OT--confused

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kristimcw's picture
Joined: 08/03/07
Posts: 1914
OT--confused

so here it is the day before Thanksgiving and I am very confused.......

BIL never called DH to tell him his son was born. We found out thru FB that we have a nephew and SIL apologized.........so DH has been trying to call BIL (which is his brother) for six days......finally got him to call back last night.....we found out there is a list of people to see the baby besides the parents.....he is in NICU...FIL, MIL, her sister, DH's sister, and FIL SO. in BIL convo last night he told DH that it was parents and grandparents only, but if her sister and their sister have gotten in how come DH cant get on the list? And DH is so worried about what his brother is doing for thanksgiving and was told that SIL is not really feeling well after her c sec and we got the idea that they didnt want us to go visit them.

Fast forward to today at 1....FIL calls and says that he and his SO and then MIL are taking stuff to BIL house about 1 tomorrow to have turkey day together with them.......

Good grief people what in the world do I do....

Then I get a text from MIL saying she thought we were going to FIL for Thanksgiving in which we never knew since DH never knew when he was coming home for the other ranch......

So can yall see why in the world I am so confused......wth?

chefkel's picture
Joined: 08/06/07
Posts: 2190

hmmm ok well to me sounds like there is a mass miscommunication going on.. rather than beating around the bush maybe just ask? "Hey so yeah I totally get it if you don't want more visitors just let me know but we wanted to come see you and the baby and be there for you, we love you and want to help our in any way"

the call back... well.. things are hairy and they are dealing with a NICU.. you can't take cells in the NICU and I am betting calling back EVERYONE they know who called is time consuming and draining. No exuse Dh is his brother but still likely not the top of the list for them.. baby, mom, and sleep are priorty.

E was in the NICU for 11 days and I got more calls in those days than I ever have EVER.. thank god for unlimited calls nationwide I had friends who NEVER call, call and I was overwhelmed with call backs and each one took time to explain. Not the same situation but I imagine it's close.

HUGS girl..

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am confused just reading this!

It all seems like they are going out of their way to not include you...but I bet that's not really true. Time to phone and say, where do we need to be and what time, and what should we bring.

I have confusing in-laws who don't like to plan ahead - I understand why it would drive you batty.

toothy35's picture
Joined: 02/20/06
Posts: 4578

i say......stay home, cook a nice meal and enjoy all 5 of you guys together.........

kristimcw's picture
Joined: 08/03/07
Posts: 1914

"MaxiMamma" wrote:

I am confused just reading this!

It all seems like they are going out of their way to not include you...but I bet that's not really true. Time to phone and say, where do we need to be and what time, and what should we bring.

I have confusing in-laws who don't like to plan ahead - I understand why it would drive you batty.

OMG this is what I told DH. He says they arent doing it on purpose, but DH is the only one in the family that is not being called......WTF?

BIL was in our room to meet all three of our children like the day after they were born and so I dont get why BIL would not want DH to come meet his nephew......It is very hurtful and confusing the way they are treating DH........

DH called FIL but when I called Zack answered so I still have no idea. Got a text for MIL to call me.....there is not a big enough smack in the forehead blinkie.

Kelly, thank you for the insight.....all my kids thankfully were born healthy so I have never dealt with NICU.

luangwa's picture
Joined: 06/29/07
Posts: 8898

Have you thought about the possibility that just maybe your DH's parents have taken it upon themselves to invite themselves over? And just maybe your BIL didn't want anyone over to begin with but didn't know how to tell the parents this? And so avoiding making plans with them put the parents in the position to 'just figure' something out and do it. In which case they all decided to bring their own turkey dinner to BILs house?

IMHO, if I had a brand new preemie in the NICU, the LAST thing that would be on my list is a house full of people to eat turkey with. And I can totally see me in the NICU with said preemie telling my DH to tell his family to stick it up their rear and figure out something else this year. Upon which, DH would not have the heart to tell his family 'No thanks, we don't want/need/desire a houseful of people.' Upon which they would think they were doing something wonderful by showing up with the whole menu because no one politely has told them otherwise. It sounds to me that the only person your BIL feels comfortable telling the truth to is your husband.

Of course I could be totally wrong on all this, it's just that this is exactly what would be happening here if I was in your BIL and SIL position right now.

kristimcw's picture
Joined: 08/03/07
Posts: 1914

see I love you guys.....those that get the left out feelings and those that put logic instead of hurt feelings and spell it all out right there for ya.

I never really had normal time after my kids being born.....a week after Zack was born I was at my grandmas funeral.....DH wouldnt let me go to gravesides, but I was exhausted, but to this day I wish I would have made the effort.

Then Wyatts was 3 weeks old and we went to vacation to colorado (I had downtime and extra help) and his grandmother was sick and it was important to us that she meet the baby before ya know...

Then my dad was dying right after Cheyenne was born.

luangwa's picture
Joined: 06/29/07
Posts: 8898

Kristi, I totally get the left out feelings, your BIL and SIL have given almost no info to you. If I found about the birth of a niece or nephew the way you did, I would totally be hurt by it. BUT, I'd probably be more peeved at the rest of my family who failed to pick up a phone and call more so than the parents who are probably clinging to their sanity by a thread. Especially considering the vast emotions one has got to go through with a preemie in the NICU. I just know if this was me, (your SIL) turkey and eating it with who and where would not be my concern.

kristimcw's picture
Joined: 08/03/07
Posts: 1914

"luangwa" wrote:

Kristi, I totally get the left out feelings, your BIL and SIL have given almost no info to you. If I found about the birth of a niece or nephew the way you did, I would totally be hurt by it. BUT, I'd probably be more peeved at the rest of my family who failed to pick up a phone and call more so than the parents who are probably clinging to their sanity by a thread. Especially considering the vast emotions one has got to go through with a preemie in the NICU. I just know if this was me, (your SIL) turkey and eating it with who and where would not be my concern.

well MIL did text after the SIL posted on FB....LOL :rolleyes:

I dont really know what their thinking is......they dont call us. like almost ever. You would think we would get used to it.

Jumarse's picture
Joined: 02/27/07
Posts: 5219

I agree with what's already been said, I really don't think they are purposefully leaving you out. If I had just given birth to a preemie, I'd not even think twice about making sure family was set for Thanksgiving, way more important things to think about, KWIM? And I do bet the family just invited themselves and BIL just didn't tell them no. Phone calls, don't even worry about it....like Kelly said the tons of calls they are getting, it has to be SO draining, brother or not. I like colleens suggestion of just stay at home with your own little family and enjoy the day!!

Joined: 06/29/08
Posts: 1096

I agree with everything said. The only thing I would add - this is their first kid, right? If there are other kids involved then that would change things, I think. I agree with Colleen, stay home with your little family, UNLESS there are other kids then maybe try to get together with them somehow. To try to make life a little more normal.