I need so much advice.
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 9 of 9
Like Tree6Likes
  • 1 Post By myyams
  • 1 Post By BokkieNYC
  • 1 Post By Sapphire Sunsets
  • 1 Post By Minx_Kristi
  • 1 Post By MissyJ
  • 1 Post By myyams

Thread: I need so much advice.

  1. #1
    Contributor
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    2

    Default I need so much advice.

    I got a positive pregnancy test on Thursday. I decided not to make any decisions until we got through Christmas. I am considering every option and am not not leaning towards any one more strongly than the other. There is so much to consider.

    I am 30-years old. I finish college next semester. I work full-time as a bar manager at a restaurant and have gone to school part-time off and on. I am only about 3 weeks pregnant. But nausea has already set in. I want to speak to a pregnancy counselor tomorrow, if possible. I don't have an appointment but I hope some where there is someone I can speak to. There are 2 pregnancy care centers in my city and the health department has services. There are probably hotlines and places to call also.

    Here is the big thing. The father does not know. He is a married father of 2. He has been married about 4 years. We have been having an affair for around 2 years. I never contact him, I have to wait for him to contact me. And he only does that when he is at work. He has been off for Christmas and will be through the first of the year. He has one of those picture perfect families; big house, beautiful kids, his wife is a stay-at-home-wife, they are highly respected, etc... He has everything to lose!!! This could ruin his life and be traumatic for his children. (Not to mention the trauma for their extended families.) I don't want to cause them harm. I might never tell him, just leave his life claiming it is for another reason. But I haven't decided.

    I do not want to have an abortion, but I can if it for the best. But I am very embarrassed to be single and pregnant. But more than that I hate the hurt, pain and humiliation will cause my parents that I am single and pregnant. And I don't know how I will answer the question of who the father is. Also, I am not sure if I could work at m job while pregnant. I am on my feet over 40 hours a week. Some days are short shifts, like 5/6 hours, and some days are double shifts, like 10-12 hours.

    I don't know if I could go through the pain of having to give birth then give my child away. And the trauma that would put my family through. I just know how to even decide who should parent the child. I don't even know where to start.

    I don't think parenting is an option, just because I don't have the money. I mean, how would I even pay my rent while I can't work from recovering from birth? And day care when I do work? It is all too much. I also have debts; I owe a couple grand in student loans and a credit card from car maintenance. I have nearly no savings. I struggle to take of me.

    So does anyone have any advice?

  2. #2
    Posting Addict smsturner's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Hamilton, NY
    Posts
    5,863

    Default

    Hi there. I'm sorry you are facing such a difficult time. I'm glad you have places near to you that can help. Please don't be too hard on yourself for whatever you do choose. I think it's incredibly selfless that you don't want to raise a child when you know you can't provide for them.

    Obviously you know that it was less than smart to get involved with this man. If either you or him really worried about trauma to the children it really should have been thought about before the affair. Now it's too late. It's nice that you don't want to cause them hurt, but it you have to discuss it with him, then that's what you have to do. Your problems are important too, and telling him might not necessarily mean trauma to them.

    Ignore what your parents think. They should be supportive of their daughter, no matter what your decision is. Shame on them if they give you a hard time when you really need them the most.

    One thing to think about is that if you really want to have and keep this baby, there are lots of programs to help and options. And also child support would help you a ton.

    Whatever you do, please do call a local clinic and talk with a pregnancy counselor before you make any huge decisions, they are used to dealing with all of your problems and questions and I'm sure you will feel better even just being able to talk to them.
    Big hugs to you. And if you do need support, please come back here to chat. Everyone is awesome and supportive and friendly. And again, PLEASE don't be hard on yourself. Whatever you need to do is right for you, and no one should judge you.
    Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan, ds Marcus, ds #2 coming Feb, 2014

    Lilypie Maternity tickers

    I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26

  3. #3
    Super Poster
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Jeddah
    Posts
    678

    Default

    You are not the only one to blame for bad decisions here, so he should be involved in what happens to the baby you are having together. Literally every other option here is unfair.
    Sapphire Sunsets likes this.
    Aisha

  4. #4
    Prolific Poster BokkieNYC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Brooklyn NY
    Posts
    1,105

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraNC View Post
    But I am very embarrassed to be single and pregnant. But more than that I hate the hurt, pain and humiliation will cause my parents that I am single and pregnant.
    Laura, there is nothing to be embarrassed about in being single and pregnant. If anyone questioned your situation you should just tell them it was your choice and its none of their business. You can be a great mom!


    Quote Originally Posted by smsturner View Post
    I think it's incredibly selfless that you don't want to raise a child when you know you can't provide for them.
    I agree with Susan here. Your decision should always be in the child's best interest, even if that means termination. IMHO it could be far worse to bring a child into a situation where you cannot give him/her your best care.

    Quote Originally Posted by smsturner View Post
    Ignore what your parents think. They should be supportive of their daughter, no matter what your decision is. Shame on them if they give you a hard time when you really need them the most.
    Again I agree with Susan. Hopefully your parents would get over any initial negative reactions and do their best to help you.

    I hope the counsellors can help you make the decision you can live with (it won't be an easy one tho). We're here to listen and support you.
    Sapphire Sunsets likes this.
    ~Roxi~

    A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. -- Ogden Nash
    | 2/6/13 7 weeks |




  5. #5
    Community Host Sapphire Sunsets's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Northeast, USA
    Posts
    7,963

    Default

    You have to do what is right for you.

    Parenting is an option. There are plenty of programs to help. Your family will get over whatever their first reaction may be. There is no reason to be embarassed about being single and pregnant, women all over the world are single and pregnant.

    Adoption is an option too. I think rightfully you should tell him if you go that route.

    Abortion isn't the only answer. You never know how things will work out.

    You have to think seriously about just walking away, if you do you can't walk back into his life yrs later and tell him about a baby he never knew about. If you're going to tell him you need to do it now.

    If he cared about his family or causing them trauma he wouldn't have been with you, it takes a good guy to realize what they are doing is wrong....and this isn't judgemental. I was recently involved with a married man with 2 small children and we both agreed to end it because it wasn't worth either of us losing everything.

    There is a good site that helped me sort things out.
    Am The Other Woman Forum & Chat | Message Board, Chat Rooms & Forums to Post & Talk in
    combatcutie likes this.
    ~ Sara -

    ~ DH - Jim -

    ~ Zachary - 4/19/95 ~ stillborn @ 33 wks

    ~ *J* - 16yr old

    ~ *M* 11yr old

  6. #6
    Community Host Minx_Kristi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Isle of Man, UK - Anything Topic board Mod
    Posts
    3,727

    Default

    His life clearly isn't so picture perfect if he chose to have an affair.

    It's really hard for me not to be biased as I have seen friends go through what you and him are doing to his wife. It is awful.

    Pushing all that aside, he has a right to know about this child and this is his responsibilty too. Why should you be left to worry alone?

    I do not envy your situation.

    xx
    Sapphire Sunsets likes this.
    Me - Kristi, 29
    DD - Leia, July 5 2008

    I luurrrrrve to lurk!

  7. #7
    Contributor
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    2

    Default

    Thank you all so much. This has actually helped a lot. I contacted an adoption agency. I am still trying to figure it all out. It is a waiting game now.

  8. #8
    Online Community Director MissyJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Rocky Mountain Wanna-be
    Posts
    13,063

    Default

    Laura,

    I hope that you are feeling better today and that you were able to get in touch with some of the pregnancy centers in your area. If you need help connecting with additional support -- including local to you, please drop me a private message or reach out to me via email at missyj@pregnancy.org. I can put you in touch with some more resources.

    The other ladies here have offered great advice. Some additional thoughts that come to mind:

    #1) Know that you *can* be an awesome single mom. We have some truly amazing women here as proof that it most certainly CAN be done... including some that have been in similar circumstances. There are terrific resources available to help -- including financial.

    #2) You shared that you are preparing to graduate college next semester. Kudos to you for that! With that in mind, remember that having that degree may open new avenues for employment... and extra income along with it. Go talk with your college's career counselor. Should you decide to continue the pregnancy, be honest with them and ask their advice on seeking job prospects.

    #3) Someone did indicate child support. While I know that you aren't wanting to "mess up" his life or that of his family, as others also pointed out, HE made that choice when he decided to get involved with others outside of his marriage. Should you determine that you are keeping the baby, it IS his responsibility to pay child support. This isn't about worrying about how it may hurt him (or his family), but looking out for your child's interests.

    #4) TOTALLY agree with not allowing your parents to make the decision for you. I'll go a step further. Don't allow the baby's father to pressure you into a termination that you don't want because he feels it is most convenient for *him*. If you feel that you don't want an abortion -- don't. As for your parents, yes, they initially may be upset, angry, disappointed, etc. They may even say hurtful things. One of the many hats that I've worn for years is working with families in crisis situations (onsite and off as a volunteer.) This often includes dealing with unexpected pregnancies, financial woes, infidelity, etc. Your parents are like millions of others throughout generations that want what is best for their kids... and believe that they know exactly what *that* is! IF they are generally supportive and loving though, they WILL adapt and cherish their grandchild.

    #5) Adoption can be a wonderful gift of life for a couple that longs to parent. Perhaps explore an open adoption.

    There is no easy, one-size-fits-all solution. I wish you only the best in whatever path you choose. Please do come back and share how you are doing. The support here is something extraordinary.
    Last edited by MissyJ; 12-28-2012 at 01:20 AM.
    Sapphire Sunsets likes this.

  9. #9
    Super Poster
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Jeddah
    Posts
    678

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraNC View Post
    Thank you all so much. This has actually helped a lot. I contacted an adoption agency. I am still trying to figure it all out. It is a waiting game now.
    It is a hard situation. You have some time to think it through. It is difficult to set aside many emotions and make a choice. It is also difficult for others to advise you because of the nature and sensitivity of the circumstances. So at this point, you and the baby's father should decide together what to do and what is best for the baby. I know there must be thousands of parents out there hoping and praying for a bundle of miracle, yet letting go of your own bundle does not seem easy. Just make sure you get the approval if the father at least if adoption is the route you wish to take. The repercussions could be awful otherwise. There was recently a story on something like this and it is awful and the whole world knows about it. To me, the fathers have just as much right to say as the mother. I know laws lean here and there but when we put ourselves in the other's shoes, we would like that right too.
    Last edited by myyams; 12-28-2012 at 02:53 AM.
    Minx_Kristi likes this.
    Aisha

+ Reply to Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
v -->

About Us | Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Terms & Conditions