Hi there, I have a friend who suffered a miscarriage and she was never was able to get over it. Two years down the line she is going for therapy. She has suggested adoption but says her husband refuses to raise somebody elses child and her marriage risks breaking up over this. I have told her I think he is being selfish, but that I think counselling might help. Of course, she has tried suggesting counselling but he refuses as he sees it as her problem. Any suggestions ?
Last edited by carol_messer; 07-20-2012 at 04:34 AM.
I think give it some time. People's feelings can change over time. When I was first married DH did not want children. I was devastated. Well really he was just scared of having a baby. After awhile he wanted a baby as much as I did. We did go on to have 3 children. Then from various health issues I am not able to have more children. Again, I wanted to adopt and DH did not. Again I was discouraged thinking I would never have another baby. Then out of the blue DH says he is ready to adopt and we just started the process.
I do not think it would wise to try to adopt without both spouses on board.
Wow, his attitude would have me a little concerned for the fact that he seems to think it's "her" problem. Going through a miscarriage is extremely heart breaking and can really change your perspective on things. He doesn't seem to sound supportive and think of their relationship as a "team". Maybe I'm wrong, I hope so. If it were me and I was happy with my marriage I would try to find a couple that has adopted or meet with those involved in the adoption process. Once my answers and concerns were addressed, I would try to get hubby to meet with them as well. Maybe he is scared of the unknown and has heard "stories" that have given him the wrong impression. Best of luck to your friend!
The husband's attitude is disturbing, but I also have to wonder about the motives of the wife. I just stopped by, because adoption has always been a dream of mine. Dh, not so much. He's worried that he'd have trouble bonding with a child that is not biologically related--but he's willing to talk and think about it. We've both agreed that, if we were to pursue adoption, it would be down the road a few years, so we have time to get to understand each other and grow. I have experienced 3 m/c's and two births. I know how difficult it is not to have a pregnancy work out--and that grief never goes away.
In the case of your friend, I would seriously recommend couple's counseling--and not because her husband needs his mind changed. Clearly, she and her husband are not communicating effectively. And I think that her working through her grief without him is a serious part of that problem. If I were the husband, I might be concerned that she just wants to adopt to "fix" how she feels or that it's an impulse. If he's concerned about raising someone else's kid, that's something he needs to talk about without needing to be defensive. I know my own husband's fear about adoption is rooted in his over-arching fear that he will not be a good enough dad in general.
DS 1 b. 1/19/09, DS 2 b. 1/12/11, DS 3 b. 3/3/13