Facebook defriending - why does this bother me??

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raingirl28's picture
Last seen: 2 years 9 months ago
Joined: 09/03/07
Posts: 1347
Facebook defriending - why does this bother me??

I need advice. I don't understand why this is bothering me so much!!!

Recently I learned that a few "friends" of mine had de-friended me on Facebook. One in particular I suspect did it because she thought I had blocked her because she couldn't see my posts or my wall. The truth is I had turned off my wall temporarily while playing with the privacy settings. Instead of asking me directly (she has my phone number, email addresses, etc), she went to my husband first. I also sent her a message explaining I hadn't blocked her but that my wall was disabled.

I find out a few weeks later that she "de-friended" me. In addition, I wonder if she is spreading rumors about me now because two other mutual friends of ours have also de-friended me. One of them had a birthday yesterday so I emailed him a happy birthday but received no response (quite unlike him). Oh yeah, she also deleted me from her "girls night out" FB group.

I think the reason this bothers me so much is because she didn't have the decency to actually ask me directly about it.

I don't make friends easily. I'm not someone who gets close to others easily either. I don't have a lot of friends - mostly just aquaintences. It's just that these three people are part of the core group of friends my DH and I hang out with. They are somewhat of the social glue I guess you could say. She was my yarn/knitting/crochet buddy. I feel really hurt because I didn't do anything wrong!

I want to say something because I don't want her to be saying things that aren't true behind my back. I hate that I feel forced to do this, but I feel like I need to take the "damage control" role asap before it gets worse. At the same time, why should it be my responsibility to do this? I feel like she's winning and I'm losing by being the one to engage her in the conversation?? I want to just let it go and if it was just one person then fine, but if she's telling mutual friends of ours wrong information, then that is not fair to me.

So frustrating!!

carg0612's picture
Last seen: 4 years 7 months ago
Joined: 09/23/09
Posts: 1554

So sorry Rachael! As if you haven't been through enough in your personal life, right?

Well, if their friendship means that much to you than I think you should reach out. Yes, she was wrong and unfair to make assumptions about things without talking to you but maybe she's just a passive/agressive type (at least it sounds that way to me).

Sometimes when you approach someone like that and talk with them they've had a chance to settle down and re-think the whole thing. She may very well have misunderstood what happened on fb and just wasn't confident enough in her own communication skills to talk with you directly about it. But after a little space and an explanation from you she might re-tool.

I get what you mean about feeling like the losing end because you're approaching her. But the way I look at it (if it were me) is this: I am the smarter, better communicating person. And as that better person it is my role to lead. As the leader I will take the bull by the horns and iron this out with logic and compassion.

If, however, that person still decides to not be my friend then I cut my losses, lick my wounds, and move on. Her loss for losing me as a friend, my gain for ridding myself of someone untrue anyway.

That's just me - doesn't mean it's the right thing for you to do.

No matter how you decide to handle it I wish you luck. Dealing with other people's emotions can be a tricky and tough situation. But you are a sweetie pie and hopefully your friend will see that shine through!

combatcutie's picture
Last seen: 19 hours 21 min ago
Joined: 04/04/07
Posts: 2376

I agree with Christina. The only way to resolve this would be to talk in person or over the phone. Email and private messages/texts could be taken the wrong way. I hope you get this straightened out soon. You definitely don't need the extra stress involved in your life. Good luck with your friend

Jenn0113's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

I agree...if you want to save the friendship I would call her or email her. Just let her know exactly what happened and ask her if that's the reason she defriended you and why she removed you from the GNO group.

I *hate* the drama that fb makes. People put so much time and effort into updating their statuses that they seem to forget who is reading it. I think strict privacy settings are great.

Starryblue702's picture
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

To me, a "real" friend would never do that to begin with. I know you feel badly about it, and I'm truely sorry about that, but obviously you didn't mean much to them, so I wouldn't let it get the better of you. I have friends like this (I haven't had a de-friending situation), close girlfriends, that didn't come to my baby shower, haven't shown for my kids' birthdays in a couple of years, etc... at first it really bothered me, but in the end obviously I don't mean that much to them anymore and I just had to deal with it. It still hurts a lot though...

AVoiceInTheWilderness's picture
Last seen: 1 year 2 months ago
Joined: 01/19/06
Posts: 85

Ita - starryblue702 100%! ... Been there, done that. A real friend would have called - text - email...She went to your husband - who probably backed you. I'd watch out for her... Sad

combatcutie's picture
Last seen: 19 hours 21 min ago
Joined: 04/04/07
Posts: 2376

Rachael, how are things going with this? Were you able to talk to the friend to see what is going on?