Yay!! We got our fingerprinting appointment letter in the mail today!! I was a little worried since we had waited so long to send in the I600A, but it looks like everything's on track. It's for November 15th at 11 AM. Woo hoo!!
The bank called to ask for more information about DH's parents. We are hoping that's good news that they're actually really considering all this information. Hopefully that means a bigger loan. I've come to really hate the weekends - all the information comes to a stand-still, no one's working on our stuff, and we have to wait 2 whole days to find out anything. This loan thing has me walking around with a huge wad of what feels like cotton in my throat. I am always nervous and twitchy. Ugh. It makes me sad and so frustrated that we just want a little baby to love, and we have to jump through all these hoops. I know that probably sounds like I'm wallowing in self pity, but I just can't help it. I hate feeling like this, and I try to pull myself out of it, but this is so huge, you know? This is my baby. If nobody wants to help us finance this, then we're going to have to stop this whole thing for a year while we save up the money ourselves, maybe more. I have to stop whining now. I'm annoying myself.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Reading The Shining! I don't know what's possessing me to do this, especially since DH is at a class right now and won't be home for another hour, hour and a half! It's such an awesome book, though!
DH and I laid out the baby's clothes (all that we have so far) out today to see how many we had of each size and what we needed to get. I'm thinking we'll have to get more 6-9 month stuff. We definitely need to buy more onesies (can't rely on people buying those off our registry! ) as well as just regular clothes. I think we'll wait until we have a referral so we know exactly what size though. Right now she has some 12 month and 18 month, but I doubt she'll be that big. Indian babies tend to be tiny.
Oh, and I forgot to post about this! Last Saturday when I had my scrapbooking party, one of the girls brought her 7 month old over. I was really, really surprised to see that my kitty loved him! He laid next to him and kept him company the whole time he was here. He was crawling around and I was a little worried (more so than the mom, it seemed, but I'm high strung like that ) but Billy just sat by him and indulged him. I was so happy!! I love my Billy-man!
You know, people are always saying that you should make sure your words are sweet when you talk about things parents do with their kids that you will definitely not do with yours, so that way when you eat them they don't taste so bad. I thought this was an interesting comment, so I decided to make a list of things that I think I will never do as a mom.
1. I will never stick my child's pacifier in my mouth to "rinse it off" when she drops it, and then stick it into her mouth right after.
2. I won't feed my child unhealthy food like french fries, etc.
3. I won't let my child interrupt me constantly (when she gets older) when I'm talking to someone else.
4. I won't use my children as the reason for why I'm late to appointments, meetings with friends, etc.
5. I won't change their poopy diapers in plain view of other people.
6. When they throw a tantrum at a store, we will leave immediately.
7. I will potty-train my child before the age of 3.5.
So that's my list so far! I am really interested to see how many of these I'm forced to "eat".
Do you know what today is? The day Jenny comes back from India! I am excited and really, really nervous as well. She will have actually seen and held the baby who is going to become our daughter. That concept is almost too huge for me to wrap my mind around. Our baby is waiting for us, and soon we'll have her information - pictures, medical information, reports. Those questions I've been torturing myself with - what does she look like? Does she have a lot of hair? Is it curly or straight? Does she have big brown eyes? - most of those will be answered soon. When I actively think about that, my world seems to grind to a halt, and all I can hear is the sound of my breathing. I'm going to be a MOM.
I am cautiously allowing myself to get excited about getting the loan. DH explained things to me last night, and it seems we have enough in collateral alone to get a secured loan that's big enough for the referral fee! I hadn't figured that out. Maybe things will work out really well after all. I hope this week brings really great news! Fingers crossed.
I just got off my 2nd job an hour and a half ago. I thought I would be dead tired, but I'm not. It's nice. I feel more mentally exhausted than anything. There is so much to think about... the bank called today, and the good news is that we got a loan! It's definitely enough to cover the referral fee. But to cover DH's trip to India with me, including two months of fostering our baby, we would have to take out more money, which we don't want to do. Which essentially means that DH cannot go with me. At all. Also, it would help us out a great deal financially if I only fostered her for one month. But then I think, she's my baby. I can't only foster her one lousy month. But then I think, DH is my husband and I want us to see the baby together. So maybe I shouldn't foster her at all. I think my head's going to explode. So much to think about....
I don't know if anyone out there is a big reader of the Shopaholic books by Sophie Kinsella. But right now I feel like Becky in Shopaholic Ties The Knot. You know, where she carries a miniature vodka with her in her bag everywhere so she can chug it whenever her wedding is mentioned because she's so stressed out about it? That's how I feel about the adoption right now. Before we started on this journey, we read a ton about our financing options, and let me tell ya, it's not easy for a family who doesn't make a lot of money. They tell you with the tax credits and everything, anyone can afford it, but what they don't tell you is that you're on your own until you get those tax credits back. We lucked out because it looks like we'll be on a plan where we won't have to make any payments and won't accrue any interest on our loan until after the 2008 tax year, at which point we'll have paid it off anyway. But if that wasn't the case, we would definitely be struggling. I'm still keeping my 2nd job in the hopes that I'll make enough money to pay for DH's flight to India. The more I think about it, the more I realize I cannot not foster my daughter. Yes, seeing the baby for the first time together is something we both want, but getting her out of the orphanage ASAP is what's BEST for HER. And that's what matters. I've always known that as parents we'd have to make sacrifices for our child, and I guess it's just starting early in our case. I just wish DH wasn't so down about it. It breaks my heart to see him sad. We'll just have to make the best out of a not-ideal situation. I've been reading a blog about a couple who adopted from Vietnam, and due to the wife's medical condition, she wasn't able to go with her husband to Vietnam for the 6 weeks he was there with their daughter. Everything turned out fine for them, and I'm sure the wife doesn't wake up everyday regretting that she didn't go. I know it sounds like I am trying to rationalize my thougts, but that's only because I am. I am just so confused right now, so please excuse all my rambling!
I haven't felt this relieved in a long time! DH and I sat and talked about all our issues/options and we figured out an option that will honestly work out best for us. We're both going to India, and we're going to foster our daughter TOGETHER for a month. That way, we see the baby for the first time together, he's there for all the court processes, and we can all travel back together. We looked at our budget, and this option fits in perfectly. Thank God!! I feel like this huge weight has been lifted. Bring on the referral!! It looks like we'll be traveling in mid-February, and we should be back in mid-March. Phew!!
Everday I wake up and secretly wonder if this is going to be the day I get an email from Jenny at MAPS with our baby's pictures and information. I don't even know if she'll email or call me, I've heard of referrals coming in both ways. I am just so excited and anxious, but I'm trying to keep that feeling to myself. I know if I start talking aloud about it, I won't be able to stop talking about it. I also don't want to torture myself any more than I already am! DH and I both think we'll have a referral by November 15th. Eeeeee!!!!
In other news, my doctor scheduled me an HSG on the 15th. I am really nervous about the pain, but DH and I talked it over and we decided that it would be better to get this done while he's in the military and it's free. That way if there definitely is a problem with my tubes/uterus, we'll know. And if there's not, we'll just keep trying for our next baby. I don't think we'll be financially ready to adopt another one for a while! At least not until I'm done with school. It makes me a little sad, because I would love to adopt another little girl from India in a year. Maybe some day we'll do it again! Look at me, we don't even have a referral yet and I'm already talking about our next kid!