Sorry this is late! Welcome to your lodge!
Amber, welcome to your lodge!!
Welcome to your lodge. Can't wait to get to know you better.
And the countdown begins!
Yay me! I have a lodge!
Where do I begin? A little about me I guess. My name is Amber, I'm 28 years old, married to Mike who is 38. We met online back in 2005, were engaged 8 months later, got married 7 months after that, and were pregnant with our first baby Evan, five months after we were married! We eloped in NYC and were married on a dinner boat cruise that went around the city. It was very nice.
Evan is the love of our lives. He'll be 3 years old in October. He was born in a free standing birth center with midwives in Chapel Hill NC, at the only birth center in the whole state actually. The midwife that delivered me when I was born, delivered Evan when he was born. It was pretty awesome. His birth story is here: http://naturalbirthingmama.blogspot.com/2008/05/evans-birth-story-graphic.html
It's pretty long, so the short version is my water broke around 11pm with a slow trickle, so slow I thought I was peeing on myself at first. Contractions started about 2 hours later at 1am. We labored at home until 6am when I told my husband that if we didn't leave, we were going to get stuck in rush hour on I-40 and I had no intentions of sitting in rush hour while in labor. I was 5cm dilated when we got to the birth center, and immediately started vomiting. Oh the fun of that! I had to get an IV with antibiotics because I was GBS +, hated that too. As soon as they were finished I got in the tub and that was HEAVEN! I dilated from 5-8 in the tub, but it was so peaceful I slept between contractions. The midwife actually thought my labor stalled but a cervical check revealed she was wrong. They had to re-heat the water, which made me hot, so I got out and sat on a birth ball in the shower. I hit transition after just 1 contraction in the shower and it SUCKED! My husband got in there with me. We had done Bradley and he knew just how to coach me. The only thing that got me through that was staring into his big brown eyes. I think we fell so much more in love with one another at that very moment. I didn't stay in the shower for too long. When my midwife heard me saying, "I changed my mind, I don't want to do this, I just want it to stop so I can go home" LOL she knew what was going on. She had me get out of the shower and get dried off and I laid down on the bed so she could check my progress. I just had a tiny rim of cervix left, but she said I could push past it. I started pushing...and that felt SO good compared to the contractions! I pushed about 45 minutes and delivered Evan, all 9 lb 12 oz of him. His head was trying to come out a little sideways, hence the uneven cervical dilation. In all, my labor was 9 hours from the first contraction, to holding my baby in my arms.
We started TTC this baby when Evan was a year old. After a year of trying, we had some tests run. Everything came back fine with me, but hubby's sperm count was low, even though the doc originally said it was fine. I don't know why she lied initially. I just got a phone call one day saying she had looked at it again and noticed some of his numbers were very low. Talk about a slap in the face. Then I remembered something...I remembered when we were TTC Evan, my hubby was on some fertility supplements, so we started those again. I know they're not supposed to work as quickly as one month, but they did for us. I was pregnant the next month! In all, it took us 14 months to conceive this little girl.
This go around, we're doing some things differently, even though Evan's birth was pretty perfect. I did not enjoy the intense pressure I felt during Evan's labor, so I am doing Hypnobabies this time, which I know will help. We're also delivering at a different birth center, because we moved 2 hours from the area we used to live in. I actually have to drive across state lines this time into SC to deliver this baby, which will take 40 minutes if there is no traffic. I originally wanted a homebirth, but after working so hard to get out of debt for the past 4 years, I refused to put my family deeper in the hole, even though I know it would have been worth the money. My insurance is covering the birth center birth at 90%, so we'll owe about $300-$400 in total when it's all said and done, compared to $2500 or more.
So that's my story...
Oh...the birth center I go to requires a MD to sign off that all patients are low risk sometime in the last 6 weeks of their pregnancy. I went and had that done a couple of weeks ago. Fun...now I remember why I avoid OB's offices like the plague! He is so convinced that I'm going to birth a hippo, and wanted me to have an ultrasound to check her size. I told him no thanks, I've birthed one big baby, I can birth another. And he too wanted to argue that I have gestational diabetes, even though I told him that I check my blood sugar from time to time just to prove that I DON'T. The birth center doesn't make us test for that, so I opted out. I also opted out of getting tested for GBS. So anyway, I'm having a big baby. I don't think she's bigger than Evan, but she'll probably be his size.
YAY! Welcome to your lodge! Great intro. You'll have no problem with this girl at delivery, I'm sure. My guess is she'll be 9lb 4oz. That's only cause my firstborn was a boy who weighed 1oz more than your firstborn. And my second was a daughter who weighed 9lb5oz.
Welcome to your lodge! Loved your intro! Can't wait to follow you through this birth!
Welcome to your lodge! Great intro, it was good to learn more about you. I still can't get over your visit to the Doc. a while back to get signed off for the birth center, kills me.
Yeah that guy was a real treat for sure! The worst part...he's supposed to be NCB friendly and totally supportive of midwives. If he's the best we've got in that area, we're in real big trouble!
Welcome to your lodge! great story
Oooo great intro!! I would have loved to birth at the birth center, but they won't take me as a vbac It is really odd too that it is the only one in the state. I'm glad everything has worked out with the BC. Do they have really nice rooms and stuff? I would have picked a BC over a homebirth if it was available... just so I don't have to keep my house so dang clean all the time in anticipation of having people over lol.
Welcome to your lodge! I loved reading your intro, especially the part about you getting through labor by looking into DH's big brown eyes. So sweet!
Yeah Ariel, for some reason they'll only take you if you're c/s occured under their care. What I don't know, is would they take you for baby #3 after you already have a successful VBAC under your belt? Hopefully one day soon the state of NC will WAKE UP and be more friendly toward midwives.
BTW...there used to be another birth center in NC, it was in High Point, that's where my baby sister was born. Before that, there was one in Siler City, that's where I was born, along with my 2 sisters and brother.
Here are some pictures, since posts don't mean a whole lot without them...
Our wedding day, July 2006
My birthday, December 2006, in NYC again
24 weeks pregnant with Evan
Evan, about an hour old
Complete disbelief that this big baby in my hands, was in my body just a few hours earlier! And I managed to push him out without drugs!
Me, Mike, Evan and Maureen, the midwive who delivered me in 1981, and Evan in 2007
Right after we got home from the birth center, we were there for 10 hours after Evan was born.
Evan looks white here, but I promise Mike is the daddy, lol
Evan with his Aunt Sarah
Such a happy baby
Gotta love these
Before his first haircut:
After his first haircut (he wasn't feeling it, lol)
Family shot, around 1 yr of age
And now...this pregnancy, maybe the only belly pic I've taken the whole time
I loved your intro and the pics you posted are just wonderful, you have a beautiful family!
TFS the pics! Evan was such a cute baby! I love the pics where his hair is long enough that you can see all of the curl in it. It is beautiful!
Welcome to your lodge! I enjoyed reading your intro. If you don't mind me asking....what fertility supplements was DH on? My BIL and SIL have been trying for quite sometime without luck. It came back that his numbers are quite low. Anyway...I look forward to following you on your journey!
This is what he took. It's expensive, but I had already researched all the ingredients before, and found that it comes out quite a bit cheaper just to buy this supplement. And...it worked for us, so it was worth every penny IMO.
When we were trying with Evan, we both took FertilAid, it's about $35/mo, but it doesn't have as much in it, and it took us longer to conceive Evan on it.
Hope that helps.
Before I begin with my prenatal appointment update from this morning, let me tell you all how last night went. It was miserable. I was so tired and laid down to go to sleep, and the minute I did, little Miss Lindy decided that it was time for her to squirm, roll, kick, poke, prod, etc. She did this NON STOP! She would jab her head into my bladder and cause an awful feeling there. There was no way I could sleep. On top of all that, my legs were restless so nothing was comfortable. My DH tried scratching my back to help me sleep, but that didn't work because he fell asleep before I did. Then he started snoring. I just couldn't win. I got up and laid on the couch until 2am watching tv (Food Network I think) and finally fell asleep in there. I got up and got in the bed sometime around 3 I think. Then my DH got up to get ready for work at 4:30...so, I was awake again. :mad:
I woke up this morning, obviously tired, but cramping enough that I didn't feel good. My stomach was not happy either. I wouldn't call it diarrhea, but it was close (sorry TMI). It took me longer than normal to get ready for my prenatal appt because I just didn't feel very peppy this morning.
So DH goes with me to the appointment (he goes to all of them once I hit the weekly appts). I gained 0.2 pounds since last week, and a grand total of 15 all pregnancy. I started out quite overweight so that was to be expected. My MW keeps asking if my appetite is ok. It is, I eat all the time. This just seems to be the only time in my life that I don't gain weight, lol.
My BP was 119/80 which is pretty awesome! I've had 2 MD's tell me that they think I've got blood pressure problems, and it's solely because 1)I'm overweight and 2)I have serious white coat syndrome. I NEVER have a problem when I take it at home, or when my MW takes it. I was pretty happy about the BP.
My MW felt around on my belly, and it turns out that little Miss Lindy has now positioned herself on my left side like I've been trying to get her to do but she's previously refused. I guess that's what she was doing last night, trying to get turned from the right side to the left. She's still head down, and her heartbeat was awesome, 150's I think.
We discussed the fact that I've been having what is either more/stronger BH or very very mild contractions for the past few days. I don't know which it is really. I never had BH with Evan, and when I went into labor with him it hit me full force, they never petered around, so I really don't know anything except full blown labor contractions. That combined with the crampiness and loose BM this morning made my MW raise an eyebrow.
I honestly don't know what to think. On one hand, I am ready. I have some pretty uncomfortable SPD and I would really like to be able to move without being in so much pain all the time. The chiro helps, but only for a limited amount of time. I'd have to be married to a chiro to get constant relief. On the other hand, I'm not ready. My house is a mess, I have no food in the kitchen and I don't think I'm good enough at Hypnobabies yet for it to help me. I don't know. I know she'll come when she's ready, and I'll be ready then...but I'm way over thinking things right now, and probably about to drive my husband nuts.
So that's my story for today. We're pretty sure I won't go to my due date which is 9/7, I just don't know how early she might arrive. Evan was born at 39 weeks to the day. My husband would be happy if I went into labor right now, he is ready for a vacation from work, lol. It's so hard to be patient once pregnancy hits this point!
Beautiful pictures! I can't get over how much hair Evan came out with! And only 10 hours in the BC...that sounds great!
I didn't realize, I was a natural birth in 1981 too! We're the same age.
You are so pretty! You have a beautiful family. Sounds like everything is go for birth. Now the waiting game... so exciting!
Beautiful pictures! I can't get over how much hair Evan came out with! And only 10 hours in the BC...that sounds great!
I didn't realize, I was a natural birth in 1981 too! We're the same age.
Yep, a head full of hair, and none of it ever fell out! I hope Lindy is the same way. I had no idea we were the same age! I'm a December baby, what month were you born?
Amber, welcome to your lodge!!! I am so excited that you are full-term now and I cannot wait to come and visit you after the birth and meet Lindy. Soooooo exciting
Love all the pics! Your wedding pic is so beautiful and Evan has some amazing hair with those curls!
Sorry it was such a rough night sleep. Ugh, my DH gets up at 4:00am for work too and it kills me that of all times pregnancy is when I can't go back to sleep once he is up.
Great stories! I love your pics. You have such a beautiful family! The pic of Evan after his first hair cut is just too much cuteness! Yay, you're full-term now!
I'm a (November) 1981 natural birth baby as well! Year of the Rooster represent!
I wrote this post earlier, but lost it. Boo.
Anyway, I love your pictures, and you have a gorgeous smile! I especially like the picture where you're sitting in the chair admiring your sweet baby.
I'm glad Lindy got herself into position, but sorry you had to sacrifice a night of sleep to get her there!
Youhave a beautiful family! I love Evan's curls!
SOrry you didn't have a great night last night, but at least Lindy got herself into a great position for you!
I know I just turned 37 weeks, but I'm ready to be done with this pregnancy. I don't want anyone to get me wrong, I'm very thankful that God gave me this baby. We tried for 14 months before I got pregnant, so I don't like to complain. However, I have been in near constant pain since I was about 10 weeks pregnant and I am at the point where it's really wearing on me. I apparently produce relaxin in HUGE quantities and it shifts my pelvis and causes sciatic pain. I've seen a chiropractor regularly and I love her, but I can't go every single day, and at this point that is what it would take to keep me comfortable. On top of the sciatic and lower back pain, I've also got some awful symphysis pubis pain. My midwife gave me some Arnica to help with it yesterday, but I can't purchase it locally and would have to order it online. The problem with that is that 1) it would take a few days to get here, and 2) I would have to pay $10 for the arnica and $9 for shipping. To me, that is insane. Anyway...it's to the point where I try not to leave the house. I feel seriously confined, and I can't even do housework while I'm here because moving hurts. I also can't play with my little boy because of walking/bending, etc causing pain. I went to the grocery store last night (well, 3 of them actually) because I wanted my kitchen stocked in case I do go into labor and we needed food to take to the birth center. Man...that made me miserable. I don't send my husband to the store because he tends to spend 2-3x the money I do, and we're on a budget so that doesn't work.
So anyway, that's my whine for the day. I just want to have this baby. I hope she's ready soon because mama needs to feel better! I've been in pain for too long!
You poor thing, being in pain for so long. ((HUGS)) Hang in there!
I can totally relate! My hips/back started hurting when I was around 10-12 weeks also - I see a chiro 3x a week plus acupuncture 1x - it's still not enough. My left leg feels like it is ripping from my body a lot of the time. I hope you get some relief soon.
I'll ask my friend MamaArty_RMT to check in here, Amber. She's a massage therapist by trade and I'm sure has some stretches and things you can do to help with the pubic symphesis pain.
I'm a January '81 baby.
I didn't count the actual weeks and days of this pregnancy until recently. Some weeks I didn't even know exactly how far along I was unless I asked my husband or looked at my ticker, lol. That's how fast time was flying. Now...it's dragging. Hmmff.
My husband took today as a "mental health day" because they're aggravating him big time at his job. He's really looking forward to Lindy coming so he can get some time off, and for his sake, I wish I could speed this up. I guess that's not the right motivation to have, I know. It was nice spending some time with him though, when usually it's just me and Evan. We got to sleep late, and then he even went to run errands with me. Then when we came home he helped me clean the house since his sister is flying in tomorrow for a visit and to pick out an apartment since she is moving here from CT. He actually did most of the cleaning, I just kind of waddled around looking pitiful and trying to get out of my bad mood. I married an awesome guy, I really feel sorry for him when I'm pregnant. Not only does he have to deal with the mood swings and the hormones, but the poor man gets no action for nearly the whole pregnancy thanks to my back/pelvic issues. And if I tear like I did with Evan, there will be nothing going on for a minimum of 8 weeks. I had a bit of a traumatic experience after Evan's birth. I only had a small tear, but it was enough that I required stitches. Well, I think I got stitched up a little too tightly and at 5 or 6 weeks postpartum, whenever it was, that we felt in the mood, lets just say the tear was reopened and I've never seen that much blood in my life, not from AF, not from childbirth nothing. Totally traumatizing. I think it still affects me a little bit to be honest with you.
Anyway, that was my day. I've had a few contractions off and on, but nothing serious. I think she has descended into my pelvis a little more because of the way it feels down there. We did make it to the chiropractor today, who was able to relieve some of the pain, but a lot of it is back, and it's only been 4 hours since we were there, so that's another reason I think she's lower and putting more pressure on my pelvis.
How are you feeling today, Amber?
Arnica is also very good for after birth healing if you decide to get some because you will be able to use it. I do agree $19 is a crazy price. You can't get it at a natural food store...that is weird and unfortunate.
ouch, I'm so sorry to hear about your tear re-opening after Evan's birth. I can understand why that would be traumatic for you. I tore with DD but not at all with DS. I hope this one goes better for you!
You can buy arnica on Amazon for like $8.00 or so (the boiron arnica 30x pellets, there are like 80 pellets in a bottle.) I use arnica gel and pellets a lot. It's great stuff.
sorry I am just looking at this now...trying to catch up. you have such a beautiful family. LOVE the pic with Evan's hair sticking up in the bath sorry to hear your symphysis pubis is giving you so much pain hope you find some relief
I'm so glad to get to follow this lodge!!! Your pictures are absolutely beautiful!
Oh, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has this weird, paradoxical, difficulty gaining weight while pregnant thing. I have absolutely no problem packing on the lbs when no pregnant, but knock me up and for some reason my metabolism kicks in.
I hope this kiddo doesn't keep you waiting long. Sounds like you're in misery at this point.
I think she dropped. It was the weirdest feeling. I know that she had descended a bit from what my MW said, but I think she's dropped even farther. I was in the bathroom today (TMI) having my 2nd BM of the day (not normal for me) and while I was in there I could seriously feel her head move down. It was the oddest sensation. After that, my belly looked lower, my pubic area was much more tender, and my lower back hurt more as well. I wonder how long I'll be walking around like this?
My husband's sister and aunt came over this evening and we took Evan to a neighborhood party sort of thing, which he wasn't interested in at all because they have those inflatable bounce houses and he's so scared of those. I was out in the NC summer heat for about 2 hours, trying to stay off my feet, but it didn't work too well. I am exhausted beyond words right now.
I almost forgot, we went to a dinner prep place this morning and picked up some pre-made meals for the freezer. With my back the way it is, I can't stand on my feet for very long periods of time, so I couldn't make them myself. I was lucky enough to find a lady who ran a business that isn't a franchise and I've read excellent reviews about her dishes, so I hope they're as good as everyone says they are. Now my husband has food to fix for us after Lindy is born, with very simple directions. He basically has to pop it in the oven and that is it.
Good night ladies...I'm off to bed.
The tear incident sound terrifying. I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is great baby is moving down. The frozen meals are a great idea. I wish we had something like that here.
Wow. I had a lot of catching up to do. Getting married on a dinner cruise boat sounds awesome! I'm not a fan of big weddings. I loved all of your pictures. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. Maybe Lindy will come soon since it seems she's dropped so low.
I love weekends! I get to hang out and spend time with my wonderful husband, and now this weekend has come to an end. I'm going to pout for a minute.
Today started out rocky, but ended up pretty darn good. My husband didn't sleep last night because he hates his job and staying up on Saturday night is a weird way of prolonging the weekend. Of course that means that he wants to sleep Sunday away, but I didn't let that happen today. We needed to go to my dad's house so he could fix my car window (automatic window motor thing stopped working) and they invited us to eat lunch with them. I did NOT want to take Evan by myself. I don't like taking him myself any more than I have to these days because the terrible 2's have hit and he doesn't listen to me at all, no matter what I say, do, or what punishment is inflicted upon him. So frustrating! Anyway, I had a meltdown this morning because Evan kept telling me no to everything I said, and then peed on the floor and I fell apart because our 2 dogs have started peeing on the floor. I told Mike that everyone in our house pees on the floor except for me and him, and if my water breaks in a huge gush, then I'm out too (even though that's not pee), lol...that made him laugh. Anyway, it resulted in a huge pregnant hormonal breakdown and I cried for a good half hour. My husband decided he would get up and go with me then, even though he didn't want to. He admitted later that he had a really good time, much better than if he sat at home moping around all day. Ya think? lol
My dad is the only person on this planet that doesn't think I'm huge. In fact, according to him, I could go another 3 weeks, lol.
Other than that, I've had a few contractions off and on, but nothing even remotely painful. She's still active, but not as active as she's been. I can feel a little fist above each hip bone, and she moves those around a lot, plus some little kicks up at the very top of my belly. I'm pretty sure she's facing my back, but I can't be 100% sure about that.
And...it's 9pm on Sunday night and I am in the middle of baking a chocolate cake. I'm thinking that's a little weird. I usually don't bake at this time of night.
I hate the end of the weekend too. I don't even have to go to work tomorrow and I hate it.
I wish I was motivated to bake a cake - it's so hot and humid though, the thought of turning on the oven is too much. I do plan on baking while I am in early labor though.
I think cooking and baking are another form of nesting. I have been doing both like crazy, but never get the urge to scrub anything.
I can empathize on the dog front, too, except in our case it's poop I'm dealing with all time. DS is mostly potty trained, but he still has poop accidents from time to time, and our dog went through a week of needing to go in the middle of the night and finding a convenient place to do so somewhere in the house (thankfully usually on the hardwood floors, so at least easy to clean up), which brought on a poop-related meltdown for me, too.
Glad you had a good weekend with DH and DS!
I woke up this morning and am in so much pain it's almost unbearable to walk. I have SPD and it is a bear! Thankfully, I had scheduled a chiropractor appt this morning at 11, and I'll go again on Thursday if this little girl doesn't make an appearance before then (please God let her come already!) Turning over in bed last night felt like my pelvis was ripping apart. I'm really starting to get a little concerned about delivery. I'm so glad I'll have the birth pool, so I hope that will make some of the positions more comfortable. I'm not even sure I could squat if I wanted to, at least not on dry land. Anyone have experience with this? If so, how did you handle delivery?
I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I had bad spd with my 2nd child. It was awful. How did the chiro go? Hopefully baby will be here soon.
Sorry for all the pain, but I hope you enjoyed your cake!
I haven't dealt with the pubic pain and stuff up until just recently... except last pregnancy. It was so bad!! I totally know what you mean by not being able to hardly walk. Unfortunately, I never found anything to really help when I had it with DD. This time I have done stretches, squats, and exercises from the moment I found out I was pregnant to try to avoid it. It's been much better, but it is finally starting to hit again. Sometimes it helps if I have been laying down to sit up for a few minutes before actually trying to stand. It seems to hurt worse after I have been laying on my side for any length of time.
I'm sorry you are so uncomfortable... hopefully she will decide she's fully baked and you can get some relief.
Amber, keep hanging in there. SPD is no fun! I had it with Will and this time, too. My birth ball helps me to an extent, the chiropractor, too, and for some reason even though walking hurts I feel better after a run. I'm no help in the delivery area, but I have faith that God will give you everything you need to come through it just fine. Hang in there!!
I cannot believe how different this pregnancy is, versus Evan's. I thought that this go 'round I would have a better handle on things, know what to expect and have fewer questions. Umm, no...I think I may have more. In some ways this pregnancy has been better than Evan's was. I was working when I was pregnant with Evan, and this time I've got to enjoy the whole thing from home, with a toddler running around of course. When I was pregnant with Evan, he settled himself into my rib cage and didn't move for an entire month. There were so many days that I cried and cried because my ribs hurt so badly. One day my husband came home from work and I was bawling in the kitchen because standing to cook dinner hurt so bad. Lindy hasn't done that to me. She's moves so much that she's never in one spot very long, so aside from kicking my ribs a few times, she allowed them to go unharmed. I'm also beginning to wonder if she really is going to be as big as Evan, because with him I lost my ability to eat more than a few bits because he squished my stomach so badly. She hasn't done that. Plus, my belly cast looks smaller with her than it did with him, and we casted my belly this time at 37 weeks and a few days. I'm pretty sure my cast with Evan was around 35 weeks and it's definitely bigger than my 37 week cast this time. That makes me feel a little better.
But some things that are very different this time, other than the SPD, are the fact that I had no warning at all when labor might start with Evan. I just got out of bed one night and my water began to trickle. With Lindy, I've been having contractions off and on for about a week or so. They're really beginning to frustrate me because a lot of times they wake me up at night and keep me awake. Last night I was almost convinced that labor was starting the way my contractions felt but nope, here I am, still pregnant.
I know I'm being ridiculously impatient about having this baby, and I'm only at 38 weeks. Having had a natural birth before, and being a previous L&D nurse, I know that she'll come when she's ready and I shouldn't try to rush it. That's a lot easier said than done, especially when every activity hurts so much. So I'm sorry if any of my posts seem repetitive or dramatic or anything of the sort. I think there just comes a point in my life where enough is enough, and I would like to be a functioning human being again without feeling limited and disabled because of this pain. My goal after this baby comes is to get down to a reasonable weight, which means to lose about 80 pounds, in hopes that the next pregnancy will be easier with a lot less pain. I feel like I'm becoming a bad mother to my son, and a bad wife because there are more things that I can't do than I can.
Amber, hang in there!! You are in no way, shape, form or fashion a bad mother or wife. Pregnancy is hard work no matter what size a woman is. Every pregnancy is different and every woman's body structure is different, too....and we change between babies to boot! I am about 60 lbs lighter than I was with Lucas and 40 lbs lighter than I was with Will, but this pregnancy has not been easier. The only difference is that I'm able to stay active. Focus on your health and for now go easy on yourself. Your body has been through a lot the past several months and chasing after a LO while pregnant is no joke. Lindy will be here soon and don't worry about being anxious for her to come. I talk with lots of pregnant moms everyday and I have yet to meet one who doesn't want her baby to go ahead and come. Knowing that it's best for her to stay in there until she's ready doesn't change those feelings. :bighug: