Our little... shhh! not telling!
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My family, visiting my aunt and grandma:
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tried to have DH take a belly pic, but I look absolutely awful right now!
I'm actually depressed, and although this is horrible to say, and I'm only saying it here (and to my husband) I am feeling really resentful of this pregnancy. It wasn't planned. I had a blip on my chart that seemed pretty clear that I had already ovulated, and then apparently I either ovulated again (which has happened before) or the first signs were off. In my defense, my nursing cycles are completely wacky and hard to read, but I'd been pretty good about it up to that fateful cycle back in november.
I know I'm not in good company, I know that many of you ladies would give anything to accidentally conceive, I know that. I'm sorry. But we have been struggling financially for so long, and I had just finally gotten into a groove with getting massage clients at my health center (which I am committed to paying half the rent no matter what.) and we knew we were going to be moving around now and obviously God has some ridiculous, nasty sense of humor, because now I'm going into massive debt over the health center, we still need to move and we were hoping to be able to buy something which I just found out today is pretty much out of the question with our income vs. family size, and now I'm just depressed.
I'M DEPRESSED! like really and frighteningly. at least not so much that I don't see it, but enough that I have thoughts about how (I can't believe I'm writing this) about how if this pg didn't turn out well... and I know that's insane - and I know that I don't really feel that way, and I'd be devastated and everything, but i just feel so overwhelmed. I have rented 3 places here and none of the landlords have been normal. Its always a story, even when they seem nice... I don't want to deal with that anymore! I want to live in my own house. I don't want to deal with taking care of someone else's property or worrying about how my kids are drawing on their walls or whatever. I just want my own house, and my own garden and my own mess that only I have to deal with!
Ugh, I'm sorry. I sound like such a whiny annoying baby. But I can't really say this to anyone IRL. even DH, I mean, we talked about it a little, but I don't want to drag him down, b/c someone in this family has to keep it together. Sorry for ranting, ladies... you should go back and find other posts my me from before this pregnancy, I'm not like this at all!! I'm not a complainer, I'm usually so optimistic and idealistic. I'm just not feeling it now at all. ugh.