Pretty sure I'm out

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Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244
Pretty sure I'm out

Well it's looking like I'm probably out for this cycle and maybe for good honestly. I just got my progesterone level back and it was only 11. The thing that really sucks is that yesterday I was SURE I was pregnant and was just trying to survive until it was time to test. I was so so sure and now it seems impossible. My level should have been over 15. When I got pregnant before it was 20. And last cycle it was 16. I just feel like I'm responding less and less to this medication each month and I'm not sure I want to try anymore. It's been a year and a half. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. Emotionally more than anything. I was supposed to be due in November before the holidays and I lost that baby and all I can think now is how miserable the holidays are going to be while I'm not pregnant AGAIN. I thought for sure I'd be pregnant again before then and it'd be easier to deal with but it doesn't seem that way at all now. Out of mine and DH's family I'm the only one without kids. I'm a total outcast on both sides of the family and holidays are miserable enough because of that and now that I'll be without kids and the one who lost one and can't get pregnant again it'll just be that much worse. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I feel like I relive the miscarriage every month I'm not pregnant and I'm not sure I'm willing to devote any more time to this when it kills me like this each time. We can't afford adoption yet so while that may be a future option it isn't now. Today is just a bad bad day. And I was so sure that I was pregnant yesterday before I got these stupid test results.

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

(((hugehugs))) I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. I know it's hard when you just don't feel it's even possible to hope.

I've been around here a while and I've seen other ladies go through similar things. One lady in particular comes to mind now...she went through the progesterone testing to confirm O for a while and it was never what the doctors felt it should be. She finally quit "trying". She has 2 little ones now. She got pregnant on a cycle they weren't trying and she wasn't tracking and then had another surprise pregnancy I think about 5ish months PP with her first.

I just don't think you should give up hope yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Smile

ETA: I didn't mean to imply that you would get pregnant if you quite trying so hard...that's just how it happened for the person I know here. I just want you to know that if it's not happening this cycle it certainly doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Hope I didn't offend you. Smile

Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 208

Leah, I am so sorry for how you are feeling ((hugs)) I will be praying for you!

Joined: 06/13/12
Posts: 276

I am so sorry Leah:( Hugs for you. It took my friend 2 years after her third miscarriage to get pregnant. They had fertility drugs but that didn't help so they took a break and just had fun and is expecting in February. Things may happen for you soon. I may be out soon too. My body is playing tricks on me and I am due today. It started off as a tannish discharge like it was going to start and nothing n ow. I hate this TTC thing. Hoping for a miracle for you.

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

Oh sweetheart.
I understand!! I totally do.

Each month can bring so much sadness.

I have felt that too... You need to take time to regroup.
A bit if down time.

My friend had a m/c way over a year ago. It took her over 3 months to get her cycle back and then after a year and a half she finally fell again.
She was loosing all hope. She's diabetic and has pcos and just thought it wasn't going to happen.
She could never tell when she I'd ir anything.
She's now about 15 weeks gone.

It will happen.
I promise.

Xxxxxxxxxx

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

:comfort:

I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time today. I don't know the specifics of testing for progesterone, so I can't speak to that, but I hope that if you do decide to keep trying, they are able to get you on a treatment plan that works for you.

I can totally understand about being too emotionally exhausted to continue with trying and trying. I already told DH that if we lose this one, that's it, I'm getting an IUD and we're moving past the child bearing part of our lives because I simply cannot stand to put myself through the grief and anxiety and feeling like there is something wrong with me ever again. Anyway, we are here for you if you ever need to talk to vent or yell at someone. You are not alone in feeling that way. Have you ever visited the TTCAL board? I highly recommend it. We have all been through losses and we know what it's like. Many many hugs to you.

Joined: 07/26/04
Posts: 1595

Oh Leah!! I feel you pain! I'm so sorry! Right now at this point I can swear that I'm pregnant, I would bet money on it, but that damn progesterone plays tricks on you! I totally understand the meds not working. After all the meds I took I still didn't have the greatest embryos. It just plain sucks!! I'm debating if this doesn't work if I want to do it again. Maybe you should just take a break. Let me tell you the small break I took before this cycle helped a lot, I felt normal again and I loved it! :bighug:

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Ladies you're all so wonderful! I don't know what I would do without you all! To be able to vent this somewhere where I know people will care just makes it easier to deal with. I do feel a bit like an idiot though. The RE's office just called and said that my number was good. They just want it over 10. She said that over 10 shows that you had a healthy, quality O. I guess the reason a lot of them want it over 15 on medicated cycles is for more follicles but we know I only had one. I was so confused and I feel a little more validated now. I was trying so hard to keep how I felt a secret. My boobs are giant for me...not pregnancy giant but I'm only 9DPO. They're still pretty giant though. They're heavy, they're sore, and I have the same radiating like pain I had when I was pregnant. Other than that I don't know if I have any potential symptoms but my boobs are usually the tell all for me. I guess we'll just see what happens over the next few days. I just need to calm down. If I'm not pregnant this cycle we'll definitely reevaluate what's important to us and whether or not we need to take a break or not. Thanks again for all of the wonderful support.

Clarkton's picture
Joined: 01/07/08
Posts: 1972

Don't feel like an idiot...this all is such an emotional roller coaster. I'm glad they said it was a good number. Sounds like you have some promising symptoms. That could be making you more emotional too. Smile

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

Mwah!!!!!!!
Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Babymaybe2's picture
Joined: 07/24/12
Posts: 518

I am so sorry that you didn't get the results you wanted. Maybe it implanted later. I have a family member who tried everything to get pregnant including a couple rounds of ivf and nothing worked. She never even got a + pregnancy test. But now she is naturally pregnant with a little princess! It does happen so don't give up!

Good luck and I am praying that a little sneaky bean is there!

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Thanks ladies! I think bean was sneaky last time. Lol. I just did Zumba to work off some nerves and I feel like crap. That could be from crying for a few hours this morning of course which always wears me out, but this heartburn is HORRIBLE. Every time I did a chest pump or something in Zumba acid was gurgling in my throat. I mean yeah I have GERD but I'm highly medicated for it. This makes no sense it's never been this bad. If I'm not pregnant I'm going to the doc for this it's awful. I also have super sore boobs. They're worse today than yesterday by a little and really hurt after zumba...I hope it's a good sign. Maybe being emotional is too. I don't expect AF for a while. My LP should be VERY long this cycle...like 19 days. So doesn't it seems kind of early for sore boobs for AF? I hope so. All I can do is wait and see now.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Oh Leah, so pleased to hear that the number is good!!! And I agree with the other ladies, a) TTCing can make the most sane person feel off balance, and b) being emotional is another good symptom! Biggrin

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

Leah - I was sitting at work a week before my period was due. My semi-manager whom I've known for years and years walked up to me and asked me how I felt. I said.. I think I'm pregnant. He said how could you possibly know that? I said, my boobs hurt. He laughed and walked away. NO OTHER symptoms, but I've been preg twice before and I KNOW now what my boobs feel like when I'm pregnant. Sure enough, a week and a day later I tested - so a day after AF was late and I was pregnant. So don't discount your boobies. That's how I knew - and I knew way early.

I wish you alllllll the luck in the world for a BFP!

Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

Leah, you are not an idiot at all. I cannot even imagine how you must feel going through what you are but please don't give up. Maybe you need to do something else to keep your mind off of it...... you know what they say, it doesn't happen when you try, always when you stop trying.

xxxx

CrysRee31's picture
Joined: 06/01/11
Posts: 1473

Leah I have my fingers crossed so tight for you this cycle I think they're purple!
I hate to see you so down and wanting to give up. I'm glad you got some better news and I have to say - my bbs are why I bothered to test! I can usually tell the cycles I O because my bbs get sore and stay sore for a week, then get better until around AF when they start to hurt a bit again, but they never stay huge! This time they did and well you know the outcome Smile

Hoping and praying for you Hun!!

shadow_grey's picture
Joined: 05/03/12
Posts: 581

(((hugs))) and GL.

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Thank you so much for all of your support ladies! I tested this morning and BFN. I was pretty upset because I was hoping to get a BFP so bad but I had to remind myself that when I was pregnant before I didn't get my BFP until 11DPO and I'm 10 now...maybe 9...we're not 100% sure when I O'd. I ended up having one spot yesterday while I was working out. A friend of mine thinks it's IB but I'm not sure. If it was no wonder I didn't show positive today. I couldn't sleep last night partially from nerves and partially because every time I rolled over my boobs hurt so bad I woke up. Hasn't happened since I was pregnant before! Of course every now and then they don't hurt horrible for a few minutes...I get a reprieve occasionally, and then I'm terrified I imagined it and they start hurting again so bad that I can't question it really. I wore a bra to bed last night. I just hope my BFP is around the corner and I haven't lost my mind...I already cried today too. My mom said "You have to be pregnant. You were fine a second ago and now you're crying". Plus I get really out of breath in early pregnancy (not sure why) and my mom admitted she noticed that a few days ago. I thought maybe I was just stressed or something. If I'm not pregnant his world is so cruel and playing the meanest joke ever.

**Tiffany**'s picture
Joined: 11/21/03
Posts: 1230

Oh Leah I'm sorry honey that you're still on this emotional rollercoaster. It's hard so very hard to stay positive and not get down. I too feel down about ever conceiving again too. I keep thinking every month I don't get pg that that's another wasted month and it will just be that much longer before I get to hold another baby in my arms. And I have 6 kids at home and still feel this powerful drive to have another to help with Noah's loss. I too wanted to be pg by the time he was due (Oct 9th) and now fear that might not come to be. It will be very hard to go through the holidays I agree. At least you are being followed closely and are getting great care from your RE. That will definitely up your chances!! I am glad that your progesterone level is good after all! You are definitely not out and your BBs ate a great sign!! I'm not really having any symptoms right now that I can say for sure could be pg related. I was super irritable yesterday though which is prime PMS time so I am feeling this month will once again be a bust. I'm really trying to be ok with it if it is.

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Tiffany where the heck are our BFPs?!?!? I don't understand why it has to take so long after a m/c sometimes. It's just SO much harder after a m/c too. The longing is so much greater I think and now that I know what it feels like to be pregnant I feel like it's harder too. I feel terrible tonight but I think it's from crying so much today. I have been an emotional WRECK all day! I don't even know why really. I texted a friend who took Femara for 3 rounds and she said she had really sore boobs one round for no good reason. Granted she didn't get a progesterone check so if her progesterone was really high that cycle it could explain it. Mine is as low as it's ever been on fertility meds so it seems to me I shouldn't feel this way. I feel more pregnant now with lower progesterone than I have with higher progesterone.

I noticed this morning that I have to be really careful brushing my teeth. My gums are all raw and sore looking. I have no idea why. I usually brush with an electric tooth brush so I don't brush too hard and my gums are always fine...I haven't eaten anything that should effect it. They were sore and bleeding some like this when I was pregnant so I'm really wondering. Boobs still hurt. Hurts to lift my arms. I keep thinking it's in my armpit, like a swollen gland, but glands are fine, and if I push one spot on my boob that's really sore I can feel it all the way in my armpit so I guess that's what it is. The sides and the bottoms are REALLY sore. I woke up in the night a few times because I rolled over and they hurt really bad. Also very swollen and strangely firm. I don't have super firm perky ladies so...not sure what's up with that. I've had cramping today too. I'm not expecting AF until next Sunday so over a week away and usually have no visibly pms signs until a few days before AF.

If anyone managed to read all of that...what are your thoughts? Is it really possible that Femara can make me feel this way and mimic all of the signs of pregnancy when it's never happened before and I'm on the same dose, no injectibles, no supplements, etc? also Femara is out of your system 3 days after your last pill...well that was like 15 days ago or something. So...I don't get it. I'm so confused and so afraid to truly trust my body.

**Tiffany**'s picture
Joined: 11/21/03
Posts: 1230

I have no idea where are damn BFPs are either Leah! As for your symptoms I have no idea if Femara could cause them but I doubt it, especially since it is out of your system so quickly after the last dose. Mood swings, sore BBs, and bleeding gums sound super promising to me!

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2439

"**Tiffany**" wrote:

Mood swings, sore BBs, and bleeding gums sound super promising to me!

Sounds promising to me too! Fingers crossed for you Leah!

VTAlum01's picture
Joined: 01/23/07
Posts: 136

Well my progesterone is only 7.8 and I'm 5 w and 4 d pregnant.

Not much should be made of that number very early on because there is such a variance.

With my daughter I was only at 13 too. She is perfect.

My doctor was very happy with my number at 7.8 and saw no reason why this was disturbing.

You still have a chance - at this stage, 11 to me seems like it's high or that something else is going on and that you are pregnant with those symptoms. I'm really hoping for you Smile

Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 208

Leah, I am so sorry for your sadness. The 14th is 6 months from my d&c and 10 days before I would have had my csection and I am still not pregnant. I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be easy....... I know how you feel and I really hope in a few days (or less) you get a positive test and go on to have a healthy pregnancy!! I think all your symptoms sound very very promising! Fingers crossed for you!

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Thank you ladies! Your words mean so much to me! Smile Today was really rough. I haven't been on here much. I woke up and took a test. I guess I wasn't really expecting anything since it was a snow white BFN yesterday but it upset me pretty bad. I started crying and couldn't stop. I probably cried for two hours. My stupid eyes are all swollen and my contacts are blurry. I didn't just cry the cry of a heartbroken person though. I also cried the cry of someone with severe PMS.

I can have very bad PMS though I don't always. Femara hasn't really been an issue for me in that department but Clomid sure was. I felt like I was on Clomid today. I don't get it. Femara is out of your body in 3 days and I have low progesterone so why the heck am I crying and furious and ready to break something? It's so annoying. I've had some cramping today and a lot of cm and BBs are still pretty sore though they aren't as sore as they were when I was pregnant. I'm afraid it's just all really bad PMS thanks to being on infertility meds. I just think I should have a BFP by now if it was pregnancy since it's been a good four days that I've been feeling this way. When I got my BFP before I had some heavy symptoms for about two days before I tested and got a BFP so...just seems unlikely at this point.

DH and I had some serious talks and decided how far we'd go with infertility treatments (not much further) and the plan after that is to move on to adoption. I just hope that we know what path is right for us very soon.

glwolf's picture
Joined: 09/26/11
Posts: 928

Leah I'm so so sorry! I know how you are feeling and just having gone through a miscarriage it really sucks and it's so heartbreaking. Try to keep your chin up and know that God has a plan for you and your life you just don't know what it is yet. I know that doesn't seem to help much right now but that is what is getting me through my day and I just know that God wouldn't put us through things for no reason so there must be something coming in your future that is good. It's just so hard to wait to see what it is. I will pray for you sweetie!

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

Leah - if the BFP doesn't come this time, I wish you luck in the future. I've seen many many of your posts and I know you are super irritated that becoming pregnant is such an issue. I don't have any words of wisdom or any way to make you magically pregnant.. but just know you're in my prayers.

**Tiffany**'s picture
Joined: 11/21/03
Posts: 1230

Leah I am SO sorry. I can offer sympathy and empathy but wish I could do more. If I lived closer I swear I would come eat an entire carton of ice cream with you to drown our sorrows. I am still hopeful for you (and even me a tiny bit tho it looks bleak). I would def discuss the side effects you may be having with your dr, that's what your paying him for. I really thought we'd both be pg by now. I seem to be having a rough go of PMS too these past few cycles. I usually feel crappy during AF with achy muscles, cramps, fatigue, (kinda like the flu) and am a bit moody. This month though I have been having big mood swings and feeling quite crappy the week before shes due and now I'm spotting at 9 dpo. There are days when I wonder if this is really worth the pain I cause myself each month since I have so many kids already but I the end it 100% worth it to experience the miracle that is having a baby.

Leah261's picture
Joined: 09/14/11
Posts: 1244

Thank you so much everyone for always being so kind and caring. Smile I can't say enough how much it helps!

Tiffany - I'm so sorry you're going through all of this weirdness too! The docs were pretty adamant that I'd be pregnant right away again and I'm not so...who knows why but I'm kind of over it at the moment. I hope that the 9DPO spotting is implantation and that you are pregnant! I'll be keeping everything crossed for you sweetie.

DH and I have been talking a lot about adoption and I'm feeling better and better about it the more we discuss it. It's always been kind of a dream of mine anyway since I was in high school. That's when I started working with kids and often times very underprivileged children. That's when I started to see that I could love any child with no problems and started to think I'd like to adopt someday so maybe this is just about us getting to realize another dream of ours and just in a different way. We'll see how it all goes but I am sure I'm out for this month. No AF but I have a LONG LP and BFN still on a FRER.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Awww, I'm sorry that you don't seem to be getting the outcome you were looking for, but I'm so happy to hear that you are in a better place emotionally. I think adoption is a wonderful option, and I wish you the best with whatever you end up doing. (((Many Hugs)))

eliann's picture
Joined: 04/19/11
Posts: 2439

Leah giant hugs! I really really hope AF doesn't show. But if she does, I might can offer you something to cheer you up. You use opks right? Are you superstitious? Because if you are I've got some lucky opks here that I will totally mail to you for free. A girl gave them to me after she got pregnant and they seem to work for me. Let me know. In the meantime..keeping my fingers crossed that the witch stays away.