Another vent... :(

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Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 07/26/04
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Another vent... :(

So I've been having a bad week I guess.

Update: DD has been really good the past few days. Praying it stays that way.

As most of you may know already know my mom passed away. It will be 3 years in late Jan. My mom was young, she was in her mid 50's, so my dad is still young. He is 57. Now as much as it hurts I completely understand that he has to redo is life and find a woman. I'm not against it.

However, he has been paired up with a woman by my uncle and aunt and she lives in FL (we live in NJ). THey have been "seeing" each other (mostly phone) for several months now. I've never met her, but I have heard stories because my other aunt has and she didn't like her at all. My dad has decided to retire (it's offical already) and move to FL. Sad He calls me last night and says "hey I bought a house today!" and I really couldn't hide my feelings I guess. I wasn't rude but I know I didn't sound happy. He's moving in with this lady he barely knows. I don't know what their intentions are, if they will get married. He has never introduced her to us and he is making such a huge decision without even asking us. I must admit, the thought of someone replacing my mom messes me up emotionally because my father treated my mother soooo bad for almost 30 years, put her thru hell, and now he's with this mystery woman and is treating her so good. I hate it! It drives me friekin' mad!! Believe me I have left out a lot but this will be the longet post in history if I continue...

My question is, are we being wrong as his kids to think that what he is doing is wrong and that he should have properly introduced this woman to us before he did this. He is moving to another state, leaving his kids and grandkids to be with this woman and expects us to just be happy. I'm sorry I just cant do it. He comes home today and I just really don't feel like talking to him. I may not even answer my phone.

eliann's picture
Last seen: 10 months 3 weeks ago
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2441

Oh wow Mari, that is tough. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Yeah I think he's acting irrationally. He's made a lot of serious life changes and decisions in a short amount of time. I sure hope he doesn't regret them. Maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis.

I would talk to him about everything you mentioned here. Make sure he knows that he won't get to see you and his grandkids if he moves. Can he afford to buy a new house while in retirement? I would be concerned how he is going to pay for his new life. Especially if he plans on travelling back and forth to see his family. I would request to meet his new lady friend too, even if the idea hurts you. Maybe he didn't want to introduce you to her because he is afraid that it will be inconsiderate to your feelings. But you should meet her. Because, she could be great, or she could be a total mess and someone should advise him to stay away.

I don't know, that's a lot to handle. I hope that you both can talk and understand where he is coming from.

Hugs Marisol!

Last seen: 2 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

My friend just had the same thing happen, except on a quicker scale. Her mom passed away in April of 2011. In October, her dad decided to to start dating and met these women online. In December he got married. He met her three weeks before they got married. His life has completely turned upside down now and he acts like he's happy but he's sooooo different. His kids don't speak to him anymore because they feel like they were shunned - and continue to be shunned. It's not a happy ending here... but I hope your dad does different. I'm sorry you're going through this. ((HUGS)))

crazy j's picture
Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 10/08/07
Posts: 1162

Oh wow, that's a lot of stress for you. I don't blame you one bit for any of your feelings there. I think I'd be a mess about it too. Unfortunately, I don't think anything you can say or do will change his mind or help the situation. Some times people have to make their own mistakes for themselves. I'm so sorry, this stinks!

Alissa_Sal's picture
Last seen: 2 years 7 months ago
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427


I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mom. I'm sure even after 3 years you miss her all of the time, and having your dad get so serious about someone else probably stirs up a lot of those feelings.

I agree with Elizabeth; it's possible that he hasn't introduced you to his new ladyfriend because he's worried about your feelings. I think that it might be helpful if you ask to meet her, although I wouldn't do so until you are emotionally ready to give her an honest shot. What I mean is, if you go into it prepared to dislike her, then you probably won't like her. We all have our little flaws and eccentricies, and you'll be a lot more likely to pick hers apart if you're already in the state of mind that you probably won't like her.

I'm sorry to hear that your dad treated your mom poorly. (((HUGS))) That must have been really really hard on you. (((HUGS))) No matter how he treated your mom though, that is not this woman's fault or doing, so try not to hold it against her that he treats her well (so far - my experience is that people usually start out treating each other fairly well while the relationship is new, but that may start to slip away more and more the longer they are together.)

I agree with Joan that there is probably not a lot that you can say to change his mind about moving. At the end of the day, he has to live his own life. When you're ready to talk about it, maybe you can work with him to set up some sort of plan to make sure that he gets to see/talk to his grandkids (like, calls every Sunday, and you take turns visiting each other every year, things like that.)

I am sorry that you are feeling stressed out, and I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you feel. It's a lot of change, and it sounds like either your dad hasn't given it a lot of thought, or else he hasn't shared those thoughts with you previously. That, on top of missing your mom and also having some leftover negative feelings about how your dad treated your mom, and it's a perfect prescription for feeling very conflicted and upset. I hope that you are able to talk things through with your dad and get to a place where you feel a lot better about it.

Feel free to vent to us any time. (((hugs)))