I need some advice from you ladies. First of all this story is going to seem a little farfetched but let me assure you it's real! LOL! I have the scars to prove it. Bare with me- it might get long.
Anyway, I have a 20 year old daughter and an almost 2 year old son. When my son was being born, my daughter was there during delivery. Everything was going great, well great for labor. I was at an almost 10 so my doc was trying to help me along a little bit. Well, out popped little man's cord and we lost his heart rate. Doc could not push cord back in, we were at a small town hospital where there is no anesthesiologist on staff (he has to be called in) and so I had to have an emergency c-section in my labor room. No anesthetic, no sterile room. My daughter, her fiancee, my mom were all there but rushed out to the hall. My husband had to hold me down so the doc could cut me and get the baby out. As it was my little guy was without oxygen for 3 minutes inside me and then it took them 3 minutes to resuscitate him. He had been "dead" for 6 minutes. Luckily, I passed out from the pain after the doc got the baby out; I vaguely remember hearing him cry, hearing my mom cry, and hearing an awful scream that I later learned was coming from me. Baby Boy (Sj for Shane Junior) was life flighted to a NICU an hour and half away. I didn't get to see him for a week because my own recovery was touch and go- severe chance of infection which thank God I didn't get and my bladder had been cut so I had to learn how to deal with a catheter for 6 weeks! After a week I got to go stay with him at his hospital and then we got to go home together a week later. He's perfectly fine. He had a stage one brain bleed but it healed itself and he's just such a miracle!
Anyway my problem is this- after witnessing that my daughter has begged me not to have any more babies. She has even gone so far as to say that she will never talk to me again. She and her fiancee cried in my kitchen about 2 months ago telling me that I can't imagine what it was like for them. She never wants to have children now and is paranoid that I will die if I have any more.
Weeeeeellllllll?. Ta Da- I?m knocked up. I don't want to tell her until we see a heartbeat- I've had 5 miscarriages in the past so I'm a little leery anyway but my morning sickness has kicked in and I'm afraid when she comes to visit she's going to figure it out.
My question is this- Should I tell her now? Should I try and wait until heartbeat is seen? How should I tell her? Any advice on alleviating her fears? Honestly, no one in my family is excited about this baby. My husband's side seems to be, but my family- not so much. It makes it hard for me to get excited because everyone is so scared for me.
Thanks for listening! I am just up in the air on what to do!
Last edited by jenhawk; 08-22-2012 at 04:53 PM.
Wow, that's crazy scary! Sorry you had to go through all that! Is there any chance you could birth at a larger hospital that has more amenities? How far are you away from such a center? Do you have friends or family closer to a bigger hospital where you could stay in the last month or so before you deliver? Things like that might help set her at ease. Also, are you trying for a VBAC or are you going to go straight with a repeat c-section???
Luckily we have moved so I plan on being at a larger hospital this time. To be honest, I am petrified to give bith now and I think that the only way I can do it is to be out cold. If I heard the doctor say "Can you feel this", I will probably have a panic attack. (The doctor asked me that the first time he cut me with the scalpel- I think he was in shock too! LOL!)
I was going to go back to the country hospital- it's my husbands home town and where he was born- but my mom is pretty adament about wanting me in the big city. I think they are just as scared as me- and that's why I don't know how to tell my daughter.
I would wait to tell til the end of the first tri, so everything is established.
And WOW MAMA, I don't think I'd be brave enough to TTC again after that kind of experience! I'd be all about the elective c in that case.
Wow! I agree with Holly, you are one brave lady to be willing to try it again after everything you went through last time. I also agree that if it were me, I'd be all about a nice scheduled C section this time around.
As far as when to tell your daughter, I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you guys have. I have never been able to wait til the end of the first tri to tell my mom even though previous losses have made me cautious, because I knew that no matter what happened I would want and need her support. If you feel like you will tell your daughter even if you were to suffer a loss, then I think now is as good a time as any.
I'm sorry that no one is super happy about the baby yet, and you are afraid of how your daughter is going to react. I know that you know that they are just scared of losing you because they love you. But the very real truth is that it is your life and your body, and if you and your husband have decided on more, there isn't a whole lot that anyone else can say about it. No one else has to live your life but you, you know? Hopefully your daughter and the rest of your family will come around sooner rather than later. I think a great start is to have a plan in place that you can share with her about how you are going to manage the risks this time around, including having the baby in a larger hospital with better facilities, perhaps having a scheduled C section. She'll still be scared, but at least she will see that you are managing the risks as well as you can.
-Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)
Got an opinion? We've got a board! Come join us for some lively debate on the Face Off! Debate Arena board.
WOW! I agree with everyone else, I think maybe a bigger hospital with a plan in place will maybe alleviate some of your daughters fears. Like Alissa, I've had previous losses (however I do not have kids yet) and my mom is the first one I run to tell. Although I've had nothing but hurt and pain (more mental than physical) - I still need her around to talk too about everything. DH and I started telling everyone early this time...we figured last time we waited and then had to tell everyone we were pregnant AND I lost it. I would recommend not doing that to your daughter. Bring her in to your plans. Let her know what's going on. She may well be terrified, but atleast she's in the loop.
Wow, you had a c-section without anesthesia? Did I read that right? That right there is my worst nightmare. Holy cramoly.
I would tell your daughter asap, she will find out at some point, and you don't want to hide it for too long otherwise she might be more upset. It does sound like she genuinely loves and cares about you and that's the reason she doesn't want to see you go thru anything like that. I doubt she would stop talking to you, I think she might just be threatening you with that statement. I hope you find a way to tell her and she goes easy on you.
Well, welcome to the board. And I hope you have a HH9M!
I can't imagine going through an experience like that, I would be so traumatized so I understand why your daughter would be upset. I think you should tell her, especially since she is visiting. I think the chances are high that she will pick up on your m/s anyway so it will be better if you bring it up rather than her having to ask.
And yes you read it right- no anesthetic. There wasn't time. If the doc would have hesitated or if I would have said NO then my son would have died. I can't imagine my life without him.
My husband thinks I am the strongest lady in the world! LOL! Of course, I give him all the props- he's the one who held me down. I can't say that I could have done the same in his position. But luckily I got him to agree to a trip to Hawaii! LOL! That's my payment!
I think I am going to wait until my first appointment on 9-10 to tell her. They will do an ultrasound to verify all is well. I don't want to stress her out if there is nothing to be stressed out about. I am more scared to tell her than I am of childbirth and when I say I am petrfified of birth, I mean it! Im also hoping my new doctor- who doesn't know my story yet, will agree to do a csection under general anesthetic. I know that I am not mentally strong enough to be awake.
Well it's too late to not be pregnant (best wishes for a sticky baby!) so I'd just tell her after your plans have been solidified in regards to this birth. It depends on how your internal incision was, but you might not be able to do a VBAC. I think she'd been much more comfortable if she knew you were having a planned, scheduled ANESTHETIZED c-section, don't you think Even if you are a VBAC candidate, having a plan will help your daughter been less anxious.