I've been really struggling with this lately...

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Last seen: 2 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/02/11
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I've been really struggling with this lately...

So..I hope I don't get judged for this, but.. I guess I just need some advice.

My mom and MIL are totally excited for me to be having a girl. DH's cousin JUST had a girl, but he lives outside of Chicago, so..it's not like she's here for MIL to dote on. I love picking out pink everything, because only within the last few years have I hit my girly streak - I was always a tomboy growing up. DH said he just wanted a healthy baby, he never ever said what he wanted.

I was floored when I saw we were having a girl and I know we're making a lot of people happy, but.. I can't but feel maybe I wanted a boy. I guess .. I see how DH is with the hunting and fishing and working on cars and he's a very manly man and even though I know it's HIS sperm that makes up the gender, I feel bad that we aren't having a son. I mentioned something to him last night and he said that we will have another child and maybe that one will be a son, but if it's not he'll be happy with having two girls. He always says the right things, he's NEVER made me think he's unhappy with a girl. So that's why I think maybe I wanted a boy..maybe these are my feelings - instead of feeling them for DH. Except that when I think about it, I don't really care what gender I have. Or maybe I'd just feel more comfortable with a boy because I've been around boys my entire life.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this..

AimeeS1911's picture
Last seen: 2 years 12 months ago
Joined: 02/01/12
Posts: 636

With my first I was dead set that I wanted a boy. I am also very athletic and a Tom boy and thought it would be best and easier. Also for a selfish reason... DHs dads traits are very non attractive with girls. My SIL is so not attractive and his cousin either and I was freaked out. Now that I have her and we are having the second girl we are soooo happy. Dh loves that she is a daddy's girl and knows she can still do boy things. I fished with my dad and he taught me how to change my own oil and stuff. It all works in the end

ILoveMyMiniMe's picture
Last seen: 3 years 4 months ago
Joined: 12/11/03
Posts: 2333

:comfort: Your feelings are VERY much what I felt with my first pregnancy - same reasons and all - but it was the opposite way.. I got a scan at my mom's work (she worked LDR at the time) and the Dr scanned me and said I was having a boy. I cried all the way home. I was raised by a single mother.. my father wasn't around.. my brother went to live with him when I was 8 so I didn't get to know him either. I never had any successful relationships and DD's father was never around. I honestly didn't know a THING about boys.. and I was going to have one?? (All in reference to your knowing boys having grow up tom boy-ish story lol) I just wanted what I wanted and that was a girl.. I didn't want a boy!!

It was another 5 weeks before I had my profile scan at which time I was told that I was in fact having a girl. My jaw hit the floor.. but by that time I had come to a peace with my "son" and what was being put into my hands.. a life.

It's OK to feel one way about your baby.. whether it's the gender your heart was set on or not. It's OK, mama! No one will judge you.. no one is going to make you feel bad for having your heart on one thing (if that's the case) but having something else.. You want a child for your little family and that's all that matters, as you've said. (Never mind that I'd virtually b*tch slap anyone who tried to make you feel bad for being honest and seeking words of comfort Lol )

Like the PP said.. it does all work out in the end. Being your first it doesn't mean much since you haven't experienced that absolute love of a child that you call your own.. but you will!! The second you hear the cries.. hold her little body and realize that YOU did this.. YOU'RE 110% responsible for the health and well being of a brand new life, it will hit you how in love you are. It won't matter if she's wearing pink.. or came green.. She will be your CHILD and you will be SOOO in love!

Your DH is awesome.. He's supporting you like he should and loving that you're going through a journey for the joy and happiness of a FAMILY. That is all that matters, beautiful girl! :bigarmhug:

Alissa_Sal's picture
Last seen: 2 years 7 months ago
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I agree with all of the above. I don't mean to minimize your feelings, and I'm certainly not judging you for them, but I think that once you have baby girl in your arms, you'll be so blown away by her that it will be hard to remember that you ever wanted anything else.

I'm the opposite - I have always wanted a daughter. I'm super close with my mom, and I always pictured having that same "just us girls" relationship with a daughter of my own. When I was pregnant with T, I was CONVINCED from the moment that I saw the positive pregnancy test that I was getting my daughter. When the tech said "It's a boy" I seriously felt a sting in my heart, like "Oh NO! That was my daughter!!!!" But as time went on, and especially once he was here, I found myself so seriously in love with him, HIM as a person, not some random theoretical kid, that I literally would not trade him in for anyone else in the entire world. You could offer me the smartest, best behaved, richest (I don't know why a little kid would be rich, just go with me on this), nicest little girl in the whole world, and I wouldn't even have to think about trading with my T. He's mine, and I love him more than I could ever love anyone else who is not him.

With this one, I thought I had my daughter again. The tech at the 12 week scan even told me she was guessing girl, so I pretty much thought I had it in the bag. And, I felt the same (but smaller) sting when the tech at my 21 week scan said "It's a boy" that I felt with T. Smaller because now that I have one, I know without a doubt that whoever is in there kicking away at me, I will love him and want him beyond all reason, and it doesn't really matter one whit that he's a boy and not the daughter I wanted. I know that I will love him more than I could ever love anyone else who is not him.

But, some small part of me is a little sad because this is probably it for me. I'm 99.9999% sure that we'll stop at 2. So that's it; no daughters for me. That makes me a little sad, knowing I probably won't ever have one. But it's a small sadness when compared to the huge joy of just having my sweet son, and knowing how happy I will be to have another one.

I think my point is, whoever Julie is, you are going to love her with your whole heart, so don't worry too much about it. Smile

eliann's picture
Last seen: 10 months 3 weeks ago
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2441

Totally normal feelings. I think all of my friends have gone through this with all of their kiddos. I didn't care either way, but now that I know I'm having a boy, a part of me is sad that its not a girl. DH and I aren't sure if we will have more kiddos, and I always pictured having one of each. So I guess I would have been a bit sad either way.

Your DH is awesome, ready to take on 2 girls! Haha.

akpufa's picture
Last seen: 3 years 1 week ago
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 3078

I was a tomboy growing up and would have been thrilled to only have boys. So I felt very similar when my first ended up being a girl. I felt bad at times because I thought I wouldn't know what to "do" with her like how to dress her, do her hair, do girly stuff with her in general. Not that I'm like completely un-girly as an adult, I just was never one to play with little girls when I was younger and I didn't fantasize about dressing a little princess. And I'll be honest, I didn't have an immediate bond when she was born, I think it was all too surreal to me. But within the first week or so, I was hooked and now I can't imagine life without this little verrrrrry girly girl personality in my life. She is the most tenderhearted soul and cracks me up with how motherly she is to my DS. And as a toddler/preschooler, she has been so incredibly easy and obedient the majority of the time (especially in comparison to my hellion DS - whom I love dearly also FTR lol). You'll love having a little girl!! And believe it or not, if this baby turns out to be a girl, I'll be just as thrilled to have another!

Cherrychip's picture
Last seen: 2 years 8 months ago
Joined: 01/31/09
Posts: 1134

I think it is totally normal to feel the way you do. I also know that once the baby arrives, they replace whatever imagined child with who they really are. I love the way Alissa described it-once you have your child, you fall in love with them as a person. In my case, I did prefer a girl both times which is what we ended up with, but I know that if we had ended up with boys, any disappointment I would have felt (and yes I admit I would have felt some) would be long forgotten, once I had an actual baby in my arms. And it sounds like your DH is so supportive. Trust me, he will love his little girl-she will be his little princess and she will have him wrapped around her little finger!

Last seen: 3 years 2 weeks ago
Joined: 03/10/09
Posts: 546

I think what your feeling is normal. Hugs momma! It'll be ok, you will be ok, and your little girl will be ok. And kudos to your hubby for being so supportive.

I had similar feelings with our first. I was dead set at first that I wanted a girl and mainly because my DH's son lives with us full time and I was kind of under the impression that we could have a girl and be done, and we'd have one of each in the house. When the tech said at our 20 week ultrasound-Congrats, baby is a boy! I literally felt my heart drop. It took me a while to come around to knowing and accepting we were having a boy when I desperately wanted a girl. But that passed, and the day he was born-I was done in by how much I automatically loved my little man and that was it. I was over not getting a girl. I wouldn't trade my guy for anything in the world.

This time, I was certain because of DH having a boy already and then us having a boy together, that we were getting another boy. I had myself convinced baby was a boy and was completely at peace with that ..until the tech pointed out those three white lines and said looks like a girl. We walked out of there and I looked at my hubby and said....what the heck do we do with a girl?

So long story short, your normal momma and your feelings are too. Hang in there!

crazy j's picture
Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 10/08/07
Posts: 1162

You'd be suprised how many people struggle with this. A few years from now, you'll look back and won't believe you ever doubted that she was a perfect addition to your family.

nidia's picture
Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
Joined: 06/08/07
Posts: 1812

I wanted a girl with DS.. and only bc people always say "Aww, you need a girl." Etc. Why do people do such things? Lol.. I fell in love with him before knowing he was a boy.. and my love grew each day even after I found out. I was a little disappointed but I wouldn't trade it for the world. God knows what he's doing Smile

I just had a little sister last year and she has fulfilled EVERY desire of me having a girl someday. No matter what gender this baby is, I will love baby.. and it will grow and grow more each day. I know it will be the same for you. You will have an awesome relationship with her! If you have another and it's a girl, it will be the same.. just as strong as it will be with your little girl now. No matter the gender we always make connections with our baby since the day they are created some way or another.

I think people always want what they are most familiar with and it's ok.