First some pics, and then my stress!

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tanismom's picture
Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 717
First some pics, and then my stress!

Our little... shhh! not telling!
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My family, visiting my aunt and grandma:
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tried to have DH take a belly pic, but I look absolutely awful right now!

I'm actually depressed, and although this is horrible to say, and I'm only saying it here (and to my husband) I am feeling really resentful of this pregnancy. It wasn't planned. I had a blip on my chart that seemed pretty clear that I had already ovulated, and then apparently I either ovulated again (which has happened before) or the first signs were off. In my defense, my nursing cycles are completely wacky and hard to read, but I'd been pretty good about it up to that fateful cycle back in november.
I know I'm not in good company, I know that many of you ladies would give anything to accidentally conceive, I know that. I'm sorry. But we have been struggling financially for so long, and I had just finally gotten into a groove with getting massage clients at my health center (which I am committed to paying half the rent no matter what.) and we knew we were going to be moving around now and obviously God has some ridiculous, nasty sense of humor, because now I'm going into massive debt over the health center, we still need to move and we were hoping to be able to buy something which I just found out today is pretty much out of the question with our income vs. family size, and now I'm just depressed.
I'M DEPRESSED! like really and frighteningly. at least not so much that I don't see it, but enough that I have thoughts about how (I can't believe I'm writing this) about how if this pg didn't turn out well... and I know that's insane - and I know that I don't really feel that way, and I'd be devastated and everything, but i just feel so overwhelmed. I have rented 3 places here and none of the landlords have been normal. Its always a story, even when they seem nice... I don't want to deal with that anymore! I want to live in my own house. I don't want to deal with taking care of someone else's property or worrying about how my kids are drawing on their walls or whatever. I just want my own house, and my own garden and my own mess that only I have to deal with!

Ugh, I'm sorry. I sound like such a whiny annoying baby. But I can't really say this to anyone IRL. even DH, I mean, we talked about it a little, but I don't want to drag him down, b/c someone in this family has to keep it together. Sorry for ranting, ladies... you should go back and find other posts my me from before this pregnancy, I'm not like this at all!! I'm not a complainer, I'm usually so optimistic and idealistic. I'm just not feeling it now at all. ugh.

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

Now stop apologising!!!!!!!
That's the first thing!!!
We are here to support each other through all this as well as cheer each other along.
Your feelings are totally valid whether there are people in different circumstances or not.
At the moment your feelings are more important.. Because basically they are your feelings... You have to go through them.
I wish I had magic words to make everything better.
I wish I could take all the stress off you but sadly I can't.
What I can do... And what we can all do is offer you a shoulder to cry on if you need an ear to yell into and a thick skin to abuse if you need to let off steam.
I hope that somehow things get easier.
I hope that hormones are making it harder to deal with and once they calm you'll feel at least a little better.
And most of all I just wish two warm arms around you to hug off a horrible day.


Joined: 07/28/05
Posts: 246

Your baby is so cute! And you have a beautiful family!

Liz is 100% right, I don't have much to add there.

I hope things will start to fall into place for you soon. You have a lot going on, don't be too hard on yourself.

tanismom's picture
Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 717

Thanks girls, that was a really crazy hard day, thanks for taking it in stride! I do have so much to be grateful for, and I think venting really helped me get out what I was feeling. The next day I called the owner of a house in the village we want to move to who had put their house on the market. We know them, so I decided to go out on a crazy limb and ask if they'd be willing to rent it instead since that would be our only possibility for moving there with no prospects for a mortgage... so I guess God decided I'd had enough, b/c before I could even launch into my whole planned shpiel about how we'd be willing to go month to month in case they get a buyer etc... he stopped me and said that they had just decided to rent it instead of sell!!!
It's a lot more expensive than what we're renting now, about $300/month more, but my parents said they'd help us with the difference, which is also a huge blessing b/c they are pretty tight right now themselves! So now we just have to ask our landlady if she'll let us stay here one more month, b/c the current tenants over there have a lease until july 31st (which is also cutting very close to my due date, but I'm just going to have faith!).

That's a huge stress off! And now we just have to figure out what we need to do over the next year or two to get to the point of being able to afford a mortgage. It means pushing off nursing school, unfortunately, but I think it's the right choice for now.

Totally feeling the love from you Liz, thank you! And thank you Stephanie! p.s. do you believe that's my grandma standing behind me??? I hope I got her ageing genes!!

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

Yay for such awesome news!!!!!
That is a weight off your mind!!!!
You must have had some form of link to the people you will rent from to ring at the exact right time!!!!
And your parents are wonderful!! you are so lucky!!!

You'll be fine...and somehow a way to buy will appear when you are least expecting it!!!
Life has a funny way of just falling into place when you are least expecting it too!!!!

As to nursing school...are there any online courses you could take to just keep your foot and brain in the door so to speak?
Keep us posted!!!!

Huge hige hugs!!!!!

Joined: 02/07/12
Posts: 463

Sorry I am getting to this late, but I just have to say reading your post made me tear up because I so feel where you are coming from. I was charting my cycle and things got wonky and we thought we were okay and turns out well we weren't. This was not planned and now I am busting my *** trying to get enough hours at my work just so I can qualify for maternity leave so we aren't getting absolutely nothing. I don't feel over joyed about this pregnancy and I know I would be heartbroken at the same time but I just feel like this is all too much. When this baby is born Kay won't even be 3 and well Keira is still a baby in my eyes. I just don't know how I am going to survive this. We are living in a 2 bedroom house and are having a hard time financially trying to find a 3 bedroom.

I am sorry you are having a hard time with all of this and I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

I know I couldn't imagine my life without this baby now but the timing is all wrong.

Hope things start really looking up for you Smile

tanismom's picture
Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 717

Samantha! I'm so sorry that you're going through this too! Our situations are so close, it's scary. Yitzchak will be just 4, but Asa'el is just a month older than Kiera. It's seems so overwhelming. TG I will be able to send Asa'el to daycare next year, so assuming I can recover well from the birth, I will be able to continue giving classes at my health center soon after the baby is born. but there isn't any compensation for business owners for maternity leave and DH won't be around because he works at the largest winery in Israel, and this baby is due right at the beginning of the harvest! He will be working 12 hour shifts, one week days and one week nights for 2-4 months!
And we are still don't know where we are moving or when exactly. There is a house available in the village we want to go to, but since it's a gated community, we have to go through an acceptance process and the committee hasn't been able to meet with us yet! I'm pretty confident that we'll be accepted, but we can't do anything until it happens and it's so frustrating and unnerving! (btw, "gated community" here does not mean what it means in other places. It doesn't mean we're moving to a high end, ritzy place. the acceptance thing is more of a security issue than anything else! to borrow the hashtag fad from twitter: #yesILiveinaWarzone!)
But I heard a rumor that we are going to be able to have a meeting next week, and I managed to contact the secretary of the community today and confirmed that there is room in the pre-school, the daycare and even the day camp - which we would only need if we manage to be able to move by July 1st.
I'm still overwhelmed, and scared. But expressing it really helped. And writing it out here and getting the support from you girls helped me phrase it right to talk to DH and another IRL friend and that has also helped. And even though things are not finalized, there are good things happening, I just have to have faith that they will all fall into place in the right time and everything will work out.

ILoveMyMiniMe's picture
Joined: 12/11/03
Posts: 2333


God WILL provide for you, friend! Trust in His plan for you and your family and life will be GOOD!! Much love and prayers coming your way as you struggle with finding at least some good in each day! :comfort: Let go, let God! :grouphug:

tanismom's picture
Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 717

thanks girls. still more to the saga, but at this point, I feel like waiting until the dust settles before posting more of the story - b/c every time I think I've come to terms with whatever seems to be happening, it changes! Soooo let's hope some clarity comes around really soon! Just praying!

Lizbet22's picture
Joined: 04/01/09
Posts: 2859

Hugs sweetie!!!
Just know we are here when you want to sound off okay!!

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

I hope everything turns out well for you. Finances are an issue in a lot of families (including mine) - I hope you can find a way to get through it, and I hope you get in to the house you want. I hate renting as well, I feel like I can't do anything at all and I've gotten to the point where I have just...given up my hope of buying a house. (((HUGS)))

Just to throw this in there - I've been depressed for years. I came off my meds a year or so before I got pregnant. I went back on them in month 8 of pregnancy because things got overwhelming. Now that I have the baby? They upped my dosage because I cry ALL THE TIME. Don't feel bad if you need to vent or ask for help. (((More hugs))))