Hi everybody, I hope you can help with a little advice for my situation. I'm expecting our first baby and had a real slap in the face moment with my husband yesterday (NOT LITERALLY! just emotionally ) Basically DH has admitted that he can't see how he will ever bond with our child. The following is a rough account of what shocked me, he said "I dont see the point of stressing too much over the thing. My parents didn't come running when I cried, just relax. Babies are a little pointless until you can have a conversation with them anyway" HE CALLED OUT BABY A "THING"!!!!!!!!
Should I be worried? do all me feel like this? My husband is a good man, He supported me during my degree, runs his own business, would never let anything harm me. He said once that men get married because they want a wife, but women get married because they want a father for their children. Have I ended up with a syco or is his opinion normal?
Although my DH never called Robbie a "thing" he had a really hard time understanding pregnancy and what was going to happen once the baby was born. Pregnancy is pretty abstract for men as it is not there body going through the changes, feels kicks, etc. Also my DH have NO experience with babies. The first baby he ever held was Robbie. DH thought that he would not be a good father as he had no interest in kids. That all changed the second our son was born.
I wouldn't be to stressed out about your DH's feelings right now.
Sean (38 )
Robbie (8 )
Bailey (April 2, 2011)
"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss
I agree - pregnancy and the resulting baby is very hard for some guys to grasp... they can't feel it like you can, they don't experience the pregnancy and the bonding that you have already done with that bump in your belly... and many don't have that baby instinct that most of us women seem to have. But I'll bet you that as soon as your baby is born - if not right away, then def. within a few weeks, your DH will have bonded with the baby. Since it is his own child, he will react differently than he thinks - especially since his only experience is most likely with other peoples' babies.
Hang in there and give him the benefit of the doubt.
The others gave some great insights. Dads kind of seem in denial sometimes. They might think YOUR belly is cute or that it's neat when THE baby kicks and he feels it. But somehow it's like the fact this baby is theirs and part of them has not made it through the skull and into the brain.
What he's saying and feeling isn't uncommon and like Melissa says, often the second that baby arrives, he'll do this turnaround that has you spinning.
A couple articles that you might find helpful in helping him connect with the baby now:
Bonding with Your Baby in Utero
"As silly as it sounds men need women to help them bond with their babies. It's not something we've been taught how to do and many guys don't understand the importance of it. If you can help him bond better and faster there will be plenty of benefits for both you and the baby."
Pregnancy for Dads
It isn't true that just because he isn't carrying the baby, the Daddy isn't vital to the pregnancy. From conception, there is only one Daddy, and he has a very big job to do.
What's Your Pregnant Man Thinking?
So how do men experience pregnancy? What do they think about as the months go by? Is it true that men tend to be in denial about pregnancy during the first several months and only "get it" when their partner begins to show? Do they think pregnancy is beautiful? Do they ever have second thoughts? Are there ways to help manage his and your stress during pregnancy and still meet a couple's needs? And perhaps the most important questions of all, why do men think differently than women and how can this difference help you as a couple?
Hope these articles can give you a few tips to get him onboard and some reassurance that this seems a normal part of pregnancy for some men.
I thought that I would ask my husband's perspective on this:
"Guys don't always have the natural ability to bond with a child until it is in their arms for their first time. I was excited by the idea of my first child but I had no idea about the bond that happens when I would actually hold the baby. So either his attitude will change when he has held the baby at the birth or it will be something that develops over time. At the end of the day, he is the father and he will get this eventually. Give him time to develop a better attitude towards the baby"
I hope that a guy's perspective may be helpful...I wish you all the best and I am sure your husband will feel different once he holds that little one inside you
I agree that men have a harder time with the bonding process at first. My DH was always excited about me being pregnant and everything but I don't think he ever felt bonded until the baby actually came. I know while I was pregnant he wondered how he would ever love our baby as much as he loves his precious dog. He laughs about it now bc it isn't even comparable. From the second Corbin was born James took to him and loves him so much and is so protective of him. Now it's like "what dog??"
I think that all men bond differently and at different stages. I agree with a PP that he probably only has experience with how he has felt about other ppls kids, which isn't anywhere near the same level. I hope that he comes around and things work out. KUP!!
Caitlin & James
Corbin 3/25/11 - after 6 IUIs!
Kenley 12/1/13 - Our SURPRISE!
(3 sweet babies in heaven)
I think this old saying sums it up best: A woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she's pregnant. A man becomes a father the day their child is born.
They just don't get it... period. No matter what we might say, do, need, want during pregnancy... they'll NEVER get it. I too wonder if you didn't know this about him beforehand and maybe thought that getting pregnant might change his mind on the whole thing? It is totally bizarre, however, if he in no way showed these emotions about having a child before and now all of a sudden is acting like this.
Krystal & Donovan - 12/2/06
Reagan - 10/2/02
Maximus - 3/10/05
Liberty - 12/11/08
My angel in Heaven 1/7/13