Thank you everyone for your support, and I genuinely, genuinely mean that from the bottom of my heart. It makes a huge difference knowing that there is support here on this board! THANK YOU!
Audra - that's just what I needed today! So I did the next best thing and DH took the girls to Day Care, who have said that they can stay as long as I need them to (and they aren't even going to charge us - I LOVE THEM) - just giving myself a chance to catch up on sleep and rest and preparation.
Since I have again spent more time in the bathroom emptying everything out of me I think there is a definite possibility that things are gearing up for babies. Still no regular contractions (in a pattern anyway) - but probably having several in an hour. I could be totally wrong but my body is doing things that no doubt when I look back, will be obvious as early labour signs...now to see how long this nonsense will go on for! Still double figures (just) until my official "due date" - I could still make it to 40 weeks!
But I think as I am coming to realise that this is actually going to happen soon, I have suddenly got a load of things I need to get off my chest. I hope you don't mind, but I need to offload and I think this is the place I need to do it as I hope that everyone can be supportive! Kind of a "fear release" thing...
Please do not be judgemental, I feel guilty enough as it is....I may go back and edit my words at a later date. However, this is how I am feeling RIGHT NOW, in my tired hormonal state. Kind words only if you feel the need to respond please - I genuinely know how lucky I am and that there are so many people who would love to be in my shoes right now! Anyway:
I don't want to have twins, I never have. That sounds awful doesn't it? Don't get me wrong....I want THESE babies, these EXACT ones that are in my tummy at the moment. I just want them separately, not together - with a gap of about 20 months would be ideal . I'm scared that I won't be able to love them both as much as a singleton, that I won't be able to give them the care and attention that they deserve, that I will neglect my other two children while trying to do basic cares for two newborns. If my two big girls are playing up when I am pregnant now, what are they going to be like when there are two other siblings to take mummy's time? What if I can't cope with four in 3.5 years? Am I going to have Super Nanny do her show on my family???
If I have two of the same gender (and there is a 50:50 chance I will I guess), what if I can't tell the difference between them? What happens if I have a favourite? Will I forget one and leave it somewhere? Will I be able to BF two babies, I managed with my girls until at least 13 months....but if I can't for some reason with these two, what happens then? What if I can only feed one of them? When I am holding them in my arms, how do I know which one to look at? When will I ever sleep again? Will I recognise my DH or will he just be someone holding another child?
WOW, that all came out as I started typing. Quite the therapy I feel better for just getting it out of my head and it no doubt appears completely irrational. Like I say, I may delete this post at a later date when the sleep deprivation and hormones have resolved, but the fears of having two at a time appear different to me at the moment than from just adding another member to the family. Especially when you didn't chose this option with your head, but that your body had everything to do with it!
Sorry for offloading, hopefully you just skipped forward over the boring bits. I actually feel a lot calmer for typing that out, a LOT calmer. Right now, I am going to go and make the most of my child free time and have a nap....
DD3 & DD4 03/11
I don't think your fears are irrational at all! It shows that you are a good mom that you are even worried about these things. You will have the strength, patience, love that you need when you need it. You wouldn't have been given the chance to be the mom of twins if you didn't have the capacity to do so. You must be an amazing woman to be trusted with 2 at once. Hugs, you can do it!
Oh hun those fears are totally NORMAL. Seriously, please don't beat yourself up. In the end it will all work out and you will find your way. I can't imagine how overwhelming the idea of having twins is. I mean just having one sometimes overwhelms me. Really, hugs to you. I mean look at me, I just had a major freak out, lol and everyone was very nice about it
Christy birth doula, Hypnobabies instructor, small business owner & most importantly MOMMY.
Vent away girl! I love it when Mom's voice their fears! I would hate twins as well! I am sorry you are having a tough time.
By the sounds of things I think your 2 week prediction should be a 2 day prediction! It sure sounds like things are happening! It was so nice of the daycare to take the girls!
Take care of yourself!!!
Everything your are feeling seems very very normal!!!! I think I would be thinking all the same things if I was pregnant with twins! I am sure that it will be quite hectic for a while but when you all adjust it will just seem normal. Once they are here in your arms I am sure you will feel a lot different. Right now all you can think about is how hard it is going to be but once you see those sweet little faces I think it will be somewhat easier! I don't think you have any problems with loving one more than the other or forgetting one somewhere lol
By the sounds of it you are going to be meeting these little babes soon!!!!! So excited for you and cannot wait to hear your birth story!!!!
DS Ethan 1/29/08,
DD Lola 2/2/10
DS2 Weston 2/18/12
Those all sound like totally normal concerns! You'll make it through and those four kids of yours are going to be the best little buddies
I'd be more concerned about a mom getting ready to have twins who WASN'T having those fears! I get totally overwhelmed thinking about having ONE baby! I think it's completely normal, and as someone else said, it shows that your a good mom that you're concerned about it! I think there are a lot of situations in life that we look at (before we've gone through them) and wonder how we could possibly get through it, but when we're faced with it, we find that we have the resources to make it work, and even to find and appreciate the joys in the midst of the hardships (and to me at least, the sleep deprivation that comes with the newborn stage is definitely a hardship! Lol!) I have no doubt that you will figure out ways of making everything work, and although it might be a little hectic at times, you will come through it with flying colors! I don't think there's anything wrong with being honest and realistic about how we feel.
Thank you for all your support, it means a great deal to me!
Just to keep you informed - I slept most of today, I honestly have no idea when I was asleep....apparently DH called a couple of times to see how I was, but I didn't even hear the phone. I think just acknowledging my fears helped switch my brain off and I just crashed. Totally crashed. Feeling a lot better now .
It's just tough admitting that having twins isn't what I would have chosen for myself or my family, especially as others (including a number of my friends) have so much trouble with infertility. It is the unknown...and very daunting to know that the next year IS going to be hard work and primarily it will be all down to me to care for all four of my babies. However, I am looking forward to when the four of them can play and interact with each other, it will be great for them all to grow up together. I am from a family of four children (admittedly spread over 7 years rather than half that ) and couldn't imagine life without my siblings so I know that they will be very lucky.
On other pregnancy news, one of the babies has definitely dropped into my pelvis this afternoon / evening. This has never happened in my previous pregnancies until labour and I am discovering the joys of the "ouch" factor that others have told me about. I have discomfort going into my groin and hiccups in a place I have never felt before! I am going to go to bed again soon ( - as if I have done anything else today!) so no doubt the baby will probably pop back out again overnight!
Small steps....tomorrow is the weekend for me and it will be single digits until my "due date"!
DD3 & DD4 03/11
That's awesome that you've been able to get some great rest!
My babies have never dropped until labour either. I've often wondered what that "bowling ball between the legs" feels like.
DD - Nov/06, DS - Sept/08, DS - Mar/11