(rant) Am I a horrible person?

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BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106
(rant) Am I a horrible person?

I have wanted to have a baby for 5 years. DH was holding back on the topic until recently. We've had a few moments when we thought we were ready in our relationship but something always got in the way... mostly all the problems my undiagnosed bipolar disorder caused as well as coping with his Arnold Chiari condition. I got diagnosed and started taking medication and we finally landed on the same page and were looking at TTCing in March-ish.

But now it looks like DH might have brain surgery this year. I know that health is super-important and DH (potentially) being healthy enough to really participate in our kid's life will be a wonderful thing. And I don't think I will cope being pregnant (or having a little baby) and helping DH recuperate from the surgery.

But there is still a part of me that is very very sad that it won't happen this year now Sad Am I a totally utterly horrible person for being upset that this will put TTCing on hold???

combatcutie's picture
Joined: 04/04/07
Posts: 2134

Roxi, no you are not a horrible person. It is a natural thing to be upset. You have been going through a lot and finally got on the same page with DH, only to be thrown a curve ball. Everything will work itself out and once you both are healthy, it will happen for you. Good luck to you and DH on the upcoming surgery.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Thanks! It helps to have some emotional support. Things have been really hard the last 3 years, starting with leaving our friends and families to move to the US and then getting the diagnosis for DH and then for me....

Some times feels like I'm all alone and that I won't cope Sad

Somehow we always make it through these hard time tho.

MissyJ's picture
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3218


We're glad to have you join us! Support is such a gift -- no matter what you are facing. I have some dear friends that I know keep us in their thoughts and prayers even when we cannot talk. I cannot tell you how much that helps strengthen me for challenges faced and how much more special it is to enjoy celebrations with them!

Congratulations on receiving your diagnosis! I'm sure that must have been such a struggle for you before. I had a neighbor years ago that suffered with a bipolar disorder and how much different (better!) things were for them and their family after they found the medication regime that worked. As for your dh, I admit to not knowing much about his condition, but imagine again getting answers at least offered some relief. What type of recovery period is involved? Please do let us know how the surgery goes if you're able.

Regarding the TTC wait... I am sorry and certainly believe that it is understandable to feel disappointed! I do think you are doing your best to *prepare* for your family now by focusing on your health. For now, continue to make the most of settling into your new home, establishing friends by joining in activities/hobbies that interest you, and making those connections that will help you during both the wait and the challenges that lie ahead. Do you mind sharing what brought you to the U.S.? Where did you move from?

Wherever your path takes you know we wish you only the best!

~Missy (missyj@pregnancy.org)

AnnaRO's picture
Joined: 07/06/08
Posts: 7033

Roxi, I'm so sorry to hear that you have faced so many bumps in the road to TTC. It's great that your conditions have both been diagnosed since that means you know what you are dealing with and can work on getting those treated. On the TTC issue, you should never feel guilty for having feelings. TTC is an emotional process all by itself and I, for one, can understand completely how much that can mean to you. You have every right to feel disappointed about having to wait again and I would say you have the right to be completely devastated and heartbroken, as I am sure that I would be. I hope that your DH has a successful surgery and an easy recovery and that both of you are in top health soon so that you can TTC.

I'm happy to see you here and I hope that you will continue to post and share your journey with us. I would love to know how the surgery goes and how the TTC goes when you start.


BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Hi Missy

Thank you for all those wonderful words!

DH & I are both originally from South Africa. He was working for a software start-up that was based in New York while we were living in South Africa. The company then got enough venture capital to bring us over here. It was a huge move for me because I had never been to the US before but I wasn't about to let him go without me Wink

I absolutely LOOOOOOVE New York City!! Unfortunately our current visas don't allow us to stay longer than 7 years which keeps our living situation a little unsettled. But we're working on other visas which will allow us to eventually convert it to a green card. The paper work is now with immigration so hold thumbs that it comes through approved!

Arnold Chiari malformation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arnold%E2%80%93Chiari_malformation) is a condition which involves the brain stem being squashed out of the foramen magnum. A lot of people have it but never know because they don't develop symptoms. DH developed his symptoms in 2008 and for 2 years we had no idea what caused his problems. He has been for about 6 MRI's, CT scans, lumbar punctures and a million tests. We found out in 2010 what it really was and while it is good to have a name for his condition (after numerous neurologists told him it was all in his head [no pun intended :P]) it is still rather bleak because the only near-cure is brain surgery. I actually saw another member (I can't remember her name) whose little boy has Chiari.

The surgery is very intense and highly invasive, obviously, it's brain surgery. The recovery period is so major: as far as I understand for the first 3 months he's pretty much going to be bed-ridden, then he still won't be able to go out to work for another 3-6 months. Some people take as much as 2 years to fully recover Sad Luckily he is a software developer so he can work from home if his company will allow. Not having any family in NYC means that I will have to take care of him entirely on my own.

Sorry for the pity party. My mind won't stop thinking of all the what-if's regarding post-surgery life. BUT it's not decided that he WILL have the surgery yet - he's seeing his neuro next week and that's when he'll discuss it as an option. His symptoms have been worse since we got back to NYC after our visit back home in November.

So.... we just have to wait and see and deal with it then.

But it does feel nice to know I have people to talk to here. I feel so bad always laying this on my gf's in South Africa. They must be so tired of hearing my gripes.

Again, sorry for the pity party... and sorry that this turned into an essay.

Thanks so much for listening Biggrin :bigarmhug:


Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

Of course you're not a horrible person for wanting a baby. I can totally understand your wanting to wait and put things on hold until you get through this stage with your DH. I know you're sad about it, but you're making a good decision, IMO. I just had my baby, and having to go through something like that while being pregnant would just be too much. Pregnancy is a very emotional time for you and I think you would be piling emotions on top of emotions putting yourself through that. I pray that your DH comes out of everything OK and gets back on his feet soon so that you guys can start your journey of TTC!

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Thanks Krystal Smile I am so glad to find all you great ladies who can relate and empathise.

BokkieNYC's picture
Joined: 08/15/11
Posts: 1106

Just an update on DH: he went to the neurologist on Thursday and the neuro said that DH is definitely a candidate for the surgery but it is up to DH to decide. For now the decision has been put on hold because we're currently in the middle of trying to find a new apartment for March.

Will keep you posted Smile