Heartbreak and Work...(part rant)

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Heartbreak and Work...(part rant)

I went with a friend today for her ultrasound. She's due the same day I am, but at her last ultrasound they couldn't find a baby. They saw the yolk sac and gestational sac, but ..couldn't quite make out a baby. She went back today to see if the baby had made an appearance. I went with her for support, but I knew as soon as the u/s popped up on the screen that there was no baby. There was a HUGE yolk sac but..no baby. Tech said the sac measured 6 weeks 1 day - she's supposed to be nine weeks today like me. I cried with her. God it was horrible. She already has three kids, she's never been through a miscarriage, but I have and I know how much it hurts and makes your heart ache. I felt so horrible for her - and I know she's probably hating on me, like why is my pregnancy working and hers didn't? I know I questioned the same things while I was losing the baby in my tube. Anyway - it was sad, but I'm glad I went. But, I kinda wanted to slap the tech because she was like.. "No heartbeat, sorry." Then she took some measurements, and told my friend to get dressed. I know they see that stuff all the time, but it just seemed so cold.

Lately at work, I've been getting crapped on. They fired another girl who does what I do in another store and instead of finding someone to take her place, they're sending me over there "temporarily" and letting someone else do MY store. I AM SO HEATED. I have to get up at 3 am to get to the other store in time and I'm exhausted. I TOLD them I didn't want to go and ..basically it was a if you don't go, expect your work to be hell kind of thing.
So, I've been entertaining some fantasies. I work full time but I don't make a whole lot of money. I've been tossing the idea around in my head of just dropping to part time and going on DH's insurance. He gets a killer raise every 6 months - my raise is 20 cents a year. Woohoo! 20 cents!! We are going to have to move out of the house we're in anyway - the whole plan was to live here for a year and then move in with his mom to save money.

I just think having a child is going to turn my world upside down (in a good way of course!) and while I do have an option of cheap childcare, it's way far away and we'd have to drop off the kid extremely early and pick 'em up late and .. I dunno. I'm just confused. I think I'm ready to make a change in my life and that scares me, but I'm also excited about it. I've been with the same company for 12 years, I think I'm ready to move on to something better.

I DONT think I can be a SAHM. Unless we seriously did move in with his mom and she didn't charge us to live there (not happening). I just... I'm already thinking of how many hours a day I'm going to miss my child growing up and it saddens me.

Everything saddens me lately.. I saw some Vienna Fingers (cookies) on the shelf and busted into tears because my doggie (whom has passed) used to LOVE those cookies.
Sorry this is so long.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

First of all, so sorry for your friend. (((hugs))) Is is absolutely heartbreaking to find out that a much wanted pregnancy is not viable. I hope that she is doing okay.

I'm super emotional right now too. Just about anything can send me into tears. Because of that, I think it's great to start planning for the future, but maybe hold off on making any permanent decisions just yet. I remember feeling that way off and on when I was pregnant with T, like I needed to rearrange my whole life to make a baby fit...but in the end small changes worked and were less intimidating. I'm not saying don't quit your job, only you know if that is the right decision. Just don't make it based totally off the way you feel right now, because that may pass.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better today.


Last seen: 1 year 9 months ago
Joined: 07/26/04
Posts: 1595

I think we are all preparing for certain kinds of decisions for when the baby gets here, so we all understand. Staying at home isn't an option for us either, although it would be great. I agree with Alissa small changes work best right now but you have to do what is right for you and only you know how you really feel. Being in a job where stress is too much is not a good thing either.