Meeting the Mom

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Baby Dreamer's picture
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Meeting the Mom

Hello!
So we're meeting the baby's Mom on Saturday. She's 25 weeks pregnant and this isn't through an agency...
I have no idea what to expect!! She's still making her decision on an adoption plan. I'm curious - what do you say when you meet a potential birth mom?? I'm - for the first time - speechless!!
Should I ask her questions? Should I have a list of questions ready to go to avoid any awkward silences?

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Last seen: 2 years 7 months ago
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Wow Christina, I have no advice, but would love to hear how it goes. We may be going this route soon, so am very curious how you hooked up with this birth mom with no agency involvement. We're trying to figure out how it works and how on earth we'd ever afford it.

butterflykisses32880's picture
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I really don't have any advice. When we we were placed with our son, we had 14 hours notice, and didn't have time to put together a list of questions, thankfully our social worker was there and kept the conversation going, asking us all questions, so we could get to know each other better.

If you have the book "THE UNOFFICIAL GUIDE TO ADOPTION", there is a list of questions that you can ask.
Ask what she would like to know about you and your husband. Why is she considering an adoption plan? Things like that. I would think this is just a get to know you meeting, so just try and be yourself, as awkward as it is going to be. You will probably feel like you are trying to sell yourself to her. Dress casually, you don't want to intimidate her by showing up showing up in your best, most expensive clothes. Tell her about yourselves, why you are choosing to adopt. Tell her about your plans for after the baby, any baby, comes home... will you be a stay at home mom, work from home, how long your husband will be at home with you. Ask what she wants for the baby... does she want the baby raised a specific religion, would she like to help name the baby (we gave our son his first name, and his birth parents gave him his middle name).

Hope this helps, it is by no means a complete list, just a few ideas.

Please keep us posted on how things go, we are rooting for you!

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Hi!!
So I met the mom... and she was wonderful and amazing and mature and articulate... and so much more than I was at her age.
I'll post more in detail later - but so far - I think it's a "go"! Unless, of course, she changes her mind - and I will still have total respect for her. She's an amazing person and if she lets me raise her child - I will be ETERNALLY grateful and I know she'll achieve her goals and ambitions for college and beyond.

I'm still in shock!! After searching and opening doors to every avenue possible... we were just connected through a mutual friend.
In my state, the first parents are not allowed to sign away until 72 hours after the baby is born, and then if they sign, it is forever irrevocable.

I never understood it before now - but I have so much love for this young woman. She may be the mother of my child!!!!

Insert tears here...

Baby Dreamer's picture
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So it's been a few weeks... and things are still going well. We are 10 weeks away from the due date and getting to the point to where Hubs and I need to start making decisions about child care, pediatricians, preparing a nursery, etc. We're meeting with the Momma again this weekend - hoping to still have that same sense of certainty....

I made the mistake of checking a baby registry site.... and saw that she does have a baby registry - not much on there, but it's out there. I know I need to respect that she may change her mind a million times and that it's normal.... and in reality, my actions of wanting to start a nursery and make decisions are going to be more painful for her than it was scary for me when I found her registry. It was a sudden reminder that No, this is not my baby.... this is HER baby until she says otherwise. Sometimes I get too caught up in the excitement of the idea that we may have a new addition to our family that I forget that.

I respect this young woman and know that if she chose to parent that she'd be a loving mom. I just hope that if she continues to choose to let us parent her baby she'll think the same about me.

butterflykisses32880's picture
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Just wondering how things were progressing for you? Been thinking about how you guys were doing lately.

Baby Dreamer's picture
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Things have been going so well!! We've developed a relationship with her and her family and just love them.
She's 35 weeks and 4 days! Getting closer!! She still seems very adoption minded. We met last weekend and we hoped to have the "hard discussions" about birth room plans and such. But, we seemed to be having such a great time talking about everything else - that we just let it be what it was. Her family is amazing and very supportive. I think they are just as excited for us as they are sad for their loss in this. But - they know that the door is always open - our hearts will never shut them out.

It's going great so far!!!

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We're just 18 short days from the due date now.... I got to spend some great time with her yesterday. I'm starting to feel anxious for her. She's such a great person and I don't want to see her hurt afterwards!! My maternal instincts are kicking in and are saying, "Protect her!! Don't let her hurt!!!" I always thought that the end would be the "easy" part for us. Not quite so much. I've been told by others to not push my sadness for her ON her. It's hard enough for her to make this decision without me feeling like it should be even harder or always wanting to question, "Are you sure??"
It's the intelligent women who make an adoption plan.... She's doing what's best for her future so this little man will grow up to be so proud of her.
I'm sitting here getting so emotional because I'm so thankful for her. She's amazing and beautiful and smart and funny.... I never want to lose the feeling of being this thankful for her.

butterflykisses32880's picture
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It's getting close! Wishing both you and her luck.

We have been waiting to be matched with our new little one for almost 11 months now. Our profile is being shown again at the end of this week to a birth mom. Getting a little anxious now, we were only shown 2 times in March. Hoping to be matched soon. My hope (since December or January) was to at least be matched by my birthday (3/28 ), but that didn't happen. Now I'm hoping it will be by sometime in May.

I really wish this board would be more active. As supportive as family and friends are, it is nice to have other (adoptive) mommas to talk to.

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Is there any updates? I've been following your story with interest and am dying to know what's happening...

Baby Dreamer's picture
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Oh my GOSH!!! I posted a BIG long reply when Beebs was born and it didn't post!!!!!!!!!!!
Long story short... He was born in april - we took him home with us the day after he was born. It was rough for everyone, and devastating for his birth fam. Adoption is NOT for the faint of heart - and for people who just say, "just adopt!" I will kick you so hard in your knees!!! Adoption is so much about lives .. peoples lives... in a BIG way. It's beyond just wanting a baby - and you're not "saving a baby" - you're part of something so much bigger than that. Adoption is a deep and emotional investment not just for the child, but for his birth family as well.
We are fortunate to have such a great relationship with Birth Fam. We chat online and share photos very regularly. Our situation worked out perfectly for everyone. He is beautiful and healthy and wonderful. We're waiting for our court date... not sure when it'll be... but his First Momma signed the papers 6 days after he was born - along with his First Dad. So now it's just a matter of time till all the legalities are finalized.

Those preparing to adopt - please pray every day and make sure that the birth family is a good match for you. Also, please don't rule out an open adoption if it's safe for the child... His birth fam didn't think they would want one, but we just prayed that they would change their minds... and they did! It is SO GREAT having them continue to be a part of their lives. One day he'll have questions that I can't answer... but I know who can.

My little guy fills my heart with so much joy and love... Even our family that worried if they could "love an adopted child like one of their own" has fallen for him. He's no different to my parents than their biological grandchildren - if anything, he's more special because he was chosen.... Because God timed our lives with another family and gave us this amazing gift.....

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That's awesome! You are so blessed! Congratulations on your little boy.