I went with a friend today for her ultrasound. She's due the same day I am, but at her last ultrasound they couldn't find a baby. They saw the yolk sac and gestational sac, but ..couldn't quite make out a baby. She went back today to see if the baby had made an appearance. I went with her for support, but I knew as soon as the u/s popped up on the screen that there was no baby. There was a HUGE yolk sac but..no baby. Tech said the sac measured 6 weeks 1 day - she's supposed to be nine weeks today like me. I cried with her. God it was horrible. She already has three kids, she's never been through a miscarriage, but I have and I know how much it hurts and makes your heart ache. I felt so horrible for her - and I know she's probably hating on me, like why is my pregnancy working and hers didn't? I know I questioned the same things while I was losing the baby in my tube. Anyway - it was sad, but I'm glad I went. But, I kinda wanted to slap the tech because she was like.. "No heartbeat, sorry." Then she took some measurements, and told my friend to get dressed. I know they see that stuff all the time, but it just seemed so cold.
Lately at work, I've been getting crapped on. They fired another girl who does what I do in another store and instead of finding someone to take her place, they're sending me over there "temporarily" and letting someone else do MY store. I AM SO HEATED. I have to get up at 3 am to get to the other store in time and I'm exhausted. I TOLD them I didn't want to go and ..basically it was a if you don't go, expect your work to be hell kind of thing.
So, I've been entertaining some fantasies. I work full time but I don't make a whole lot of money. I've been tossing the idea around in my head of just dropping to part time and going on DH's insurance. He gets a killer raise every 6 months - my raise is 20 cents a year. Woohoo! 20 cents!! We are going to have to move out of the house we're in anyway - the whole plan was to live here for a year and then move in with his mom to save money.
I just think having a child is going to turn my world upside down (in a good way of course!) and while I do have an option of cheap childcare, it's way far away and we'd have to drop off the kid extremely early and pick 'em up late and .. I dunno. I'm just confused. I think I'm ready to make a change in my life and that scares me, but I'm also excited about it. I've been with the same company for 12 years, I think I'm ready to move on to something better.
I DONT think I can be a SAHM. Unless we seriously did move in with his mom and she didn't charge us to live there (not happening). I just... I'm already thinking of how many hours a day I'm going to miss my child growing up and it saddens me.
Everything saddens me lately.. I saw some Vienna Fingers (cookies) on the shelf and busted into tears because my doggie (whom has passed) used to LOVE those cookies.
Sorry this is so long.