a fluke, I think, because after that it immediately leaps to 2 years). DH doesn't seem to have a problem with this, but I do... I think. I just can't imagine missing our daughter's entire infancy, and her first year. And with all the RAD issues I've been reading about, I am worried about how her behavior will affect Nick. I know we can take the time to work through all her issues, and we want to do that, but not at the expense of Nick's whole world getting turned upside down. Right now I think we'll wait and see how the timeline changes. According to Jenny, the wait should be getting shorter, so their newsletter should reflect children coming home at younger ages as the months go by. If not, we're going to have to really rethink everything! I wish there was just one clear-cut path to go down. *Sigh*
Okay, I've been trying to finish my previous post and it won't let me! Here I go again... hopefully, it works this time. So I was saying that we're going to keep an eye on the kids' ages with the India program. If they keep going up, or stabilize at around 2, we might go back to our other top choice, which was a domestic adoption. I called and spoke with our domestic adoption agency, and they had very positive things to say. Their program has been very stable for years now, and they have a great reputation with my state. We just would need to get our homestudy redone, and make that decision closer to the time we would get started (somewhere in the fall). Since we want to adopt an older infant, we might even start out a little bit earlier with the domestic adoption since there's no set timeline and the wait for an older infant can be quite long. So, things are up in the air (again) for now as far as which program we should go with. However, the good news is that we do have options open to us. In the meantime, I'm going to do a lot of reading on toddler adoption and attachment issues to try and see what the impact of an insecurely attached toddler would be on Nick. I also need to finish my transracial adoption book.
Oh! So it appears I have solved the mystery behind the older ages of kids coming home from the orphanages. Our agency has started referring out babies 6-12 months of age to people of Indian heritage, whereas before it used to be 4-8 months. The increase in referral age added to the increased age at homecoming! It is a relief in a way, but also a disappointment. I'm relieved because it means that the actual court process from referral to travel is going as predicted by Jenny (India program coordinator). However, I am disappointed that the referral age has gone up so much. The good news in all this is that the younger the parents are, the younger the age of the child at referral. Which means we, being in our mid-20s, would get the youngest children. I hate that I sound so concerned about the child's age, but all in all, the younger the child the easier the adjustment for her. And also, the easier the adjustment period on Nick. We've been talking about getting an attachment psychologist to work with the baby when we bring her home, just so we can get a head start. I want her to be healthy and well-adjusted as a grown-up, or I would never be able to forgive myself. A child psychologist would also be a good resource for Nick as he deals with his sister's adjustment period. All this is assuming we still go with India! DH is definitely leaning more towards India, whereas I find I am still in two minds. I feel like my heart is in India and I have always wanted to adopt from there. But I also have to wonder when do we draw the line and say, the program is too long and the wait too arduous? DH doesn't care about the wait or the age of the baby. He wants her to be able to have a mom who shares a heritage, and a brother who shares half her heritage. Those are both very good points. I think in the long-run that will make the adjustment so much easier. My toddler adoption book should be in the mail soon!