Huge loss - how do I explain death??

[SarahSmiles]

Well, I knew this was coming, but it still managed to shock me, how is that fair? Grandma passed away last night. It was time, I know...she was in a lot of pain and she was not herself anymore...it's been such a long battle with cancer! I know she was ready, and as much as you try to prepare, are you ever really prepared? And, we are grateful that we had more time with her than we thought we would, but it is still very hard. I don't know what to say to Brooke. I am waiting for Mike to get home so we can tell her together (she was still sleeping when he had to leave) but I know she isn't going to understand, not really. I don't know what to tell her....

[Lstacky]

:bighug:Oh Sarah I'm in tears. I'm so sorry! I wish I could help you with explaining your grandma's passing to Brooke. Dh and I have not yet had to deal with this. The only thing I can think of is to keep it short and simple - that way it will be easier on you and maybe she will grasp what has happened. Thinking of you and your family - wish I could be there to give you a real hug.

[MerriD]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This age is going to be hard. When my MiL passed away last year William was too young to really get it, but he definitely picked up on our emotions. How close were they? That may make some difference on how you approach it.

[NorthernMamaof2]

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry for your loss!!! It's never easy to lose a loved one. When trying to explain tough situations to my children, I always fall back on children's literature. I'm sure there are some really good books out there about Grandparents who pass away.

:bighug:

[SarahSmiles]

Thank you so much you guys! I appreciate your hugs and prayers more than I can ever say. We were very close to my Grandma and although the cancer changed the way she looked toward the end, Brooke and I still continued to visit her regularly, sometimes everyday or every other day, throughout this whole ordeal. (We are only about 20 miles away...some of the closest proximity wise in the family.) Brooke has not seen her in 2 1/2 weeks...that is when she really took a turn for the worse and she had said that she didn't want Brooke to see her like that, so I continued to visit alone. But, Brooke just asked the other day if we could go to Pender to see Great-Grandma, so I know she is in her little thoughts.

We did talk to her this morning before preschool. (We figured preschool would be a happy distraction.) Of course, she really didn't understand. Mike was really great - a great support and he jumped in when I started getting too emotional. We just told her that we were sad right now because Great-Grandma died and went to heaven but that we were happy for her because she wasn't sick anymore....that we were just sad because we missed her. Then I tried to explain the funeral by saying that Gramee and Grampy and her aunts and uncles and cousins would be coming and we would say good-bye to Great-Grandma together. I tried to keep it brief and she was kind of quiet at first, then she wanted to get down and we left it at that. At first I was afraid that she wasn't even really comprehending, but a little later she asked me why Great-Grandma was in heaven and when I said that she had been very sick, she asked why and before I could even explain, she changed the subject. I've kind of left it at that at least for now. I am anticipating that the questions will come as the funeral and other activities start to take place.

And Margaret, thank you for the suggestion! I didn't even think of that, but I will look for an appropriate book.

I did get some literature from one of my friends, who is a school psychologist, and the one thing it said was to be clear that the loved person has died, not to say that they've gone away or something else that little minds can interpret to mean that they'll come back later. So, I tried to do that....We'll see how she handles this when she really graspes the fact that we won't be going to see Great-Grandma again.

Again, thank you all so much for your responses and for your support! I'll keep you posted as things progress.

[NorthernMamaof2]

You're welcome, Sarah! One more thing...(it sounds like you plan to take her to the funeral), I've heard how important it is to include children in attending funerals. I just took Anna to my Great-Uncle's funeral last week and she took it fine. I thought she'd have all kinds of questions about why he was "sleeping" or whatever she thought he was doing in the casket, but she didn't say anything at all.

Maybe Brooke will be so distracted w/ her Uncles, Aunts, and cousins, that it will all go smoothly.

((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you!!!

(How nice of Mike to step in and be supportive!! WTG Mike!)

~Margaret

[molette]

Im so sorry Sarah. I know if something ever happens to my Grandma I will be devastated and I wont know how to tell my girls. Prayers to you and your family. Hugs

[jaded812]

I am so sorry for your loss Sarah. It is hard to explain it to kids. Zack was much older when our Great Gram past and he took it very hard. Now I know it would be hard on both kids if something were to happen to my parents. I think the two of you did a great job explaining it. It will take time and I'm sure she will ask alot afterwards for her. We always told Zack Gram Green was watching over him and all he had to do was look up and smile and she would see him. To this day I use that on him and he just smiles at me. Take care of yourself and big Hugs to you and your family.

[Perkyp99]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Pam

[SarahSmiles]

Thank you so much guys! I appreciate that so much! And Margaret, thank you! It just hit me last night that I assumed I should take her to the funeral, but was wondering if I shouldn't. I just want to do the right thing for her so that she can cope, too. I know she doesn't understand right now, but at some point, she will.

I'll keep you posted and again...thank you for your support!!

[^Angie^]

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. I completely understand how you feel as well. Y'all already know about my Mom; she passed shortly after my own Mamaw, who also died of cancer. It does seem unfair that it still shocks us...loss is never easy, and please don't let anyone make you think that you shouldn't be surprised or that it should hurt any less just because you knew it was coming. I know people would say idiotic things about that to me. Not to make one sound easier than the other, having experienced both kinds of losses (meaning the expected and unexpected), I personally think it's harder when you have to wait for it. In knowing the inevitable is coming, we grieve for them in the final years of their lives as well. When it does happen, the rush of different emotions is horrifying. Personally, I felt guilt (for "waiting" for them to die) and a loss of hope that somehow they may pull out of it, on top of many other things. I'm so sorry you have to feel any of it. Please know you're in my prayers...you are certainly not alone.

As far as what to tell Brookie..."Grandma went to Jesus". That's all, and answer whatever she may ask. That's what my Mom told me when her little brother died and it stuck with me forever. I was 5 and it was all she needed to say. Clara knows about Mamaw Dorisy-Rae and NaNa Linda, of course, but we never have gotten into "why". I don't want her to associate "very sick" with death just yet. In time she'll ask and I'll tell her what happened, but for now she knows where they are and will remain, that they're angels and that they get to see Jesus. She knows they watch over her and protect us, even if we can't see them. Sometimes she does say that she wants to go see Jesus (usually that means she wants to go to church, lol) or that she wants to go see them in Heaven, but I just tell her that Jesus is the only One who can tell us when to go. I tell her He has important things for us to do here, and that He wants us together to be w/ each other. I do tell her how I miss them, and she's seen my cry for them, but she seems to be okay with it. Almost like she understands that even though it's sad for us, they really are in a better place.
Hope I helped some, but even if I didn't, please know I'm thinking about you.
(((((HUGS)))))

[SarahSmiles]

Thank you SOOO much Angie! I have chills and tears reading your post! Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone and that my feelings are okay!! It always helps to hear that! It sounds like Clara and Brooke have responded the same way! It almost broke my heart last night though when we were on our way to Gma's house to see family and Brooke was adament that Great-Grandma absolutely CAN NOT go to heaven, that she has to come back to Pender because she (meaning Brooke) can't go to heaven to see her. She then said, "Everything is up-side down" which I think meant that everything is backwards...Great-Gma should be in Pender and not heaven. She didn't cry, she was just adament. I calmly told her that she has already gone to heaven which is a wonderful place and that some day we will get to see her when we go to heaven but that right now, she needs to be there and that we can miss her, but that we are happy she is in heaven. I was sad, but also glad to hear her talking about it and trying to process it. I think we are both getting there...slowly, but surely!

Thank you Angie!!!!

[missleone]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am very close to my Papa and I know it's gonna be hard when he passes. I wanted to see if Hospice was involved at all. They should be able to help. My cousin's husband killed himself and even though there wasn't a terminal illness involved they were able to help her and the 2 small children cope.

[SarahSmiles]

Thank you so much Maureen!! Yes, hospice has been involved for the last 10 months or so and they have been FANTASTIC!! Actually, Gma's hospice nurse (the main one) read a beautiful poem at the funeral yesterday. A total tear-jerker, but so very nice. And, all of her hospice nurses were there! That was so nice! They have been so good to us and we are huge supporters of hospice care. In fact, all of Grandma's memorials will be donated to our local hospice center and the local newspaper did a story on how hospice has cared for Gma these last 10 months!

So, an update....

As I mentioned, the funeral was yesterday. I decided not to take Brooke. I actually consulted a few friends at work who are school psychologists and they said that there isn't a right or wrong way, but that I should do what I need to do to grieve. So, Mike and I decided that it would be easier not to have to deal with keeping Brooke still during the service (assuming she'd see it as similar to a church service) and that it might be most upsetting to see everyone she loves crying for Great-Gma. And, I have to say that I think it was the right decision...it gave me time to grieve and allowed me to focus on the service and honoring my Gma. And, the pastor's wife took Brooke to the parsonage across the street with a few of the other younger cousins (although some were at the church, too.) So, she had a good time. We did take her to the funeral home on Sunday, when it was just the family, and let her say good-bye to Great Gma! She actually started to run into the room where the casket was without me and came back crying saying that she was trying to say good-bye to Great Gma! (Oh man...what a heart-breaker!) So, I took her hand and we went in together and she blew kisses to Great-Gma and told her that she loved her. It was actually really sweet and after that she seemed okay. Of course, the whole concept is so difficult to understand. As we were walking up the steps to the funeral home, she asked if that was where Jesus lived. (We were going to "visit" Great-Gma at the visitation and she knew that Great-Gma lives in heaven with Jesus....easy to see her confusion.) We did try to explain before we went and sat her down and told her that when we see Great-Gma, she will look like she is asleep and so won't wake up with us here, but will wake up in heaven with Jesus. She seemed to take that part well and is doing her best to understand the whole thing.

I am hanging in here too...yesterday was really difficult, but it was a blessing to join with so many people who loved her and honor her life. My brother-in-law sang a beautiful song...it was a really nice service and very special. I think I will be able to come to grips now that the funeral is over. But, the pain is very raw and difficult yet. Sigh!

Anyway...thank you all for your love and prayers and support! YOu have been wonderful and I appreciate it!!

[jaded812]

Sarah I am in tears for you right now cause I know how you feel. Seems like your Gram had alot of people who loved her very much. So nice of the nurses that cared for her to attened. I am glad of your choice with Brooke cause it seems like you handled it very well and you had friends to help as well. If you need ANYTHING I am here. Your whole family will continue to be in my prayers.

[mylaura2001]

Oh Sarah, I'm sorry I'm so late on posting. It sounds like you did the exact right thing for Brooke. I'm sorry you lost your Grandmother, I'm sending hugs your way.

[SarahSmiles]

Thank you SOOO much Chrissy and Laura! I appreciate it so very much!!