Anyone Divorced??

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CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855
Anyone Divorced??

What's your story? How long were you married before getting a divorce? Did you have kids? How log did it take you to find your current DH? How do you feel in general about your life now??

Basically, dish!! Wink

girlisrad's picture
Joined: 04/24/07
Posts: 1587

I am divorced and re-married!

We got pregnant, ran to Vegas. When we got home he stayed around for a week and then started to disappear for weeks at a time. I do not think we ever ate more than one meal together as a married couple. We were divorced a year almost to the day later.

We had one Son together. I did all I knew to keep us together as a family... even went back to work when Ryan was 6 weeks old and just told him "To be a SAHD." The night before i was supposed to go back to work he went MIA. I had call off my first day back. By the time I got back home, he was there with his bag already packed. He asked for a ride to the bus stop, I told him to suck an egg (in more colorful language). I saw him one more time, at the mediation appointment. He never even showed up to the divorce hearing. We have not seen him since.

DH and I met when Ryan was nearly 2... I had moved to Colorado to try to end the downward spiral my life was on. Praise God, it was the right choice Smile

NOW? My life is everything I hoped it would be. Beautiful boys, amazing husband, awesome friends and family. Blessed in every way. ALL i can say is: God blessed the broken road...

CrysRee31's picture
Joined: 06/01/11
Posts: 1473

I'm divorced as well,
Back in my early 20'swas dating a guy who swore he was never going to fall in love, never getting married and never wanted kids. Well he 'came around' and we started talking about marriage, then opps we got pregnant. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant at the courthouse. He had no motivation and problems with drugs and alchool. I worked my butt off to keep things together and tried to give our DD the life I wanted for her. I wasn't enough - after 6 years he had a DUI (with my brother's car) and that was the straw that broke tha camels back. I kicked him out and filed for divorce.

A few months later my friend had a party and wanted me there (she was trying to get me out having fun) so I went little did I know I'd meet a great guy by sheer chance, I wasn't ready to trust or date anyone but we became friends. Discovered that our families know each other - in fact our grandparents have been friends for 50 years! It wasn't long before friendship turned to more. He says he's the luckiest man in the world - he got to fall in love with 2 wonderful ladies Smile

I couldn't be happier, we've been together for 2 years now and are buying a house and TTC our 1st together Smile

My life is awesome Biggrin

CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855

Thanks so much for sharing your stories ladies!! I have just been struggling a lot lately with not being happy in my marriage. Part of it is circumstantial (DH has major health problems that he didn't really have when we got married. He has lost his job and can't work and doesn't really help me much) and some of it is just him. He, again, doesn't help. He just watches tv all the time. I can't trust him to do what he says and I can't trust what he says. He has struggled a lot with alcohol in the past and now it's coming back. I just feel like I woke up and have realized that this isn't the life I want for myself or my son and that my DH is never going to change. We've been married 4.5 years... I've just been thinking about the D word a lot lately and what that would mean and look like. I wanted to get some othe ladies stories about how it went for them. So thanks again for sharing!!

girlisrad's picture
Joined: 04/24/07
Posts: 1587

"CaityA83" wrote:

Thanks so much for sharing your stories ladies!! I have just been struggling a lot lately with not being happy in my marriage. Part of it is circumstantial (DH has major health problems that he didn't really have when we got married. He has lost his job and can't work and doesn't really help me much) and some of it is just him. He, again, doesn't help. He just watches tv all the time. I can't trust him to do what he says and I can't trust what he says. He has struggled a lot with alcohol in the past and now it's coming back. I just feel like I woke up and have realized that this isn't the life I want for myself or my son and that my DH is never going to change. We've been married 4.5 years... I've just been thinking about the D word a lot lately and what that would mean and look like. I wanted to get some othe ladies stories about how it went for them. So thanks again for sharing!!

:bigarmhug:

I am so SO sorry. Drugs were a huge factor in our demise too... and it is SO sad to think that he chose drugs over his Son. But I digress...

Alcoholism is so destructive. I have been on BOTH sides of it and I can say that it is the most frightening "drug" out there.

anyway... if you need to talk, I am always willing Smile I hope you are able to work through this!!! (((hugs)))

CrysRee31's picture
Joined: 06/01/11
Posts: 1473

Your current situation sounds somewhat like mine did. Feel free to PM me anytime!

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

I am divorced and now remarried. Mine isn't the best story, but since I've spilled it on here before, I guess once more doesn't really matter. I got (stupidly) married at 18 years old to someone I had only been dating for six months. I lost my virginity to him and was brought up being taught not to have sex until you were married. Well, needless to say I felt guilty for having sex with him and that's pretty much why I married him (that, and my family was all back in Orlando and I was in Vegas, so I was lonely, too). By our one year anniversary I was three months pregnant with our son, and by the time our son was three months old I had cheated on him with an old boyfriend from high school (just once). I felt that I had settled way too early and was now acting out because of it. One month shy of our third anniversary I started having an affair with my married boss (who also had a son the same age as my son). We had been working together for about two years before anything started, and obviously because of the amount of time spent together and many things in common, it sparked up something between us. Two months into the affair I became pregnant, and I knew it wasn't my husband's child (I had only slept with hubby twice that month and we had used protection both times). Six weeks after I learned of my pregnancy, my boss' wife also became pregnant (I know, this story gets more Jerry Springer by the minute). Even the pregnancies didn't stop what we were doing. My world came crashing down about six weeks before my due date when my husband came home early from work one day and caught the two of us in bed together (thankfully we weren't actually DTD, but we were lying there naked... sorry for the TMI). My hubby left me immediately, and my boss went home and spilled to his wife all that had been going on. Initially our spouses both wanted to keep the marriages together, but after about a month we all knew nothing was going to be the same. My husband moved back in with his parents and my boss moved in with friends and it stayed that way for a couple of months. I gave birth to my second son (who was, in fact, my boss' child as I thought) and his wife gave birth to their second son. After our divorces were finalized in June of 2005 we moved in together, and we were married in December of 2006. Since then we have had two more children, a daughter and another son. It's been a rocky road needless to say, but it's actually brought us together in ways we never thought possible. Like I said before, I'm not proud of the way DH and I got together, and I'm not looking forward to the day when I have to explain to my son Max why his brother Ian is just six weeks younger than he is. But, we're a family for what it's worth, and we love each other more than anything.

CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855

Krystal - thanks so much for sharing you're story. You're right that it is a very unique one. I'm gla you are in a good place now.

AFM - I go back and forth all the time. We have a good afternoon and I realize I'd never actually leave him, then he does something that upsets me and I wonder how I'll ever do this the rest of my life. Ugh... We are going to start counseling so hopefully that'll help!

efresch's picture
Joined: 03/22/12
Posts: 8

I was not technically married but common law for 5 years with my daughter's father. At first it was good.. then it just kinda fizzed.. he got into drugs really bad.. and video games.. omg every spare piece of money we had went to one or the other. When I got pregnant with our daughter, I was too into the whole "I'm having a baby" and he promised to get clean.. which shockingly he did.. and I was so proud of him.. I should have seem the signs of disaster when I was in labor.. he wouldn't stay at the hospital with me when I was in labor, we had to call him to come back when I was going for my emerg c-section and he barely spent any time after the birth with me in the hospital.. we didn't have other children but we had a dog.. that was his excuse to go home all the time.. he needed to be with her.. but whenever he came back he just would brag about how far he got in the game he was playing.

I had the old fashion belief of the women can do it all in the house.. and for a while I was.. my dad and stepmom came to help while we were still in the hospital but little did I know they didn't stick around in the hospital and they left with my ex because they were running off to get high together. When they left, he stopped doing drugs.. until Christmas when they came back.. it was then I was thinking I need to keep the family together.. I need to make sure Pagan grows up like I never did.. with a mom AND a dad, so I did everything I could to keep us together and to get over my insecurities.

When she turned a year he had been doing drugs the whole 6 months, never around us.. I made sure of that.. but after she turned one, he started blaming her for taking money he could use on other things like games/drugs when it was being used on diapers and formula. Then he started becoming abusive physically towards me (looking back now, he had always been mentally abusive) but in August 2010 he went after her.. he threatened to kill her, the whole nine yards.. he went postal... so yeah.. with help, we left. I look back now and just wish I would have left after her first Christmas when it started getting bad, then we wouldn't have had to go through what we did.

That same summer, I met a friend through a game publisher I worked for (yes I played video games..but I got paid for it).. he became my best friend and at first I thought he was a girl.. he teases me to this day about it.. but he was my backbone through this all and the only support I had, my family turned to my ex's side. Before I had even left my ex (we had broken up but he wouldn't let me leave with her and I wasn't leaving her behind and the women's shelter was closed here so couldn't run there and since my family sided with him.. yeah they were out of the question and also hours away)... but before I physically left my ex, my online friend told me the words I had not heard in a long time.. he had fallen in love with me.. this may sound creepy but he had never seen or heard me.. only in pictures and videos on facebook, he asked me out while I was in an out of town women's shelter. He came over just after that Christmas, proposed on New Years Eve and on September 6th it will be our 2 year anniversary and we have been engaged for over a year.. my daughter adores him and she believes HE is her daddy.. her sperm donor as I now call him is MIA.. he failed to show up for most of the custody hearings so I automatically got full and he hasn't seen Pagan since 3 weeks after we left him in August 2010.

I am currently in the process of ridding Pagan of the sperm donor's last name and I had to send a registered mail to the last known address for him that I had.. it came back to me so now I really have no clue where he is.. but as long as he doesn't break the restraining order, I am ok with him being gone.. he stopped breaching it last September so hopefully the fact he has been gone since the end of summer is a sign he is actually GONE! Once her name change papers come back.. Pagan and I are going to get the rest of our papers together so we can make the big move to the UK to bring our happy family back together

I think my story is like .. worse case scenario in any relationship.. and if I could go back and change things I would.. but I can say that going through all of it.. its made me a stronger person then what I was before.. and I needed that.

I may not be the best person to give advice because I stayed till it got really bad, but now when I think about life and some of the difficulties my fiance and I have (mainly deciding if he would move here or if we would move there) I didn't even think about how it would effect him and I..I just thought about the effects it would have on Pagan.. the only advice I can give is to do the best for your children... look at how the situation could effect them.. talk to your spouse about it and if the effort if there to make the situation better for the children, then go for it.. if not.. well.. yeah.. we know where that one leads..

KET_2010's picture
Joined: 08/13/11
Posts: 1737

I was never married to my ex either, but we have a kid together. We were together for about 1 1/2 years off and on.

I met him when I was 17 and he was 16. He and I worked at the same place and he had a g/f who he always complained about. We got to talking and were friends, but then we admitted we had feelings for each other and wanted to be together. He and I kissed and that's when he knew he had to break up with his g/f. I felt bad he cheated on her, but it happened. Anyway, within a couple of weeks of us dating we were sleeping together. (It wasn't until later that he told me he just wanted to "get it over with") Then we started doing the "pull out" method and doing it on my period. We even went as far as risking it and he would finish inside me a few days after my period ended (sorry for the TMI). Well 3 months after we began dating his gpa died and to make himself feel better we had sex twice...a week or so after my period had ended. That ended with me getting pregnant. Both parents wanted me to get an abortion. I said no. During my pregnancy, when I was 5 months pregnant he decided he didn't want to be with me and broke up with me. Later that night he wanted to get back together. He began getting physically and mentally abusive. He would tell me my vagina was a "cheap hole" and I was a ***** (this was because I had slept with one person before him only 3 times) and he shoved me hard off his bed when I was 6-7 month pregnant and he'd hit me and shoved me. After my daughter was born he was overjoyed. He said he'd change. But he didn't. He got worse. 6 weeks after she was born he broke up with me again then got back together with me a week later. He would cuss out DD1 when she cried and one time shook her saying "Shut the f*** up!" and I took her from him. She was crying because she was hungry. He NEVER had her alone. When I went to work one weekend he complained about having to watch her. When we were in school (college) he would skip class but not want to watch her while I went so my mom did. He began playing paintball for days at a time, but expect me to be at his mom's house when he got home. He broke up with me again when she was about 3 months old, but wanted to keep sleeping together. I, of course, thought if I did this he would realize we should be together so I did what he wanted. I went as far as letting him buy whatever he wanted with my money instead of saving it for my daughter. When I got pregnant I had 10,000$+ saved up from work (I lived off my tips) whereas he said because of me he kept spending all his money. He wouldn't keep a job unless he thought it was "good enough". He actually convinced me to buy him a motorcycle ($2000 down the drain) and then two months later he sold it for scraps for $250. The end of July he was sleeping with me and talking with some girl he met at MEPS (he joined the Navy) and finally he stopped sleeping with me when he realized he could probably sleep with this other girl. AFter that he was pretty much out of our lives. He left for the Navy in January 2007 and since then has only seen my daughter for about 20-25 hours in all. That was when he lived 15 minutes from us, but decided seeing his g/f who lived an hour away was more important. He uses his job as an excuse for not keeping in contact and has changed his number 4 times in 1 1/2 years because he "loses" his phone all the time. He says he calls but I don't answer, yet my phone never rings.

However, I am married now. My DH is a Marine and we met at work (this was before he joined). With him, as soon as we got together, things felt different. We moved in together within 2 weeks of dating. A little over a year of moving in together, we had our first daughter together, but it was like our second because he immediately began a father figure to my older daughter. He joined the Marines when DD2 was 2 1/2 years old and we got married after he graduated boot camp. Next week we are going to be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary. We have been together 3 1/2 years. We just had our son 2 weeks ago. He has been an amazing with everything. My ex is stationed 3 hours away and he has only been down once for about 2 hours right after DD1's birthday. He is a person who liked the idea of being a father, but never wanted to be one. I'm hoping one day he will sign over his rights. He has told me that in 15 years DD1 will understand why he was never around because he needed to become successful and make money and save lives (he's a Corpsman, which is a Navy doctor) and that he is actually making something of himself instead of working in a convenient store. And that when she grows up she'll say "My dad's not a dirtbag, he couldn't be around because he needed to save lives and become successful and make a lot of money!" and that I'm too stupid to understand.

DD1 calls my DH her Dad. She has never called my ex her dad.

Sorry for the long story, I just get fired up about it ha ha.

I hope things turn out good for you though. Hopefully your DH will start to change.

CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories. Things between DH and I have been better lately but we still have a lot we need to work on. He is very quick to anger. He isn't physical or abusive or anything, but little things that most ppl just brush off set him off all the time. He has started helping around the house more and getting up in the mornings with DS so I can stay in bed. So it's good that he is trying. He absolutely doesn't want a divorce bc he knows he'll hardly ever get to see DS (and bc he loves us of course).

Thanks again for sharing your stories. It's just really nice to hear what everyone else has to say and what they've been through!

SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

Caity, I just stopped in to check on you. I'm glad you updated and SO glad to hear that things are going a little bit better. I hope that DH sees how worthwhile it is to put forth the effort to work on things.

In our marriage, I'm the one that tends to be quick to anger and it's something that I really really have to work on. I have no idea how I got this way or how to change it, and it's one thing I really hate about myself. I am usually thinking immediately after getting angry "this is such a dumb thing to be upset about" but it feels so hard to control. Not to make excuses for your husband but just to give you a different perspective...I think it's hard to understand when you don't have that personality/characteristic, but it's a really hard thing to overcome. I'm really working on it right now because I don't want my kids to be this way and I'm afraid they will be if they see it modeled in me.

CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855

Carrie,

Thanks for checking on me Smile And thanks for sharing your side of things. I do know what its like to have those feelings that you feel like you can't control. But its hard for me because I do get frustrated with things but am able to keep myself calm and realize that its not a big deal... I just want him to be able to do that... We are still working on going to counseling to work on some of our issues. We really don't have that big of issues. Basically it just got to the point where I was tired of dealing with the same problems over and over for the last 5 years. I hit a wall and realized I don't want to live the rest of my life being upset over the same things constantly. But he has been making an effort to see how hard of a time I'm having with our life changes right now and has been working to help me through them. Which I really appreciate. Hopefully we will both be getting jobs soon and then he will graduate so that I can stay home if he gets a full time job. Thats my ultimate goal!! Smile I have a job interview on friday so I am just hoping that it will be enough pay to provide for our fam so we can get back on our feet. Surely something will come along soon!

CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855

Just wanted to update:

I did get a new job and I start tomorrow. Things with DH have gotten a lot worse and I'm really thinking divorce is in our future. I hate the thought of it and I'm just sick about it... But I don't know what else to do. I dont want to have to live the rest of my life the way I am now. And I don't want DS to have to live this way also. Or see his dad as someone he can't count on or respect the way he should. Sad

Joined: 04/23/07
Posts: 624

Just barely saw this thread. I am really sorry things have gotten worse for you Caitlin. I have never been divorced but my sister has been through a messy divorce and she is now a single mom with two kids. I was there for her throughout the whole thing so I know how it can be. Hang in there and stay strong. I hope things improve, but if they don't...know that you can get through it. Be strong for your son. If you need to talk at all, I am here.

Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

Caity, I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

I too am not married but I do have a partner who at times has and can be very selfish and inconsiderate. I have always gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed he will change, but deep down I know if he can't do it now then he necer will be able to.

I have left him on numerous occasions but because I am weak right now, I have gone back. We mutually agreed about 2 weeks before Christmas that we would call it a day, but he begged me to stay until after Christmas so that he could be with our DD. I told him it wouldn't work but agreed anyway. Sure enough, I had a night out with girlfriends and he got drunk at home. When I got back, we had a huge fight which was physical (no hitting, just gripping) and I left with DD the next day. We went back to my Mum's and I was completely devastated. For a few days he gave me nothing but abuse and prior to this I had bought myself a new phone. Well, according to him I was pathetic and he bet I'd never be off it. Really??

Anyway, leading upto Christmas day we were getting on better and as promised, DD and I stayed there on Christmas Eve and I just never left. Our relationship is much better now, but I know from past experience that this will only last for a certain period of time and it will go back to the way it always does. I love him so much and I know deep down he loves me and DD, but he is selfish. He likes to drink, it has been an issue in the past but it isn't so much now. The issue I have is that he spends money on alcohol that we do not have. My way of thinking is that I don't get to treat myself with clothes, make up, nights out with friends so why should I have to sacrafice these things when he just carries on with his life. It may sound pathetic to some, but to me it is a huge deal. My DD comes first no matter what and if I have spare cash, it goes on her.

Right now I am in the "I want to stay but I know things will slowly sprial downwards" stage. If I am completely honest, half the reason I am still with him is because I have no place to go, I lose my job on Aug 31st due to redundancy and my confidence is zero. I know once those 3 things are sorted, unless he has a massive U-turn then me and DD will be gone.

xx