Emotionally depeleted... sleep woes
So, while I think I am pretty aligned with almost all parts of AP, my husband is decidedly not. He's gone along with a lot of things- I breastfeed, we wore Beni a lot, and we co-sleep.
The problem is, we've made a lot of changes in our life recently (moved countries, DH got a new job, I quit working to SAH) and DH has had to sacrifice a lot. I don't deny this, and I am very grateful to him. The issue now is that he is feeling completely worn out, and like his life sucks and he wants something from me. He wants to be able to go out at night, without Beni. he wants to be able to be gone at bedtime. She's never gone to sleep without me in her life. I've never left her at bedtime. She's had family member babysitters, but always during the day.
Beni has never been a "good" sleeper. Well, actually, from like 0-4 mos she slept through the night just waking to nurse, no crying, no playing... that was good. Now, at 16 mos, she still nurses more than she eats, and nurses to sleep and any time she wakes at night- which is often. She is still in our bed, so once I go to sleep, it's not really an issue. It is pretty annoying from her bedtime (between 7 and 8 ) until my bedtime (usually between 10 and 12), when she will sometimes sleep for 2-3 hours, and sometimes still wakes and needs to nurse back to sleep every 45 minutes.
So, with my husband on the verge of a breakdown, our marriage on the rocks...I feel like I need to do something toward being able to go out at night. It goes against everything I believe in, except that I believe in my marriage and my family staying together.
Last night Beni managed to fall asleep after nursing (not while- it took about 30 mins) and then slept until 1:30am, which I swear was a record. Tonight, she nursed and popped herself off and fell asleep. Then 45 minutes later, she was awake and looking for boobies. But it had been decided that she wouldn't nurse again until at least midnight. So I went in and held her/patted her while she cried, screamed, pleaded, signed, kicked, thrashed, etc, etc just wanting to nurse. Man, it's going to make me cry again just writing about it. I cried while I was doing it too. (DH by the way can't handle the stress of helping me with this situation right now.)
I am exhausted. Emotionally drained. I was thinking while I was doing that tonight, that I was doing it for my marriage, for DH, but, I would regret it for the rest of my life for my daughter.
Am I just exhausted and being overly dramatic... is there a better, easier way I could be going about this... at 16 mos, it seems like she "should" be sleeping differently than she is...but, in the moment, she's still my baby, and I want to give her what she needs.
I appreciate you just reading, or sharing any supportive words. Thanks.