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eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440
Parents

I am at my wits end with my MIL and a little bit with my dad and his girlfriend. I think I might have posted about this before, but my MIL is a crazy baby lady. She has repeatedly asked me if Henry can spend the night with her and I kept telling her not right now since he is nursing. The 4th time she asked, I sent her an email explaining to her how nursing works, supply/demand/pumping and whatnot. I think she finally got that point.

But she is still always trying to steal my baby and she tries to play it off like she is helping me but she isn't. Today we were there for lunch and I literally could not get one foot in the door before she took the baby out of my arms. Then while we ate she insisted on holding him, which was fine. He got fussy so I took him to change his diaper and started playing with him after. Well she walked up to me and said, I want to play with him, why don't you go eat. I said that I was finished eating, and I had been for 15 minutes. She had not eaten a bite, so I told her that she should eat. She said no, she wasn't hungry and that I should go talk with everyone while she plays. Fine, but weird.

Then he started screaming and I took him and put him down for a nap. He was almost asleep and she walked back there and said she wanted to rock him to sleep and I should go talk with everyone. I am trying to give her as much grandma time as possible so I did, but then instead of putting him to sleep she picked him back up and walked into the room saying he wasn't tired. So I told them we were leaving....he was so tired, he took a 2 hour nap when we got home.

She also always talks about how she wants to take him shopping alone. She bought her own stroller and a pack and play so she can do all this.

I just don't know why she has to be alone with him and I am not allowed to be there. When we were leaving she was holding him and trying to get things out of the cabinet and I offered to hold him and she just directed me to get things out of the cabinet for her. Agh.

And then yesterday we saw my dad and his girlfriend for his gf's bday. We get there and he says, "do you guys want to go somewhere and leave the baby with us." Im like no, the whole point of us driving 40 minutes is to celebrate her birthday.

So I admit I might be a bit attached to my baby, but is their behavior not bizarre? Its like they want to play mommy and daddy again. I really don't see myself letting him spend the night until he is at least 2. Am I the crazy one, don't be afraid to tell me if I am.

AimeeS1911's picture
Joined: 02/01/12
Posts: 636

I wouldn't say you are crazy but I also think being a grandparent is a new exciting endeavor for them too. My in laws are not pushy for the most part but lately my FIL has gotten super opinionated on things with DD and I put him in his place. I know that my mother would have been the crazy one if she was still alive always offering to "help" and such when it wasn't needed. Also, if they offer the nights it is not to steal them but I think deep down to help. We had DD sleep over a couple times after she was over 6 mos. now she won't sleep over as much as we would love a night to sleep in!! The tough part is when they don't respect your wishes. It is funny that you see the stroller, pack n play as a problem. I got my in laws an excersaucer and a spare carriage so it was easier if she was at their house. They also have a cr seat base and a car seat of their own for DD. it makes my life easier if they ever need to get the kids etc and makes times at their house way easier because there is stuff for them.

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440

Yeah I guess I just feel like her comments are weird sometimes like she doesn't want me around. It is also like she is trying to prove something sometimes, like she knows how to be a better mommy . I just wish she would respect my wishes and his needs. Both MIL and my dad and his gf all think I nurse him too much and that I try to get him to nap too much. They just want to play with him and get him all wound up and DH and I have to calm his *** down after all that. He maybe gets 3 hours of naps during the day if we are lucky. They always say "oh well he will sleep better tonight if we wear him out." I have repeatedly told them it doesn't work like that and sleep begets sleep.

I also think its more difficult for others to help when you are nursing. He eats every 2 hours on the dot and yes I have let them babysit with bottles, but its not like I can leave him for more than 4 hours because I would need to pump. So I leave him for a couple of hours and they always request more time. MIL calls every week and offers to babysit. Problem is, I just started back at work and I honestly miss him. I am away from him for 10 hours each week day and the only time I spend with him is getting him ready for the day and putting him to bed at night (I have a long work commute). I invite her over during the week and tell her she is welcome to come over any evening and hang out with him, but its not enough, she needs her alone time with him.

I seriously feel like she wants to play mommy again. My dad too. He even says that Henry is his baby. I always follow that with "grandbaby." He said it in public once and we got some weird looks. Nothing worse than when people think your dad is your husband. Blek.

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440

And here is the kicker...if they really wanted to help they would offer to come over and babysit at our place while dh and I went to dinner or a movie, but no thats not convenient for them, because the baby is sleeping and they want him awake if they are going to watch him.

I know they need grandparent time, but its so hard. We see them both every weekend almost. We just need some of our family time too.

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440

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AimeeS1911's picture
Joined: 02/01/12
Posts: 636

Ya I totally see that. Like I said I know my mom would have been that same way you describe and my mil is the total opposite. In general she is just much more laid back etc than my mom was. In the end it all works out and hopefully no ones feelings get too trampled. I can tell in the short time we have known each other you want to please everyone and internalize it when you don't. I am the same way. I will put my foot down and then second guess it and get all upset and then give in which I am trying not to. It is happening this week actually where DHs cousin is getting married on same day we are checking into the beach cottage. We said we are not going (save the dates came in June and we just got invitation 2 weeks ago) but his parents and sister are going and they are also going the beach. His sister keeps throwing low blows at me and I guess it comes to her insecurity of not wanting to go but we would also need to figure out child are on top of the beach issue and it wasn't worth it... This cousin has burned a lot of bridges etc but I feel guilty every day that we said no!

crazy j's picture
Joined: 10/08/07
Posts: 1162

I know its hard, but remember that Henry is really lucky to have so many people who want to love on him. I was really stingy with letting people hold Carson because I thought no one else could soothe him or understand him like I could, but with Emma, I'm a lot more relaxed and let people take her. I have her all day and night (when I'm home), so if somone else wants to love on her, I'm all for it. I wish Emma's grandparents lived close and she could get all that attention lavashed on her. As much as she drives you batty, she just wants to love on her grandson. Though it makes you cringe, I would let your MIL monopolize Henry's time when they're together. Future you will remember that when you're trying to steal Henry's baby from his future wife.

As for sleepovers, I totally agree with you there. For sure, no sleepovers until after 1, and waiting till 2 isn't unreasonable either. As for taking him for a few hours to go shopping ... I don't see much difference between that and him going to daycare for the day.

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440

Yeah I know I may be a tad bit crazy. I have always had trouble with my MIL so thats part of the reason. But we literally see them every other weekend for 4 hours for a formal Sunday lunch. If I let her take him shopping for a half a day when will I get to see my baby? I think I just need a break from family in general, if its not Dh's family then its my family and it always screws with his naps. And then I am exhausted trying to remedy the situation. I guess I wouldn't mind as much if they were respectful of his naps. We haven't had one weekend to ourselves as a family since he was born. It can be rather exhausting. And my friends want to meet Henry too, but we never have time for friends because we are always with family.

And Joan, just curious, but how do you feed a nursing baby while out shopping for 4 hours. I have thought about this, but not sure how it works logistically. Do you bring a cooler with milk? And where do you warm it up? And wouldn't I have to be just sitting at home pumping while my MIL is having a blast with my baby? Plus Henry is unfortunately not an easy napper, he can't just fall asleep while out shopping. I wish. It takes a good 15-20 minutes of pure screaming to get down.

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440

And Aimee yes you know me. I am a such people pleaser and its difficult for me to say no to people and then when I don't it makes me all angry inside.

crazy j's picture
Joined: 10/08/07
Posts: 1162

Yeah, I totally don't blame you for not wanting to dole him out on the weekends. I would let her snuggle on him when you're with her, but I wouldn't want to pump on my weekends either and I don't think I'd be willing to do it unless the baby was way older and I wasn't terribly concerned about supply and pumping output. I totally feel you on the napping thing too. DS was the worst napper and it was so much easier to keep him at home and in his routine. I don't think it's unreasonable to say, no outings because a) I'm his food source and b) I miss him all week and want to see him too.

As for spending all that time with family, I'd lose my mind if I had to do that! Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that we're so far from family, but sometimes I'm so grateful. I think you'll find that as you become more of your own family unit (adding the kid and what not) you feel less like being obligated to particpate on the higher level of family's bullsh!t. With you guys working full time, it's more than reasonable that you don't want to pack up the kid to have lunch with MIL EVERY FREAKIN weekend. How does DH feel about it?

crazy j's picture
Joined: 10/08/07
Posts: 1162

and BTW, MIL lives far away but always talks about how if we were closer, she'd be taking the kids for the weekend all the time. I'm glad I don't have to deal with the situation, because NO WAY IN HE/LL is she taking my itty baby for the weekend. I'd be heavily leaning on the food source arguement even though that's only half of it. The fact that she's a chain smoker is a BIG NO for me ... and really, does it make any sense for her to wake up and bottle feed her every 3 hours overnight or does it make more sense for me to latch her on and go back to sleep. HELLO!!?!!?!

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2440

DH is annoyed. We only see my dad once a month, so that's ok. We were doing Sunday lunch every other weekend with his family, but lately it has turned into every weekend, with certain birthdays/holidays/wedding events. DH keeps saying that we need to start skipping lunch and just stopping by for 30 minutes, because it eats up our weekends. But he never says anything to them, he just vents to me about it. He feels powerless when it comes to his mom and g'ma.

MIL and g'ma are just those types of women who can irritate you with doing things their way. I discovered this when I was planning my wedding and they had such strong opinions about it all. The only reason we didn't get married in a catholic church is because the week after we got engaged, we booked our venue. Otherwise, we would have had to fight them on it. When we told them we were getting married outside on the lake, they were shocked, appalled, but they got over it. But they had final say on my cake and we had discussions about my decor.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I was a lot more "protective" (for lack of a better word) with T when he was a baby, but mostly because he was so colicky and when he would cry I would think that I was the only one that could soothe him and that it was an imposition on other people (his grandparents or aunts or whoever) to have to hold him while he screamed. I'm a lot more relaxed with Reid; I actually kind of welcome the help to just sit and chat and not have to worry about the kiddos for a little while. Having said that, I am super crazy about his bedtime and naps because like Henry he is hard to get down, and I do not need overtiredness and getting out of routine to add to my troubles. I know my mom thinks that I am super high maintenance in that area because I will only come to have dinner at her house if she can promise that we can be out the door by no later than 6:45 because otherwise his sleep routine gets thrown off. I can almost hear her rolling her eyes over the phone when I'm like "can we please eat no later than six....?" LOL Oh well, I'm mom, so what I say goes.

I also would not pump just to please anyone else. I hate pumping. That's not even an option. Also, seriously, taking a baby Henry's age shopping for 4 hours is SUCH a bad idea. He's pretty much 100% guaranteed to get overtired and lose his **** in the mall. What is she thinking? LOL

So, honestly I think it's a combo. I understand why you don't necessarily want to let everyone else have Henry because I was the same way with T, but I also think that especially with having a colicky baby it is good if you can let other people give you a break for a little while. As long as his needs are being met (eating, napping) then maybe try letting go a little bit. Like Joan said, he is lucky to have so many people that love him and want to take care of him. On the other hand, you need to draw a line in the sand with things that are non-negotiable like eating and naps. Don't be nasty about it, but do be firm. You're the mom, and at the end of the day what you say goes.

I also did not let T spend the night with anyone until he was weaned at 14ish months. Actually though, when he does spend the night with his grandparents, it is BLISS. Even at 5 he still gets up at 7 every morning. I miss sleeping in soooo bad. I can't wait until they can take Reid AND T for the occassional over night so that I can sleep in again. *drools at the thought of all that sleep* But again, as far as I'm concerned that is not really an option until Reid is weaned.