What do you think?

[Kendergirl]

Oh, I'm so torn and confused. I know this is a personal decision...but it doesn't hurt to see what other people think. I'd love to hear from anyone with 2 or more kids...but input from anyone is appreciated!! I know what DH would say, so no help there. A little backstory for anyone who doesn't know.

I had DD in October 06'. The original plan was for her to be an only child. Then, in September, I found out I was pregnant (an "oops"). It was shocking, but more shocking was that I was happy about it! I miscarried shortly afterwards. I talked DH into actually trying for #2 for 6 months. I figure that would give us a pretty decent shot at having a baby, but also know it might not happen. Last month we accidentally had perfect timeing with BDing (we were going to wait a month before TTC), but nothing came of it other than driving myself crazy with "symptoms".

Maybe it's all the POAS with no results, or the fact that DD has been sick all week, but now I find myself not really wanting #2. All last month it was all I could think of. I would have been over the moon to be preggo. A part of me still wants it, I think of all the great times and good life experiances for DD. A part of me says no way, thinking of all the work and expenses (DH says no btw ... but he's at least willing to give it a chance).

So, now for the question part...

Should we even be trying if there's a solid no and a kinda no? I mean, at the moment, I'm only a partial yes (and it's a small part). There's a solid time limit to trying (DH is getting snipped), so I almost feel like leaving it to fate. If we get pregnant I know I will be happy, and DH will be too with an adjustment period (after the birth I'm sure). If we don't then I know DH will be happy and I will be too (and at least I know we tried). I was thinking of going 4 months instead of 6 (we don't want a X-mas baby)...and from what I read that should basically be a coin flip (no known fertility problems).

For the BTDT moms (this goes double if #2 was an oops), is it worth it? Was it harder than you thought? If you could go back, would you do it again? DH is worried that #2 won't be as easy as DD (and she's easy...this was the first time she's really been sick since she was born, SSTN at 2 months with BFing...really easy!).

Is it bad being so wishy-washy over such a huge life-changing event?

[Mom2A&Bean]

I don't think it is bad to be wishy washy over this, its a hard decision and you are just trying to see all the angles. I don't want to offend you so I will try to keep this basic and to the point...

1. If DH says no and he means it, I don't believe y'all should try and hope he'll be happy after the transition phase or after birth, you don't want a child in an unhappy home if DH ends up more unhappy about it than you think

2. I sincerely believe that your sudden want for a second child had A LOT to do with the oops baby and the miscarriage. I have lost four babies and its a hard thing to go through, every time I was left with a "NEED" to get pregnant NOW feeling....

3. Talk talk talk to DH about your feelings and come up with a resolution to the problem, don't assume DH will just say no and never talk to him about it... I mean really sit down and talk about it...every option, and aspect and every angle, really look at how a second child would change your lives, and consider if y'all would be okay with those changes,

As you know a baby is nothing small to consider, LO needs a healthy family home, good finances (at least good enough to have everything they need) they need us to be there for them and truely want them... so I'd also analyze your true feelings and get to the root of why you are pondering having a second child. If y'all try to have a second it needs to be for the right reasons...

Hope I have not said anything to upset you. Hope i have helped.

[Kendergirl]

Nope. No hurt feelings. :D

I guess DH isn't 100% no....after all, he did agree to try! According to him, he's always imagined having only one kid and can't imagine having any more. He'd prefer to stay with one. He says he'd love #2 just as much...it's just not in his grand plans for life I guess.

Finances are OK. I know it wouldn't be a problem. I guess I'm just enjoying spoiling DD and ourselves. Having another would just make things a bit tighter. I'm also thinking of when they're older. The bigger they are, the more the cost.

I know what you mean with wanting to be preggo NOW. I REALLY wanted it bad, which is probably why I had all those crazy symptoms (including being a week late).

DH thinking the sudden change of mind has to do with DD being sick. It was ROUGH for several days. They happened at pretty much the same time. I think he's at least partially right. I was thinking what would happen if I had two kids sick at the same time (yikes!).

It's kinda funny because I swore I never wanted to go through pregnancy again after my first. I was miserable during a lot of it (but now I seem to remember only the good parts), and the first month she was home was the hardest ever. Now I look forward to it because I know for every hard part there's a reward that's 100X better.

I've got a bit of time to decide if we're going to try this month. If I reach a solid no myself, then I guess I have my answer. As it is, I may just end up leaving it to fate...not try, but not prevent.

[Uropachild]

This is probably a really depressing and touching on inappropriate response, but i'll share it with you and hope that you know how i mean it, based on my experiences. :)

Basically i wouldnt want to have only one child for risk of something happening to them and me being left with none. Particularly if that something happened when i was older and couldnt have any more. Now, i'm not saying that something is going to happen. I'm just incredibly aware of all the things that can go wrong, and this is only since i have lost two babies. I just think, at least now i can have another, but later on. If i lost my only child. I could not.

So there it is. Please dont think i'm trying to depress you because i'm not. This is just my open and honest point of view about what you were asking. :)

[RRDT]

I don't think anyone else can answer this question for you. I think it has to be from you and your DH! What is in your heart of hearts!??
I think if you want a child, and you don't have one, then you may regret it later. You really should have a sit down with DH. Make a list of reasons to, and not to have another. See what comes of it! Ask DH to write up a list too.
Best wishes for whatever you decide!

[Kendergirl]

I know what you mean Sarah. That's actually the reason why DH hasn't gotten snipped yet - his idea. He purposefully waited until she was a year old "just in case". Thank god "just in case" never happened. A friend of mine lost her oldest son, and the fact that she had a younger son to care for is really the only reason she got out of bed for a LONG time. It has crossed my mind, but it's really the last on a long list of reasons to have more than one.

I have a feeling we won't be trying in the end. I'm just afraid that I'll end up regreting it later. For many reasons, it would have to happen soon if it all. I guess I'd better make up my mind.

Today I'm pretty pro-baby. DD was being very cute and snuggly (and still sick) today. She's also learned something new...she said yes to something for once! You'd think she's 2 with as much as she says no. It's a bummer to think that I wouldn't get to experiance this again.


Thanks for all the input so far. Don't be afraid of offending me (that's pretty hard to do). I'm seriously trying to look at this from all angles.

[Uropachild]

Oooh i just thought of something someone said on TOC. That once a baby arrives you love them so much that you would never regret having them. You might have certain circumstances that you would change etc. but all in all they are yours and you love them and wouldnt change a thing. On the other hand, you dont have a baby and you can regret that easier iykwim?

Oh i dont know. :lol: The other person said it better! :lol: Basically it's better to regret something you have done than something you didnt do.

[melnzai]

I think this a decision only you and your DH can make. I was an only child. Not by choice, but because my parents were never able to conceive again. There were things I liked about being an only child, such as getting all my parents' attention, not competing with siblings, having more financial advantages, etc. However, I think the cons outweighed the pros for me. I don't really understand sibling relationships, have difficulty fitting in with my DH's big family, and struggle with avoiding conflict because I am not used to it. The biggest thing for me as an adult is knowing that once my parents are gone, that is it for me. I have no one else other than my DH and my DS. It haunts me. Since I am dealing with secondary infertility, I have fears that my DS will be dealing with these same feelings as my DH and I get older. Plus, my parents are awesome grandparents. My DS loves them so much and I want them to experience more than just one grandchild. They will take what they can get, but I cry sometimes thinking that they won't get to experience more little ones to read to and play with. Just my two cents.

[JackDogg]

Right now I only have one child, and it took me a while to decide to have a second one. When I see Braden playing with his younger cousins it is just so amazing to me, and I really hope to be able to give him a brother or sister of his own. Like the other girls said, though, only you can make the decision that is right for you. Good luck in that decision.

[Kendergirl]

Our situation is funny. I have a sibling that I don't get along with for reasons I'll not get into (you'd fall asleep before you could finish reading). It was horrible and abusive, and we haven't talked more than 5 minutes at a time in close to 7 years. I often think my life would have been so much better as a single child. Say all of that, I recognise that I learned some priceless life-lessons that I would not have gotten as a single child. It worries me that DD wouldn't get that experiance (but I sure to pray their relationship would be better!).

DH was a single child, and apparently never had any longing for a sibling. Add that to him knowing about my sibling, and his mind is pretty closed on the matter. I think he enjoyed being spoiled (and boy, was he!) and he wants the same for DD.

I'm going to TRY to talk with DH and see if I can get him to understand all my reasons behind wanting another baby. I'm not holding my breath here. I'll let you guys know how it goes. I think I know the outcome!

[~HollyBear~]

For the BTDT moms (this goes double if #2 was an oops), is it worth it?

So I found out that I was pg with #2...our oops...when ds was barely a year old. Granted we had planned on having more children, we had wanted at least a 3 yr spread between them. It took me probably 3-4 months to really get over the shock of having another and having them be so close, but it has all been wonderful (of course we have our moments..and days!)!! And if I had it to do all over again, i would do it exactly the same!

But we had always planned on more.

As for wanting and then changing your mind...I started getting baby hungry moments again when dd turned 18 months. However it seemed that whenever I did, my kids gave me a run for my money the next day and I was like "I'M DONE! TWO IS PLENTY!" And whenever dh mentioned another, I said "Not until I have more days a week that I want more kids and less that I feel like I'm done" That finally happened just before dd turned 2 :) and here I am

I very much agree with all the pp about really having a good sit down chat with dh and talking in depth about having #2 and come to a decision that you can both live the rest of your lives with. I wish you the best in coming to that decision!

[Kendergirl]

As for wanting and then changing your mind...I started getting baby hungry moments again when dd turned 18 months. However it seemed that whenever I did, my kids gave me a run for my money the next day and I was like "I'M DONE! TWO IS PLENTY!" And whenever dh mentioned another, I said "Not until I have more days a week that I want more kids and less that I feel like I'm done" That finally happened just before dd turned 2 :) and here I am !


LOL That's awesome. Thanks for sharing.

[RRDT]

May I ask how old you are? I believe you have plenty of time left. I would not rush the snip-snip. If he is persistant, and wants to get it done, there is always the option of reversal too!
Take your time, make your list, and really decide what you want!
Best wishes.

[emmy_24]

I am going to throw my 2 cents in here and I really hope that I don't offend anyone.

In my personal experience I think only children miss out on a lot in life. I worked at a daycare and the only children generally had a much harder time fitting in and relating to other children.

I think there is a lot of pressure on only children as they are the only child their parents have to focus on and there is always the sad risk of losing one and being left with none.

I am the middle of five children and I loved it. I have gone months and years without talking to some of my siblings at various times for various reasons, but in the end I am glad that I have them. My DH has only one sibling, and they fought a ton when they were teens but now they get alonng and it is so neat to have all that family around.

Like I said this is all just my opinion, but I figure that life may be harder with more kids but harder does not equal worse. My life is harder since I had my son, but definatly waaaaaaaay better. I am also a big beleive in not regretting anything and I have met quite a few people that regret not having more kids, and I think that would be a really sad place to be at the end of your life.

Of course the decision is a very personal one and I wish you all the luck in making it. I hope that you are at peace with whatever you decide. Good Luck!

[Kendergirl]

May I ask how old you are? I believe you have plenty of time left. I would not rush the snip-snip. If he is persistant, and wants to get it done, there is always the option of reversal too!
Take your time, make your list, and really decide what you want!
Best wishes.

I'm (nearly) 28 and DH is 30. He would have been snipped already had the "oops" not happened. It's been his plan for as long as I've known him - close to 11 years - so this is not any kind of surprise to me. I really, strongly, don't think I want a second child later in life. I'd like to get all this diaper and bottle business out of the way ASAP. Not to say things don't change....that's what this whole thread is about.

Emmy - that's exactly what's on my mind. I took Cadence to a play area with other kids the other day. She was quite brave and ran around quite a bit, but it was quite clear she didn't know what to think about the other kids. She mostly watched what they were doing. A 2 year old boy fell in love with her and tried to give her a hug...she kinda freaked out (not that I blame her too much). I've been trying to think of things we could do where she'd be around other kids more often.

Anyway, I asked him if we were going to try and he said "sure". LOL That wasn't very hard. I feel better knowing he's at least partially onboard. I'm sure he's still prefer only DD, but he's open to the idea at least.

So, it looks like we're officially trying! I'm glad to finally settle that.

This should be interesting. I don't want to monitor anything. I don't want to know when I O, what my CM is like, which part of V-town my cervix is hanging out in...anything. It was putting far too much hope in me last cycle. The phantom symptoms were awful. It's amazing what your mind can trick your body into. I figure we'll just BD every 2 - 3 days and let whatever happens happen.

We're basically flipping a coin, and I'm pretty satisfied with that. I got preggo with DD in two months, and the only thing we did was not prevent. Who knows, maybe it'll happen again.

Count me it!

[Uropachild]

Yey!!! So glad you came to a decision, and i dont mind saying that IMO it was the right one! :D

[RRDT]

You and DH are still young IMO! I can understand wanting to do it now, though. But, If you decide you want more later, you have plenty of time. :)
DH and I decided 20 yrs ago, to have 2 kids. What we both wanted. Right after having my son, I wanted another! (not right away, of course, lol) but we had 2, and I was surprised, I was wanting more. I will be 39, when I have my next child... A friend of mine had 2 children in her mid 40's! But, I rather not wait that long myself, :o)!

[melnzai]

I am glad that you came to a decision. I am sure it is nice to know what direction you want to go. I think that having more than one child can be wonderful.

I do want to say to all who have posted that a lot of research has been done to discredit early research from the 50s and 60s "showing" that only children are less adjusted, do not get along well with others, and are less successful in life. Many onlies are very successfull, well adjusted adults. Just because they do not have siblings does not mean their parents don't successfully teach them social skills and how to become productive members of society. As an only child, I have been very successful in interpersonal relationships and career. I have cousins who have siblings that are not as well-rounded as I am in some respects. I graduated college, grad school, and have a post-graduate degree. I am in a marriage that is going on 10 years and have a lot of friends where I have chosen to live. So much so, that even though I want to move closer to my parents, I cannot bear to leave the great friends I have made. My personality may have some to do with that, but I don't want anyone to think that if they have an only child they are dooming them to life without friends or success. Good things can come from being an only child and I think sometimes society puts too much emphasis on having more than one child. I may never be lucky enough to conceive again and while it pains me greatly, I have faith that my son will be a well-rounded successful adult even if he never gets the opportunity to experience having a sibling.

[emmy_24]

Yey!!! So glad you came to a decision, and i dont mind saying that IMO it was the right one! :D

ITA!

[chatakat]

I'm glad you came to a decision!

I wanted to throw my own 2 cents in. I have 1 sibling, there's almost a 5 year age difference between us. And honestly I couldn't imagine him not being there. When he moved out and got married, I became an "only" child for a few years. And to be honest I hated it. We'd go on family vacations and I had no one to do anything with. No one to talk to when I wanted to complain about mom. We'd go to water parks, and honestly playing by yourself is no fun. I think I'd like to have 3 children, however I definatley know I want at least 2 for this fact.

[JackDogg]

So glad you made a decision and you'll be sticking around!