Bonding with baby

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Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937
Bonding with baby

So, okay, I've asked about this before and got lots of positive "you'll be fine" responses. But, the closer I get to giving birth, I'm still in denial about having a baby girl coming. I have all this stuff. I feel her all the time. I want to look forward to her coming, but I feel like I haven't bonded or anything with her because I can't let myself get optimistic about it.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or for you BTDT moms, did you feel this way with LO #1?

Joined: 03/19/05
Posts: 338

That's tough! I know I was super scared early on with Sam, since I had had a loss near the end of the first tri. I think once I made it past that point I was fine. I don't remember any issues later on. I can say that once I had him in my arms for a few minutes, I was in total LOVE. I wish we all could experience beautiful pregnancies with no worries. Innocence in bliss! Once I experienced that first loss, my view on pregnancy completely changed.

I am in such a weird place this pregnancy, which is annoying! I just can't believe this will result in a healthy baby that I take home. I have done little to prepare for birth or bringing him home. Once he is born and healthy, I am not worried about bonding (thankfully!).

I believe most women bond instantly with their new babies, no matter what happened during pregnancy. There is no reason to think this will not happen with you. HUGS!

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2438

I totally agree with Cristan, I think its normal and when she is here, she will be your world. I wouldn't worry about it. I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like I really bond with him...mostly when I practice yoga/meditation/birth classes and before bed. Sometimes I get myself freaked about how I'm going to be as a mom. I feel like I just don't know enough about babies...and there is no time to learn. I also get scared about finances. Sometimes I do worry about his health especially lately since we skipped genetic testing and all, but that's when I try to re-focus and do some meditation. Power of positive thinking right?

AimeeS1911's picture
Joined: 02/01/12
Posts: 636

I think it is totally normal.. My friend is an amazing mom but during pregnancy she never bonded and jokingly called the babies parasites feeding off her. She is a science person ... Never named them before or anything but once they arrived she was totally an amazing mom

Cortney6983's picture
Joined: 02/17/13
Posts: 18

I feel weird as well being scared I think is my issue.. Scared of the unknowns, the crying ( witching hour) little sleep not knowing what this little human needs beforehand and she will have no manual, I held my friends 3 week old and it was weird! I had no idea what to do or not to do , I am also worried if I have a hard time my family will be not the nicest about it since I am only 22 they think I should be a bit older lol I know I will love her like crazy! Just not sure about what's to come

crazy j's picture
Joined: 10/08/07
Posts: 1162

To be perfectly honest, I had a really hard time with DS. I had no experience with babies before, had no idea what to expect, and my whole pregnancy felt like an out of body experience. I hate saying this, but when they handed me my baby the first time, it was like someone gave me a stranger's baby.

For most women, it comes naturally and as soon as you lay eyes on your baby for the first time, you're in love. It's important to note though, that for some women, they struggle. Most likely, you'll be fine and be head over heels, but know that if you have a hard time, there's LOTS of support out there and plenty of other women dealing with the same thing.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Yeah, I agree with Joan, and I also wanted to share my story that while I loved T from the moment I laid eyes on him, I wasn't totally *in* love with him from the second I saw him, at least not him as a real person. Like, I loved him because he was my baby, but he was still kind of a stranger to me - I didn't know his personality yet. I think that true bonding (for me, anyway) takes time, and touch, and learning about each other. As I got to know my baby, and learned his personality, that's when I truly truly fell in love with him as a real person - and I just don't think that you can do that while they are still in the womb. Or anyway, I can't. Now, of course I love my T because he's my son, but it's not just because he's my son, like any random child could take his place as long as they were mine. I love his sense of humor, and his sweetness, and the way that he is alllll boy all the time (fart jokes are HILARIOUS to him) and the way that he actually cares about eating healthy foods and getting exercise to help him grow, and all of the little things that are special to just him. That process started when he was a baby, after he was born and home with me, and it didn't happen the very second that I laid eyes on him because I didn't know him yet. Now I do. Probably you will love your Julie from the moment you see her, but don't worry if you still feel like you're being a handed a stranger. Because in many ways, you are! You won't totally know her as a unique person yet. But trust me, that comes.

One thing that we did to promote bonding with T when he was a newborn (because actually, newborns don't have a ton of personality yet either - they sleep too much and don't tell many jokes, lol) is the touch peice. I don't know if you've ever read about "kangaroo care" but basically it's just taking off your shirt and your baby's shirt and holding them skin to skin (under a blanket to keep you both cozy warm.) It's supposed to be really good for building the breastfeeding relationship too, which is the main reason why I did it, but in retrospect that is such a cozy way to spend an hour; under a blanket cuddling your sweet sleeping newborn skin to skin. So that is something that I recommend in the bonding department. Other than that, I bet you won't need to do anything special. Just the act of taking care of your little sweetheart and learning all about her and seeing her learn about the world will be enough. Smile

tori729's picture
Joined: 07/23/07
Posts: 1743

Yep, it's just something that comes when you actually get to see your baby for the first time... and if it doesn't come then, it will, in time. Think about your DH and how much harder it is for him - he doesn't have that baby growing inside of him, doesn't feel the changes that go on, doesn't feel her moving inside of you. But he will bond with baby just as much as you will when she is born. So don't feel bad.
I don't really feel bonded with this baby yet; I don't feel like I *know* him/her very well at all. But I know that once this baby is born, I will be in love!

lmiller626's picture
Joined: 07/18/10
Posts: 206

I feel the same way... I thought I was alone. It doesnt seem real, even though I've feel him move all the time and we have things for him and everything. I'm terrified I wont bond with him when he's born b/c I dont feel bonded with him now. I think (hope) we'll be fine when our LO's get here. I dont mean this in a bad way but it makes me feel better that I'm not alone in these feelings.