*TMI* Drama- infidelity- m/c ment! not for faint of heart!
I'm going crazy trying to keep this all inside and i think you ladies are going to be great support here, so if you don't want to hear about my cheating husband, the twit he slept with, her supposed miscarraige of his baby, and my issues regarding the whole thing, stop here. its ok. this is NOT pretty. its horrible. just let it go to the bottom of the page and into oblivion.
this summer, hubby had a crappy "on call" job and i had to pick up full time (while nursing a 5 month old, and 2.5 yr old) at work to compensate. he's always been crappy with money and horrible at chores but i loved him so, and he is a good guy, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. This girl he grew up with- she's 18, we're both 25- had a nanny job near our apartment and had spare time so when she wasnt working she'd come watch our kids and hang out because she hated living there.
Well, at some point she decided to take it on herself to never give my hubby a moment of peace, and he always thought of her as a little sister so he put up with it. and he's still all blurry on what happened, he claims he cant figure out or remember why stuff happened, but for sure me and him were having a hard time between us with my work schedule and his lack of income, and he slept with her.
it went on for two months culminating in a VERY messy expolsion the last week of september. The first week of september she moved in with us because she quit her nanny job that she hated and was willing to babysit our kids in exchange for phone cards and room and board. we had 2 bedrooms,. she slept on the couch.
Hubby had a cash job bouncing at a bar 30 minutes away 1 night a week and that was one of the times theyd hook up- to and from that job. Otherwise it was usually while i was at work and he was home... .with her.
he says he wanted it to stop shortly after it started but he couldnt figure out how to stop it and tell me and everything so he just let it continue.
Anyway, she's NOW claiming she was pregnant with and miscarried his child. She claims she got a positive test the first weekend of august. the only thing he's certain of is that he didnt start sleepign with her until at least the 28th of july. So.. um... NOT HIS. right? (she will probably claim that it happened sooner or that she hadnt slept with anyone else for weeks before that. i'm pretty sure her other ex will corroborate that she DID sleep with him)
second, i saw her take birthcontrol pills for 2 months, not daily, but i saw frequently, i saw her drink LOTS on several occasions, and we even had discussions about her future children and the importance of prenatal care etc, and she NEVER hd the chance to go for care anywhere, i'm sure of that. she only decided to have alone time out of the house after business hours.
she claims she miscarried on november 27th. thats like... 18 weeks. thats like giving birth. her facebook status says she "periced her nose" that day among other things, and she was at work the next several days and went on vacation to a cabin with no running water 5 days later. no f-ing way, right? she would not have done that without going to the hospital, and they would have told her to take a couple days off work, and she'd be uncomfortable enough recovering to not want to be without heat or running water to go camping that soon.
so please tell me that what she said is not freaking possible and she's a crappy liar. her dates and stuff just do NOT make sense!
this whole thing drives me crazy because i've spent my whole life staying away from this kind of psycho drama, and its really hard for me to figure out what the correct response is to this situation! most people tell me to ignore her and quit talking to her because she's lying and just trying to get attention. we have moved and changed all our phone numbers to get away from this (and the bad karma where we were) and my husband has refused to talk to her since about a week after it all happened, except for a few random messages, which he has stopped responding to. Unfortunatly my MOTHER IN LAW, who i now hate more than ever, TALKS TO HER, and she works in town and has started telling our aquantances what i consider a bunch of lies. luckily they all know she's a psycho.
i've been going to counseling, but i donn't feel like its resolving anything relationship wise, the counselor is way more interested in breaking the cycle of poverty she perceives us in. and i'm mad at my husband- for even getting us in this mess, which makes it hard to figure out if we should work on our relationship or call it quits.
Jenni, I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with this... and incredibly glad that you decided to open up. Having support for YOU is going to be a very important part of your healing process. One of the many hats that I wear on/offsite has been working with families within crisis situations.... including dealing with infidelity, financial woes, health matters, and much more. Please know that I am NOT an expert. I am however willing to listen and you are welcome to contact me publicly or privately anytime. My email again is email@example.com
I've read through your entire post twice now. Before I answer about all the timelines, dates, etc. please hear this. It honestly just does not matter. *IF* she was pregnant, she isn't now. IF she was and the baby was your dh's, (after a paternity test) -- THEN you would have to deal with taking responsibility for the baby and forced into a long term "relationship" with her. I'll say, thankfully that is not the issue. Frankly I would say just that too to anyone that wants to get into this whole back / forth over the dates and trying to waste your time analyzing what she was / was not doing on particular times. Again - it does NOT matter.
Because I do understand though for your peace of mind that while technically it doesn't matter, your heart still may want to hear... you are correct. If the timing was what your husband said of when their affair started and she was telling the truth on when she received a +test... nope. It would not have been his. Regarding her m/c story -- yes, she would have been 18 - 20 weeks. A m/c at this stage however can be a varying experience. With my own losses within this stage (I've had a few within this time frame), some were "fast".. others much more painful and longer. I know some have to go to the doctor to have a D & C. Mine were natural at home. Whether she would have returned to work immediately would depend upon the type of work that she does. I cannot say that it would have been impossible. The cabin story? Again - on that it would be dependent upon how the loss would have gone for her. I am with you though in that the story seems highly questionable.
You mentioned that you have moved; that your dh is not talking with her... etc. That part is good. Does your MIL know what happened? If not, then I would maybe just have your dh (NOT YOU) tell her that this person tried to hurt your marriage and that he would appreciate it if she would limit contact and absolutely NOT to discuss you or your marriage with that person further... or really anyone else for that matter. If your MIL DOES know and continues to talk with her beyond what is required -- again it is your dh's place to say "Mom, enough."
As I believe you have gathered, your problem though is NOT this girl. Your marriage was vulnerable due to a number of issues. While there is very rarely a single culprit or problem involved in infidelity, ultimately your dh did make the decision to allow it to happen... and then to enable it even more by moving her into your home and carry on the affair there. Again, I'm so sorry and know you are deeply hurt. For your counselor to blow it off is only piling on the hurt even more. UGH! Certainly, I'm not stating that being trapped in a cycle of poverty is not contributing to things being stressful but to claim that is THE reason for cheating? Sounds like a copout.
Now for a little message of hope:
1)Accept that counselors are not perfect nor is one person a good fit for all of their clients. If you feel that you are not making progress (or -- even feeling worse about yourself / your situation) -- maybe shop around and try another counselor. Maybe the one you are seeing IS good at helping you find a path to getting on your feet financially. There's nothing wrong with that. But right now you are feeling crushed by the betrayal; understandably angry; and BOTH of you need help in finding a way to help him build trust again. Without at least getting a foothold on how you can BOTH trust again, you aren't going to have your marriage survive.
2)Marriages DO survive infidelity... granted not all. Years ago we had a support board specifically for members with "been there, done that" experience. While it can seem like a simple "throw the bum out" and "once a cheater always a cheater" cliches abound, the truth is it isn't that easy... nor is the latter HAVE to be your reality. People make mistakes and yes, he screwed up -- BIG time and literally. I think the ultimate factors are tied to two steps. First, whether HE wants to make a positive difference. Is he willing to cut ALL ties with her (and any other women he may have had "relationships" with.. if any.) If he is really only willing to give a half-hearted try then it won't work. Secondly... and this will take time and effort on your part.. is that you have to be willing to forgive. Know that doesn't mean that you have to think that it was ok. It wasn't... but if you are unwilling to forgive and take every opportunity to throw it up in his face -- then your marriage cannot heal.
Just like with any loss, there is a grieving process and no set time line to follow. Everyone will heal differently. The good news? IF both of you remain committed to one another and are willing to do what it takes to get through this you *can* not only survive, you can have an incredibly strong marriage.
I could write more but I know that this is already a novel! Just know that I will be keeping you, your husband, and your family in my thoughts and prayers. The offer to talk more is there anytime.
It occurs to me suddenly that i think the counselor might be putting so much emphasis on the breaking the cycle of poverty is because i did say that money is a factor in me wanting to stay together with him right now.
And she works in a gas station (which we avoid like the plague, but a large number of our friends go there often including for their deli lunch selection) so she's on her feet all day etc... yeah, like hell she'd want to be at work the 2 days following that....
but i'm going to remind myself and focus on not the "what ifs" because if i was going to do that i'd still be trapped in thinking i'd go back and stop it from happening.... and i know thats not going to happen....
my MIL knows EXACTLY what happened- like i said they grew up together, so MIL knew her too, and my MIL copped out and left her kids for an online affair she was having when DH was 16. my BIL hasnt spoken to her since she left... 9 years ago. he still doesnt. unless he's calling her names. i used to chalk her up to being silly... but she just sucks. and i think i'm going to stick with the policy of not speaking to her. i havent seen her in almost 3 years, she has never seen our youngest child and she lives 4 states away. where i like her. easy to ignore.
If i can find a sitter and make it to my counseling appointment tomorrow i think i'll spend it discussing switching counselors with her- its a non-profit organization otherwise i couldnt afford it, and you have to go through your counselor with a complaint before you move on. also at our last appointment she couldnt find like 6 different things she was trying to collect for me..... i want someone who will help me figure out (and over ride) why i keep falling for trying to contact her instead of ignoring her, not someone who makes me feel silly and illogical for accepting the contact.
i love my husband, but he's always been a really big child, maybe before kids it wasnt as apparant how much i had to pick up the slack for what he didnt take care of, or if things have changed or what......but i think i keep giving in and taking care of things because i can't handle the consequences of letting him fail at a responsibility (lower credit score for not paying bills, i have a great score and don't want to ruin it because he's sillly) etc...... thats why its so hard for me to separate "i love him and i want to be with him" from taking care of him etc.... oh so confusing.
and i'm hurt because i spent that month she lived with us... and the months before... spending time and being friends with her. i can't seem to understand why the person i thought i was friends, very close friends with, for so long is trying to hard to deliberatly hurt me, and i feel the same way about DH, but he came clean and seems to be honestly trying to figure things out even if he's stumbling more than succeeding at giving me what i need.
A few more (I promise short! LOL) thoughts after reading your last response:
1)If you shared that you feel trapped due to your financial situation -- then, yes, it *could* be that she is trying to help guide you on a plan that you felt you had options and a choice. You do now. I know that it would be hard but it sounds like you are shouldering the bulk of things now. Obviously, you seem that you would like to at least *try* to work on your marriage... otherwise I cannot see that you'd be making the effort. There is no clear path in dealing with this type of situation. I believe you are taking the right road in trying to work through the various issues -- even if it is just to help you figure out what you want to do.
2)Re: contact with the other girl... ask specifically for the counselor (new or old one) to help you set boundaries. Defining them as such can help you "train" yourself to refuse to engage her further.
Missy said it best. I just wanted you to know that you have support here. I went through a situation including a girl my DH was friends with (he never slept with her or cheated on me) BUT he would be on the phone with her for hours a month. It got so bad that we had to start going to counseling. Our first counselor was terrible. Neither one of us liked her. We found another one we both love and after many many many visits to her, we were able to get things under control. I made it a point that he went with me. It finally started working when I decided to finally open up and tell it like it was....no holds bar. It took him a while to realize what he did was wrong, but he did. Now, we are closer than ever. I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need to talk, I am a pm away.
i'm sooooo glad i brought this here, its like its not locked up anymore!
counseling- its through a non profit womens resource center- their policy is that they see the woman first for "assessment" and i'm assuming that includes screening for abuse etc- and then they bring in the partner - IF the counselor thinks that they are ready. at my first appointment she didnt think i was ready- but after our session friday DH is going in for the next session so she can assess him... i'm really confused. but i don't know of any other places that you only have to pay $10 a session. if this doesnt go anywhere within a month i'll formally request a different counselor, and if that doesnt work i'll just write a sad letter and start calling all the independant therapists in the phone book until i find one that has reasonable rates/sliding fee scale.
DH refuses ALL contact with her, i'm the one that keeps caving. because i hate the way i feel wondering what she's going to do next.
DH actually works with her ex-boyfriend- scary, i know, but guess what he told us? In July she tried to tell him that she was pregnant with his baby and had a miscarriage. hmmmmm...... this is totally slashing her credibility.
i do have one thing i want to do. DH was friends with her because thier dads are BFFs. in fact, her dad called ME when crap came out and apologized to me about it, he LOVES me i'm tempted to call him and tell him what she's been doing because he's the ONLY person she feels any accountability towards.
so he would approach her and either give her a tongue lashing about lack of birth control (btw, she did claim to be on birth control the whole time, in fact she asked for a ride to planned parenthood and had a whole big deal about how they gave her a double dose of the morning after pill that day because she did say she'd been having unprotected sex recently and then still had her start a birth control pack that day too) or she's going to have to admit to lying to TWO guys about pregnancy/miscarraige which is just f-ing brutal of her to do to anybody, and there is a good chance that if she doesnt straighten up he won't be speaking to her. in fact, i don't think he's spoken to her MUCH in the last couple months over this whole thing. She could have gone back to his house to live but couldnt handle the fact that he had rules and expected her to behave and be responsible for herslef, so she left to live with another friend.
if she's lying- she lied about just about everything, and lied some more, and heck how can i even tell if she did or didnt like a food she said she did because she just lied. therefore it never happened and she's a sick compulsive liar.
If she's not lying about this then what she claims happened- she got pregnant ON birthcontrol pills, got a + pregnancy test 10 days or less after starting this affair, continued to take the pills to make her story look legit, lied every day about it to the father of the child, even when he dropped her off and said he was sorry it happened, he still loves her like a sister but thats all he ever felt (don't ya think she'd have brought it out then?) got drunk at least once a week, quit a paying job and decided to move out therefore become HOMELESS, never got prenatal care even though she went to the HOSPITAL randomly for the pregnancy test in the first place..... and even though her MOM was PREGNANT and iN JAIL... and she KNOWS how important prenatal care is.......
nope, its not possible. i've been pregnant without insurance before, anywhere she went to get a pregnancy test would supply her with proof of pregnancy so she could apply for insurance and they would make her get prenatal care, or she wouldnt have been able topay to go get a test done anyway, and i know she was sleeping with the other 2 guys THE WEEK she started stuff with my husband..... this is one f-ed up story.... :headdesk:
Wow, some people really have no idea how much mind games and lies can mess with people's lives...How unfair is it that she did this to your family and you have had to move away!
All I can say is...What goes around comes around! Take pride that you have a family, you have a job and a husband that has probably had one big scare out of this whole thing. She has nothing but hatred toward her from a number of people including her own father! She sounds like she has a huge issues. As a PP said she isn't pregnant with your husbands baby, and even if she was she isn't now and therefore has no ties to you or your husband!
The only thing that I feel that I would be doing in your position (if you feel that you can), is calling the family where she was working and let then know what went on just in case she ever uses them for a reference. I sure as hell would not like that woman in my house looking after my children!
I hope that things work themselves out! lots of hugs your way!!