Baby Journal : Needed to Vent
Hey everyone i'm Camille Madden. I was married 2 years ago in Jamaica to my love-bunny Josh. Josh and I met 6 years ago at an art program at Moore College of Art in Philadelphia. Our love story was funny, he was mean to me and treated me like a stupid child (I'm only a year younger than him) and I hated him. We didnt really stay in touch after our program was over, but one day lucky me happened to see Mr.Personality on the train on the way into Center City. Now I'm not the rude type so I said hi. He had the same smirk on his face as he did when we used to take art class when I was 16. He asked me what college I was going to, since I was a high school senior at the time. I told him community as of now and he laughed. "Drexel University" he said smugly. That night I was accepted to Penn State. I remember calling him of all people to tell him the news. For some reason I wanted his approval. Oh boy oh boy , we ended going out to dinner at Fridays, and then we went to the art museum. It brought back memories of our Future Artists of the World program. I began to feel different for him. He actually smiled at me like he cared. From that day on I started planning the wedding :D .
He proposed to me officially 2 years later when I was in college. We had stayed together, and since our personalities clashed, I felt as though he was right for me. I hate it when people agree with me on everything, since I'm very competetive. But yeah, we got married, but not in a church like I had wanted. His parents were assholes and didnt want to have a church wedding, and my family was arguing over every little detail. So I called my mom, 5 of my best friends, my aunt, and 5 of his friends and we had a small wedding in Negril,Jamaica. Beautiful :)
I found out I was pregnant in September. My final year of classes and then my real life began. Boy was I in for a surprise. I woke up my husband and told him the good news but he didnt believe me. He said I just wanted a baby to take care of, since a couple of my relatives and friends just had babies or were expecting. I showed him the test. Neither of us slept that night.
So all was well during the pregnacy, I had a little bit of morning sickness but I am constantly ill because of allergies, so it didnt kill me. I didn't gain much weight but my belly got HUGE. The doc said I was due probably around June 2. I was upset at Josh because this was my last summer before I joined the "working class". As I rubbed my growing belly though, I forgave Josh. I couldn't wait to hold my baby. Josh and I imagined a precious baby girl, whom we would name Liliana, Lilli for short. But ever since I was little, I believed I would have a boy first. That feeling didnt go away. As Josh and I imagined our baby boy, we couldnt think of a name, We figured when we met him then we could name him.
We didnt expect to meet him until June 2.
Well another surprise.
We met him May 14.
May 12, around 8 PM I began to bleed. I of course went into a state of panic and called my husband. I was actually out eating with my best friend and a couple other friends when I went to the bathroom for the 4th time. I saw some blood, but I didnt want to panic. I told my friends and we drove straight to my condo. While I was on the phone, my hubbie was chewing me out for not going straight to the hospital, but I told him I needed to pack emergency stuff. He told me to *%!*@ the emergency stuff (which he never uses profanity) and get my *** to the hospital. The baby was kicking a storm, which was a good sign.
The hospital wasn't far from my condo, so I went home anyway. I remember being in such a state, that I didnt want to go to the hospital because I was afraid of them telling me I needed a c-section. I believed that it would stop on its own (I was in denial, because I had come so far, without any problems). My friends ran upstairs and grabbed the overnight bag, I had packed months ago. I am a perfectionist and I make lists for everthing I do, so I had already set up a diaper bag, and an overnight bag. They grabbed it and I went to bathroom again. I was still bleeding, and it was pretty heavy, about the same amount I get during my period. I remember crying as we drove to the hospital, but I wasn't in any pain.
When we got there my baby had stopped kicking. I felt guilty, scared, and angry, but mostly scared. I just wanted my baby to kick me like he always did. The doctors told my friends to wait and took me into a room. My best friend Ana was holding my hand until they closed the curtains. She had a 2 year old son, my godson who had been sick, so she knew how I felt with the whole mommy fear thing. The doctors examined me and told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. I called Josh again, but he was already 5 minutes away. As they wheeled me down the hall, I told my friends to go on home, Josh would be here. Ana refused, saying she would get her husband to watch their son for the night. The others went home though, which I was relieved. I didnt want an ordeal. I wasnt sure if my time with my baby was gonna be short, and if it was, I didnt want a big fuss. I just wanted a quiet room so I could spend as much time with my baby as possible. The only ones I wanted in that waiting room were my husband, mom, and 2 best friends.
When Josh got to the hospital, all I could see was sadness in his eyes. He looked so calm though. Nobody knew what was wrong all we knew was that they wanted to do an emergency c-section right away. I flat out refused. I wanted a vaginal birth no matter what. The doctors didnt really agree with that decision, I could tell by the look in their eyes. But they induced anyway. I'll explain the exact diagnosis later and why I was bleeding in another post. The next morning I was in so much pain I went for the epidural. It was mothers day and Josh and Ana had decorated the room with these helium balloon things, and gave me a card and cake. That made me feel happy, but it was bittersweet, because I wasnt sure if my baby would survive. I was happy though as rubbed my belly. I was so tired that entire day and I was barely dialated. It took me 25 hours to get to 10 cm ( the doctors nearly did a c-section on the spot, I know they wanted to) and a day after being induced I was ready to push. I remember feeling so blurry, and they grabbed my legs but I kept kicking. I was screaming for my baby because I felt pressure and then I couldnt stop pushing. The nurse told me I would burst the vessels in my eyes if I didnt stop. Josh was holding my hand but I demanded he leave. I was so in shock at the moment that I remember cursing him out. I told him if he ever stuck that thing in me again I would kill him ( poor Josh, it wasnt his fault hes a man). I wasnt necesarily in pain, but I felt such a strong pressure it was really uncomfotable. Finally I felt the pressure lift. The doctor held up my baby and I saw my little one for the first time. A boy :male: I asked to hold my baby, but they said they had to do some tests. So Josh and I waited. He was crying which was a good sign, and although the doctors were working very seriously, my heart didnt drop completely to the bottom of my stomach. Finally they wrapped him up in a fuzzy blue blanket and handed him to...JOSH! I was pissed. :evil: The doctors started poking around checking for tears I guess. I really didnt care, all I wanted was my baby. Josh handed him to me and for the first time, I understood what unconditional love truly was. Of course I loved him in utero, but to hold him close to me, I loved this little person more than anything in the world. I had him for about 5 minutes before they took him away again. But this time he made a cute little yawn and the nurse brought him to my face to give me a kiss on my cheek. When my son kissed me with his tiny little lips I started to cry. I didnt want them to take him from me, but Josh told me it was ok. My feelings of hatred for Josh and all things male, left me and once again I loved my husband. But I told him I would never have sex with him again :fu2: even if I was grateful for our son.
Apparently the doctors were surprised that things went so well with the labor because they all kept saying what a good job I did, and how lucky I was. They really thought a C-Section was best, but in my heart I knew that wasnt the right choice for my body.
So! Anyway...everything was clear as far as lung development and those things. He was only 5lb 6 ounces. Hes so tiny, I was in the nursery looking at all the other babies and they are all plump, but hes so little. I felt so guilty that I couldnt carry him full term, but i'm glad he's alive. According to Josh, the doctors didnt expect him to be born alive, and the cord was around his throat on top of everything else. So many problems, but my little boy's a fighter.
By the way, on Wednesday, I finally picked a name. For some reason I was looking through books and I actually liked something.
His name is Kaylem Angelo Madden. So baby Kaylem likes his name, because he coos everytime I say it. I gave him a spanish middle name since my dad is Dominican, and Kaylem is something that stuck out to me. Everything else was so blahh, I hope that I don't meet a lot of Kaylems now that I think the name is unpopular. I will probably meet like 10 :pissed:! My son is so sweet, well.... all he does is yawn and stretch and cry. But I think hes sweet, and Ana calls him her little peanut. Josh is so proud. By Tuesday he had a camera and phone full of pictures, and his friends were visiting. I never imagined Josh to be a father when I met him, but he's so natural. He seemed like a loner...I dont know. Well all I know is that I came home Friday, and Kaylem didnt. They said it was standard for a preemie to stay longer. I understand but I want my baby home with me. We just bought an adorable bassinet/co-sleeper for the bedroom. The nursery isnt even close to what I want. We have everything, but I thought I would be setting it up with Josh and our friends this past week and this week coming. But instead I have a baby. Im so glad we bought the travel sytem already though. As soon as the doctor gives the OK, we are gonna bring him home, and we already have our carseat ready and everything, so until then, Im gonna sit here and wait. I'm glad I got a chance to write this down. I really needed to vent.
Anyways...I will post pictures of Kaylem soon as I get my camera set up on this PC. But right now, i'm so tired...I feel like i'm gonna pass out. Nighty Nights! Wish Kaylem good health! :sleepyboy: