...please bare with me. It's extremely long because I need to explain how things went on and I would like neutral/outside parties to answer with their honest opinion...
My sister (K) and her husband (C) married in 2008. Last year we (my family and I) noticed how "fake" their marriage seemed and wondered if they were getting a divorce (they began calling each other "honey" and "darling" a lot and began posting weird things on FB). She was real buddy buddy with her husband's best friend (J)...she and his kids began having play dates at least twice a week while C was at work. My mom warned her that she needed to watch it because J and his wife (M) were having a lot of problems and she felt K was getting in the middle of it, esp when J began complementing her in front of M and comparing the two. J and M ended up separating at the end of summer (Aug or Sept). Not too soon after Christmas K and C separated and K filed for divorce two weeks later.
Immediately we suspected J had something to do with it. K insisted he did not, but he was always calling and texting her at all hours of the night and he began going to their house at least 3 times a week as soon as C moved out. She kept insisting they were just friends even though it was obvious they weren't. But I wanted to believe her deep down. She said they were just friends and he was even dating someone else.
A few months ago she finally came out and admitted that she and J were an item. Since the separation J has been with K at the house and anywhere else possible. She went to lunch with just people from work and since there were guys there, he had to go. When she did a "girls night out" he had to go! It's as though he's claiming his territory (although that was when they were "just friends")
My mom has repeatedly said she does not want him at their house since she is not legally divorced yet. She has only been separated not even 11 months. She bad mouths C all the time and tries to make J look like a great guy. From what everyone sees (and she denies) is that they broke up their marriages to be together and were having at least an emotional relationship while both were still married.
So it's Christmas time and I drove 22 hours (1500 miles) to be here for Christmas. The day we got here K said she was bringing her girls over to play with mine (her girls are 3 and almost 2). TWO HOURS later she finally texted my mom asking if she could bring J too and when my mom didn't respond (after numerous times of saying she does not want him here) she got mad and told me she won't be coming over and I could bring my kids to her apartment but that J will be there, as he's there all the time.
I tried staying out of it, but then my sister told my mom that she will not be allowed to see the kids. She has done this numerous times, saying that since my mom doesn't approve of her and J's relationship that she cannot be in the girls' lives. After that and then her texting me to come see the girls at her place and her saying J would be there I had to voice my opinion.
I told her I felt the girls (mine and hers) deserved time away from J and that I don't want to go over there if he is there. My reasoning for this is because my oldest doesn't understand divorce. She still considers K's soon to be ex as "uncle C" and she has been real sensitive about things like this and upsetting her over the holidays doesn't seem right and I feel I shouldn't have to explain who J is to her at this time. Not only that but I have heard from numerous family members that whenever J and K are together they are all over each other, including in front of the girls. My DH and I don't want our kids around that either. IMO they are acting like they're in high school.
I got into it with her tonight because she was told how everyone felt about the situation and she said since we are being jerks about her and J that she will be cutting us out of her life because she doesn't need our negativity in her life and we twist everything around for "dirty, juicy gossip" and even said we must not like J because he is a different race! She doesn't see a problem with her being with him ALL the time and all I told her was we were asking for TWO HOURS of just her and the girls to spend Christmas together. She said that either J comes to Christmas eve dinner and Christmas day present opening or she and her kids will not be participating with us.
I told her this was not fair to the girls and she was putting her happiness above theirs and I felt she was punishing them all because my parents don't want her new bf at their house. I never said she didn't deserve to be happy after the bad relationship with C, but she at times seems to neglect the kids so she can spend time with J. She drops them at my mom's all the time to "do chores" but then nothing is ever done.
She has said numerous times she's done with all of us, yet keeps asking for me to bring my kids over to her apartment. I told her I would if it was just us girls and I would leave DH at my mom's where he can relax. She was appalled that I didn't want to spend every waking second with DH. She has said she wants to spend every second with J.
I have told her I want to see her and her kids and that we love the 3 of them a lot. She has accused everyone that no one cares for her or to have a relationship with her. She also has said that we are trying to destroy her relationship with J because we asked for just a few hours of her without him attached to her hip.
It's really upsetting to me that we drove all this way and I don't get to see my nieces and that my kids don't get to see their cousins. She only sees it as if I don't go to where they are with J that it's my fault. Am I being selfish by not going to her house where her "new" bf is? Do you think I should suck it up and go or that I should stand my ground and not go?
Her soon to be ex will get the girls a day or two before I leave and I can ask him to see the girls at that time and I know he would let me (mostly because he can use that against her in court). Both sets of girls have constantly been asking when they get to see each other and are really upset they haven't gotten to yet.
That's not even all of it, but it's so long and draining that I can't even bring myself to type it all up and have everyone go "Wow, this is a novel!" lol.
Oh also she hasn't always been like this. It seems as though when she was pregnant with her 2nd one this side of her began coming out 2 months before her 2nd was born. She was real nasty to me and DD1 all the time and then to my mom and even got mad that DH (only DF at the time) was at Christmas eve dinner and that my gparents talked to him! But since that pregnancy, which it's been just over 2 years since it all started, she has gotten worse and worse. My mom and I have wondered if it could be a sort of depression that was triggered from the pregnancy.
She is also very convinced this means we are trying to control her just because it was voiced that my parents don't want him here while she is still legally married. She has also said she is doing all this and not him. But this is also the 3rd Christmas in a row where she has attacked my mom about things, but the previous years it was about how my mom favored DD1 over her kids and then about money and how my mom only cares about me and DD1 (nothing about DH or DD2 though).
Again, sorry for the long post, I just wanted others' opinions. I'm just so upset about all this because I love my nieces and my sister, but I don't agree with how she got together with J and with it being the holidays and the fact I'm only here a little amount of time upsets me even more...although DH was proud when I let my pregnancy hormones come out lol!