A change of energy in your home sounds like a blessing. I hope you enjoy your mother's visit and that she can help you and Kyle out.
Hi Erika - How are you feeling today? How are your precious girls doing? How is Kyle doing? Did your mother come as soon as Kyle's mom left or do you have a lag with no help? You sound like you are taking things one day at a time. I'm so glad you're on something to clear up the breast infection. I understand having one makes you feel as if you've been run over by a truck. Hopefully the Cephalexin will knock it out quickly.
erika.....thinking of you...... i know how kyle feels, that was me after lucy!! she wouldn't nurse, and i had 2 other kids in a private school with no buses. i had to drive both ways. it was nuts!! i know that overwhelming feeling. it does get better, and like you are doing. i stopped looking a week in advance, and just started looking hour to hour and that helped me. i hope he can find a way to settle in. it is alot. but since he is married to you, your strength will help him get through. enjoy your time with your mom, i'm sure she will help you out of survival mode, to mommy mode again. YOUR DOING GREAT!!!!! colleen
I'm tired....but hanging in there. I'm still running a low grade temp and sweating buckets at night. The girls are well. We got the genetics test in the mail and it will be sent out tomorrow. It will be a 7-10 day wait (plus shipping time). Kyle is going back to work tomorrow for the first time since the week before Christmas when he took off to help me when we had the 35 1/2 week labor scare. He's nervous about leaving me, but I keep telling him I have my Mom and it will be fine. His parent left at noon and mine were in around dinner. It was OK but no napping. Things since his Mom have been gone are sooooo much better. i have my happy toddler back. She didn't have a single meltdown today! (and of course Kyle's mom was insistant that she was only like that when me and the babies were around) ahh NO! It's b/c you constantly go a mile a minute, talk so fast nobody can follow you, have totally changed her routine (especially meals) and have totally run the kid ragged - not to mention she was told "NO" more times per hour than I can count. (grrrr) Anyways, Olivia was great today and that alone made me feel better. Tomorrow will be interesting!
I'm so glad to hear things are going better! Between treating the infection, getting Olivia back, better latches, your momma to care for you and your babies! I'm sure that your DH will come around when he sees the change of energy in the house.
You're doing so great! I'm in awe everytime I read through your lodge.
I'm glad things are getting better, Erika! It's amazing how one person can change the whole dynamic of a house, isn't it? I'm glad the ILs are gone. Phew! Enjoy your sweet toddler again.
Oh good, I'm so glad your reinforcements have arrived. People with chaotic energy are SO hard to be around. I can't imagine giving birth to twins, caring for a young child, and having to put up with a someone trying to help me but only making things worse. Did you smudge the house when she left. (I'm only half kidding. :lol:)
I'm sure when Kyle gets back to work and sees that things are taken care of with your mom there he will get a new outlook on things and feel much better.
I can't imagine how tired and spent you must be. You have the breast infection beating you up, and I know that antibiotics can really throw a person for a loop, and of course the latch probs, just having given birth, etc, etc. I'm just shaking my head with admiration for what an incredible person you are. Don't know how you do it.
I am so glad to hear about the energy change in the house. I can't imagine how stressful it was to deal with knowing Olivia was having meltdowns, on top of everything else. It will be so nice for you to know she is more relaxed and her routines are being respected.
I hope that infection goes away completely soon...The stuff that is low grade and lingers on is the worst! Hopefully the girls are nursing better and going to work helps Kyle's mood. I know with my DH, it would make him feel better just to be out in the "real world" where he knows how to make things work. I am sure it is overwhelming not knowing how to "fix" things at home.
Take care of yourself and feel better soon.
Thinking of you and your family. I am really glad to hear that your Mom is with you now, hopefully things are settling down and everyone can relax. Hoping the breastfeeding continues to go better and better.
Thinking of you.
How's it going?
Are you feeling any better?
Is Olivia having fun with your mom?
Is Kyle settling down at work?
Are the twins getting better with breastfeeding?
Goodness, don't answer these questions now. Go get some sleep. Hugs to you.
It sounds like it was a really good thing that your MIL headed back home, just reading your post exhausted me - goodness how did you do it.
I hope your enjoying some rest & time with your mom.
Thinking of you Erika, I hope things are going relatively smooth.
The girls are 2 weeks today and we did a weight check.
Miriam was born 7lbs 6oz she weighs 7lbs 6.5oz
Chloe was born 7lbs 4oz, she weighs 7lbs 7.5oz
Chloe has a pretty good latch now and she is very strong and hearty. She holds her head up quite well. We all laugh at her. She is my fart monster and can really clear a room!
Miriam has been rather pale and seems weaker and more frail. She has a terribly congested nose and has to really struggle still to latch. Miriam was born first and had a much more stressful birth process. ( Chloe was really pinning her in) I haven't brought myslef to be able to write out the birth story yet. I am still process parts of it. But i have started the begining and I'm moving along that pathway.
Both babies exceed 6 wet diapers a day.
Things are soooo much better with MIL gone. We already have some resemblence of a routine or at least a game plan for the day. Kyle is still quite anxious - but he's been better as well. At least he is eating again. (he lost 10lbs) He did a half day and came home early. Tomorrow he plans to go a full day.
I realized today how different this is from my first. I have hardley any pictures of the girls, birth announcements aren't even started, the girls have only had 1 bath, ect.... but hey, everyone is fed and have clean diapers!
You're doing great Erika!
And I'm so glad to hear that Kyle is doing better too.
eh, they don't need baths at this age anyway! Xander had only had 2 at 2 weeks and that was because he spit up so much!
You sound like you're doing much better.
Now, don't rush. but no one else has said it and come on, who isn't thinking it... I'm so anxious to hear the details!!! I want you to have the time necessary to process it all before sharing the details, so i want you to take that time, but man am i curious! I can't wait!
How is Olivia taking their arrival? Aaric was 21 mo when Mikayla was born, and I remember him being curious, but at the same time, really not caring that much. Like, "oh, hmm, look, a baby. that's nice. I'm going to play with my toys now!"
Hurray for a fart monster! (I have a 3 year old one of those.)
And hurray for a vacated MIL and normalcy returning.
Who needs baths? Not newborn babies.
You are sounding good.
No rush about that birth story. Take your time.
Right now, it's more important for us to hear that you're feeling better, the girls are doing well, and life is getting back to same old same old.
Glad things are improving and possibly getting back to normal (or as close to normal as possible with 2 new little ones and a toddler!). Also SO glad BFing is improving and the girls are gaining weight. That's great news!
Take your time processing your birth experience, we'll all be looking forward to reading it when you're ready to share it. You are one incredible mama!!
So glad to hear the update Erika. Very interesting how two little ones can be so different. Thinking of your Miriam and hoping bfing starts to go better with her. Just think - one down, one to go!
And hurrah that Kyle is doing better!
Congrats on the milestones! Two weeks and everyone is up above birth weight. WTG!
Glad the tides seem to be turning...better energy all around.
erika, i'm so glad things are on the upswing!!! good energy is what you needed. rest, heal, and enjoy all 3 of your girls!!!! thinking of you, colleen
It sounds like having your MIL gone really is making such a difference, you sound happier that's for sure.
I didn't bathe Seamus until he was a week old, not even after his birth - I'm not a big bather when their newborn anyways so I agree with the others lol Being fed & warm is the most important part right now.
I'm glad to hear that Kyle is doing better as well, hopefully in another few wks he'll feel even better!
My little Braiden was my pale weak one, he was born first, the TTTS seemed to of gotten to him more than Liam even though Liam's birth was a bit harrier (he went back up in & transverse, so we had a few minutes of panic b/c we couldn't find a heartbeat or anything) but both are healthy & strong now - I think it just sometimes takes these littles of ours awhile to adjust to life & their new bodies.
Erika, I am so glad to hear that things have improved! And baths are overrated Noah didn't have a bath until he was five days old or so, maybe more, and only then because his hair was kind of clumpy- then I think it was about a week before he had another. All they need is food and dry dipes- and you are on top of it! Glad Kyle is returning to a bit of normalcy too.
And along wiht the rest of us, I of course cannot wait to read your birth story, but not until you are ready to share it, there is no pressure here!
Oh Erika, it sounds like you guys are doing wonderfully! Keep up the great work!!! Baths (for mums and kiddos!) are highly over rated, as are clean houses!
You're superwoman, seriously! I know plenty of singleton moms who can't keep their kids cleaned and fed, I will probably join that number.
It's so good to hear Olivia is doing well, and YAY for getting rid of the MIL. When the 'help' becomes more trouble than its worth it is time to part ways.
Little Miriam is definitely in my prayers, she doesn't sound like she's feeling too well
I'm a regular lurker on this board, can't say enough about my awe for your accomplishments, Erika. And my Sophie didn't have a bath until she was a MONTH old :shock: . And she's more than fine a year later! So baths are over-rated, as Sarah says!
Ok, here goes, it's kind of long. Enjoy! (i'll post it under birth stories as well)
The Birth of Miriam and Chloe
Sunday January 7th a day of wonder and curiosity.
I had the dates of the 7th and the 9th in my brain for weeks. Kyle would ask me; "So which is it?" And I would reply; "well, I'm not sure I just know something is happening around those dates." The morning of the 7th my girlfriend Jessica came over and did a belly cast with me. The plaster felt good and cooling on my body and the cast came out perfectly. We joked as she arranged the strips that she would probably have to drive all the way back down to my house that evening to have the babies. Self prophecy? Kyle made arrangement earlier in the week to attend a business dinner being hosted at a new Bonefish restaurant. It was VIP night before opening to the public the next day. The plan was to get a nap in (as I only slept 73 minutes the night before), do a prenatal visit in the afternoon, and then attend a fabulous dinner. So, that's exactly what we did. The prenatal went well. My blood pressure was 102/78, no protein in the urine, no swelling concerns, fundus was measuring 48 weeks and I was dilated to 3+ and 70% effaced. We went upstairs and dressed up and headed out for a great dinner. The restaurant was about 40 minutes away and by the time we arrived I was feeling contractions every 10-15 minutes. Dinner was marvelous. Kyle was invited by a rep. from work and another fellow and his wife (who was 35 wks pregnant) were in our dinner party as well. We joked all night as Kyle kept checking his watch to time contractions that we were going to have a great meal and go home and have the babies. Of course I was looking WAY preggo and the restaurant staff was asking questions and making jokes as well. At the end of the meal I was having a lot of trouble sitting still. Our hosts invited us out afterwards for dessert and coffee, but I told Kyle I thought we should head home as things were really moving along. The people we were with were shocked. They thought we had been joking all night about having the babies that night! We drove home.
Once home we told Gail things were rolling along. We took a few pictures before we changed clothes. Gail came upstairs and checked me, I was 5+ and we listened to the girls' heartbeats. They were perfect 146 and 153. Things were moving along. Gail called Diana and told her to take her time - but to head out. She had a 2 hour drive from Fairfield. I called Jessica, Betsy, Jessica F. and Cossette to tell them things were happening and to be ready for a call later, but not to jump in the car yet. The contractions were coming 5 minutes and less apart and lasting 45+sec but I was getting a headache. (probably from the glass of wine I had through dinner) I wandered around the kitchen on the phone and checked my email. It felt better to keep busy and moving. We were joking in the kitchen about the woman on TV that are yelling "give me the epidural" at 5 cm. Then I was feeling like I needed a task and Kyle got this crazy idea to make homemade cinnamon rolls. HA! So we went upstairs to put some real clothes on and we were going to run to the store to get buttermilk. Doesn't every pregnant woman in labor go to the store to come home and bake? Well, I got clothes on and then the tub started calling to me. I decided I was in the mood to eat cinnamon rolls but not clean up the kitchen. So I stripped down and crawled in the tub for awhile. I was feeling really good and zoning out but my head was really starting to pound. Gail came in to take heart tones and chart and I was finding it very intrusive. She kept flicking on the lights and making too much chit chat about it all. I was getting irritated with it. Diana arrived and I could hear them talking down stairs. I was glad she arrived and hoped she would balance out Gail's energy with some peaceful calmness. At the next charting time they both came up. Gail flicked on all the lights and I asked her to turn them off. Her reply was, "well then I can't see my chart." I replied, "I don't care about your chart." I mean really it's just two heart rates to remember! At 1:30 I had them check me again and I was 7+ I was starting to feel like I was in labor-land. My headache had progressed to a migraine at this point and I was getting tired feeling. I hadn't slept more than an hour and a half the night before. Jessica and Cossette arrived sometime while I was still in the tub. I had to go to the bathroom, so when I was done I decided to try side lying on the edge of the bed. The contractions were more intense but I was able to work through them nicely and the warm blanket felt really good. Kyle sat in front of me on the birthing ball and helped me work things through as needed. My mind was wandering a lot in between contractions. I was irritated with the charting and still struggling with people interrupting my space. I didn't like hearing them whisper talk around me, and I kept getting this sinking feeling that I shouldn't be on my side. I was feeling very negative and I knew I needed to change the energy, but I was busy dealing with a migraine and contractions. Kyle was awesome. He kept giving me liquids to drink, got me ice packs for my head, and rubbed my hands and back as needed. He tells me after the fact that he felt very unsupported b/c nobody else was helping him with me, even when he asked for assistance. I kept asking him, "Is it Ok for me to be on my side?" I think I asked him at least 4 times and I also asked Diana and Gail when they came to check on me. Everyone reassured me that it was fine and that lots of woman birth on their sides. But I continued to have a bad feeling about it and thoughts of hospital transfer kept coming into my mind. I kept shoving the thoughts aside and trying to trust in my body and "set my mind free" I labored on my side from about 2:30 till about 5. Sometime around 5:30 I heard Olivia rustle and start to wake. I had Kyle call my friend Jessica F. and she came to the house in case Olivia was to awaken. Then we decided to try a change of position. I got on the birth ball and Kyle sat in front of me to hold me up. The contractions were intense and very painful through my back. With my belly being so huge, Kyle couldn't reach my back and I wasn't coherent enough to not have someone in front of me. (the bed and tub were both the wrong height and we couldn't get anything else to work) Nobody helped Kyle with me. He went over and asked for help several times. (The other three MW's were asleep on the floor) Finally Cossette came and sat behind me to rub my back and it felt sooooo good. We talked about this later. Cossette felt very awkward b/c technically she wasn't "really" there and it should have been one of the other three birth attendants helping Kyle. She told me after the birth she felt we were very abandoned during the labor process. Regardless, I am thankful she stepped in to help. We labored like this for 2 hours. I was exhausted and a crying mess - my head was still pounding and I continued to have a very uneasy feeling about things. I was having contractions about every 1-3 minutes and lasting about a minute, but I wasn't getting the increasing downward pressure feeling I had remembered with Olivia. I took a break to go and sit on the toilet. It was now about 7am. Jessica and Cossette had gone downstairs. I was back sitting on the birthing ball in our sitting room and I remember feeling like things had slowed down. Kyle left me to go check on everything downstairs and find out what was up with Jessica and Cossette. This is when Gail and Diana came over and approached me with "two choices." I remember feeling kind of hazy and thinking to myself that it was awkward that they would come and talk with me and ask me to make a decision without Kyle there....and even more so that they waited till everyone left. They told me they thought I had two choices: 1. try a manual dilation 2. Break the bag of water on the first baby. For some reason this all didn’t sit well with me. i had a lot of distrust that either of these were a good choice. I could feel the slippery slope and sensed that breaking the bag of water might send us on a spiral towards the hospital or maybe even worse. I was very uncomfortable that they waited till everyone left. Kyle came back upstairs. He told me that Cossette though I should get in the tub. This seemed to make sense. I had tried all these other things and still hadn't done what always feels right to me (squatting in the tub and relaxing to my music). So I stripped back down and got in. The water felt soooooooo good. I was whispering so Gail and Diana couldn’t hear me to tell Kyle the "choices" they had just presented me with. Kyle said, "What are you going to do?" and I replied, "I don’t know that I trust either." I asked me to go back downstairs and talk with Cossette and Jessica about this and see what they think. He left and I sunk into the tub and thought to myself. "darn it...I'm stalling out" my contractions were fizzling out.
Kyle came back up and I told him I was slowing down. He helped me out of the tub. I dressed up warm and went downstairs. Kyle and I bundled up and went outside for some fresh air. We tried to take a walk - but it was very cold and my ears, feet and hands were going numb. I did ballet squats with the contractions and they picked up - but still no intense pressure. We turned around and came back inside and everyone took a break to eat breakfast. I was trying to gather facts from all the people, still harboring a lot of distrust in the choices I was given. We all sat together and at 8:00 decided we'd go upstairs do a vaginal check, see where I was, where the babies were and probably break the water on the first baby. Olivia was starting to wake and I wanted to get back upstairs and out of site before she saw Kyle or me. Up the stairs we went. I lied down on the floor between the tub and the fish tank, on my back. Kyle was to my right. Gail did the exam and said I was still 7+/8 and my heart sank - I KNEW all the side lying wasn't a good thing and that my gut was right, things weren't going good. This next chunk is hard for me to write. Much of it I didn't understand until after the birth. Gail didn't give me anymore information. She kept her hand inside of me and was moving a lot. It was terribly painful. I tried to zone out and focus on my music. I did well with it for awhile but then it started to seem like a long time. I started to loose it and was not coping well with the pain. I kept asking to get off my back, She did break the water and I asked if it was clear - eventually she told me it was. (She didn't break the water until about 10 minutes into this) I kept asking for a break, to get off my back, to get in the water. I wasn't getting answers. Kyle was holding my hand to my right and Cossette got down and took my hand to my left. I was sure I was breaking their hands. My mind was wandering into some very dark places. I didn't understand what was happening or what was taking so long, or how much longer. The room was spinning and I was being told to push - but had no urge to push. I remember thinking "Am I even doing this right?" "Am I even pushing?" I remember hands all over my belly and so much pain. I was screaming in pain and begging to get off my back and I felt very helpless. I heard Kyle telling me I was doing well, that I was amazing. He tried to comfort me and reassure me. The pain was awful and my mind drifted to stories from WWII that my grandfather used to tell me of torture techniques that the Japanese used. My mind was racing and grasping at something to hold onto. This went on for a long time. I remember Kyle, Cossette and Jessica offering ideas and suggestions to Gail - but she just kept deflecting them all. Finally Cossette got her to let me try a squat on the outside of the tub. I was hanging over the tub looking into the water I soooooo wanted to be in. I was trying to bite Kyle's arm and Cossette fashioned a rag for me to bite down on. I felt like I was going to pass out from the pain. All this time Gail still had at least one hand inside of me the ENTIRE time. Finally there was a pause and I felt pressure. Someone asked Gail if I could get in the tub and she said "I don’t think she can even stand up." I heard Jessica, in a harsh tone say to me. "Erika stand up and get in the water NOW." Kyle and Cossette grabbed me and I remember sinking into the water and it feeling so absolutely wonderful. I told Gail not to touch me and put my own hand inside myself. I couldn’t feel the baby’s head and I asked Cossette, "Where is she...I can't feel her." Cossette told me to wait to feel the push and she was going to come. After several pushes I felt her slimy soft head and that is when I felt the power transition back to me. I was at peace amongst the extreme pain. I was in control. I felt her head come down and tried to push gently. The crowning felt so much tighter than with Olivia. Kyle said, "Oh my God you are so amazing Erika." and kissed me." (With Olivia's birth he was behind me and never saw my body open to pass the baby with a full out view) She came out and I caught her My mind immediately said DAMN short cord. I could lift her head out of the water. I went into complete momma bear mode. I flipped my legs over the side of the tub and told Kyle to hold my pelvis up while Cossette grabbed me under the arms. Gail offered to have Kyle cut the cord but it was very awkward and he said to just do it. I caught a glimpse of my daughter who looked very pale to me, but crying strong from the second she was pulled out of the water. After the commotion I remember thinking...."ahhhh now I get a break." I put my legs down and seconds later I felt this horrendous urge to push and said aloud "Oh My God here she comes!" Chloe had no intention of waiting around. She came barreling down the birth canal crowned and 1 push later she was out. Her cord was also short, although about 1 inch longer and I could get her head above the water. Kyle got to cut his first cord. I remember Chloe was bright pink from head to toe, screaming like a banshee, and covered in a lot of vernix. They got all the cords clamped and babies wrapped and then helped me out of the tub. The contractions waiting for the placenta were very intense and seemed a lot worse than with Olivia. I pushed and this giant thing came out. I said "placenta?" and Gail said "No, that's a huge blood clot." A few contractions later the placenta came. They gave me a shot of pitocin to make certain I didn't bleed too much. I originally didn't want it unless necessary - but since I was in the water they a hard time assessing blood loss. After the placenta came I sat up ad was in a blur. Everyone seemed have left me and was attending to the babies. I remember sitting without a baby, confused, shell shocked almost and feeling very disconnected from everything that just had happened. They brought the babies to me and I nursed them both. Gail gave me a sponge bath on the floor and it took 3 people to help lift me from the floor and get me into bed. I was wiped out. Later she checked me and I had one small skid mark on the outside, but no tearing. It was a challenging birth.
Miriam Elizabeth was born at 39 weeks on 1-8-07 at 9:35 am weighing 7lbs 6oz and 22”
Chloe Lyla was born 3 minutes later at 9:38 am weighing 7lbs 4oz and 20.25”
Now to go back to the time on the floor.
I have been very upset with this portion. I have done a lot of processing. I feel like I was not given enough information along the way. Cossette and I talked and agreed that Gail did a poor job of communicating with me. Cossette said technically speaking, things had progressed past "normal" birth and that something needed to be done or we would have transferred. But instead of giving me all the facts and putting the choices in my hands, I felt over run by Gail. I tried to process with Gail and her reply was "well, it was only an hour." Ok.....well it was THE worst hour of my life. She did explain in detail the technique she used. She called it a false pelvic floor. Basically I was a 7/8. Miriam was at -2 station (so she was not engaged against the cervix, which is why we weren't getting more dilation) When she broke the bag of water it trickled instead of gushed. She had hoped that there was a bulging bag and that if it was broken the head would descend - but that didn't happen, Miriam remained very high. Chloe was pinning her in. So she put her fist through my cervix and opened like you would to hold an apple in your fingertips (palm up). This made Miriam think she was hitting bone and she began to turn (she was also posterior) Meanwhile Gail took her other hands and was shoving Chloe over. Diana took both her hands and was shoving Miriam's body (from the outside) into a more vertical position. The hour of HELL was just to get Miriam to a 0 station. Then Gail had to manually stretch the cervix from an 8 to a 10 and get Miriam’s head to stay put (this is what was happening when I was squatting on the outside of the tub). Once the head was remaining through the cervix she let them all get me into the water. The girls' heart rates were perfect through all of this. I harbor some anger with this. If she had checked me and told me ALL the facts and said to me "Erika we can either try this and it is really going to suck and it may take a long time...or we can go to the hospital and try pitocin to get things stronger." I would have chosen to do this at home first - but then it would have been MY choice and instead of feeling forced on my back being tortured and begging for relief. I would have been focused on birthing these babies and giving it my all. This has taken some time b/c initially I felt very violated and very much post traumatic stress kind of a thing. I have come to some peace about it all. I know Gail has excellent clinical skills and I don’t doubt that the technique was used appropriately. I knew when we hired her, that her style wasn’t my ideal. I had hoped the others would balance her out and frankly, I didn’t have many choices. I am sad that she didn't communicate better given there was no concern for the babies or my own health at anytime. I am frustrated that the Diana I knew during prenatal care, didn't come to our birth. She instead became a third limb and deferred everything to Gail instead of balancing out her energy. Cossette was awesome and I am so thankful she decided to come despite the licensure issues. Jessica is another story. I am angry with her for putting my babies at risk (like I said, it's another story) and basically doing absolutely NOTHING during my entire birth except watching. But ultimately I have decided that I just have to trust that everything happened the way it did for a reason. Right now I need my full energy to care for all my girls, my husband and myself. Kyle was AWESOME. He was my strength and at my side every step of the way and I know from the talking we have done that this experience changed our relationship forever.
Wow, I can see why you would need some time to process this, I'm speechless really & in complete awe of you, really Erika I am.
I do have to say that I am dissapointed in Diana and Gail, especialy with how they approached you like that, it seems to me that they REALLY encroached on your personal space as that's when your labor slowed down
My heart also really raced when I read the part about what the midwives were doing to you, that seemed so violating, in so SO many ways & can completley understand your anger - I think communicating with you would of been MUCh better & made such a tremendous difference, I do hope they understand that although it sounds like they don't
Still, what an increadible story, truly increadible. I feel like I can't really express to you how much respect I have, perhaps the words will come later.
Erika, that was an amazing story. You are incredible for getting through all of that. That being said, I'm pissed at Gail for you. You're completely right to be mad at her. She had a responsibility to you to explain what she was doing. Ideally, she should have gotten your consent, but at the very least she should have told you what was going on, rather than leaving you hanging in agony like that.
I'm sorry that you're experience wasn't as positive as you hoped for, but in the end, you did get through it and you managed a sucessful, safe homebirth. You are a goddess. I'm in awe.
Wow. Just . . . . wow. What a story.
I need to read it a few more times to wrap my head around the whole thing, but I just wanted to tell you again what an incredible, strong woman you are.
That was an amazing story. I really appreciate you sharing it. I am in awe of your strength and endurance. I barely have words to describe my feelings but I understand your difficulty with the birth and the loss of control and how you felt about that. I really admire you! Especially for acknowledging you feelings and dealing with them. You are such an inspiration and I have enjoyed your lodge and birth story. It will and has helped me tremendously in preparation for my birth.
wow Erika, reading that made me tear up, but I'm still not exactly sure why....I think probably a few reasons. It makes it very clear to me why you had such a hard time processing it for yourself. I cannot imagine what I would feel about any of it.
Thank you so much for sharing it, I don't know if I could do the same thing in your place. At least not for awhile.
I don't want this to sound like there is any judgement about any aspect of your birth from me, because there really isn't. It's just a little overwhelming. I can say that is was well worth the wait though, and I read it riveted.
I do know that one of the reasons it brought tears to my eyes is because your girls made it safely into the world, and for that I am so thankful.
I'm so glad to hear your days are (slowly) getting better. Also glad that the energy of your house has changed for the better, and I think that will help not only you and your girls, but Kyle so much.
ETA: You are amazing.
You've hit 20 pages again! lol Looks like it's time for your babymoon lodge! I've PM'ed you
Erika....wow.....you are a soldier. the strength you had to endure through all that manipulation, truly superwomen type strength. i'm upset that you didn't have that open line of communication, i am so sure that if you knew what was going on, you would have visualized something to help you instead of visualizing wwII!?! your womanly instincts are remarkable. i'm in such awe of you, your story, and the loving support kyle gave you during such a tramautic time. my husband would have been scared to death. kyle sounds amazing!!!! i'm so happy that the outcome was of perfect health, but getting there was such an ordeal(and that is putting it mildly). you did it....your surviving....and moving on to the incredible awe of loving these beautiful babies that you and kyle have created. you are amazing, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. now i need to go and read it again. thinking of you, colleen
Wow, Erika. What a story. I understand what it's like to be violated during your birth, by someone you should be able to trust. I'm so sorry.
I'm glad that BFing is going well...and your girls have surpassed their birth weight! At just 2 weeks! Good job, Momma!
You are so thoughtful-- despite your difficulties processing and understanding all that happened with the birth, and the MIL problems, and the thrush, you still shared this journey with us. You are an amazing woman.
I'm just so shocked that Gail didn't bother telling you what was going on. I imagine she felt the important thing was just DOING it, and maybe some women would rather not know what was up. I agree with you though - I'd much rather know, so that I can have it be MY choice, and be able to be in the right mental place to cope with it appropriately.
You did an amazing job, though. Really wonderful. I'm glad that you've got Cosette to help you work through things, who saw things the same way as you.
What Kelly said - I can't believe she didn't talk to you about before just doing it. I'm sitting here steaming! You are truly amazing, my friend, again and again I am struck my what a strong woman you are.
Like Megan I feel so much at a loss for words... Off to read it again!!!
Wow Erika. You are an amazing woman and an incredible mother. Thank you for sharing your story. Hoping Miriam is feeling better and bfing goes better with her. Thinking of you.
I've been anxiously awaiting your birth story, and it was definitely worth the wait - but I never imagined that it would make me upset. I just can't imagine what that had to be like for you - well actually, I can imagine it, because you did such an amazing job of describing how it made you feel. It makes me angry that they brought negative energy to such a miraculous event. And that they didn't communicate with a laboring/birthing mom who needed it so much. I'm sure, in Gail's eyes, she was doing what she believes was best for you - but I still don't like it.
I'm so glad to hear that everybody is improving. How are they doing at night? Are you getting enough sleep?
Oh, and them sleeping while Kyle needed help? OMG! I mean, my mw slept on the sofa while I labored. But I have no doubt that if Michael had asked for help, she would have been in there with us. As it was, the moment she heard my voice change as I groaned through some contrax, she could tell it was time to be there. I just can't believe it!
Erika, you are AMAZING! And your DH was very strong for you, too. You did so well, especially given the circumstances- the lack of support you recieved from the ppl who were supposed to be there specifically to support you!
Gails treatment of you was just...discusting! I am really angry for you for her behavior. She treated you as if you were a mere vessel, rather than a human being going through a very intense, special moment. She should have at least told you, rather than treating you like cattle. You have every right to be angry with her for that! At the very least she owes you a BIG apology.
And the 3 of them, SLEEPING leaving you and your poor dh all alone during such a difficult time?? It was their job to be there for you! Thank god for Cossette, is all I have to say.
I read your story last night, and found myself emotionally exhausted at the end of it. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to actually been through all that. You are an incredibly strong woman, and I feel honored to have read your story. Thank you so much for sharing it.
What an incredible birth story, thank you so much for posting it and sharing. I agree with the pp about Gail meaning the lack of communication sending ~hugs~ to you. Sending positive energy your way.
Erika, I am speechless after reading your birth story. The only thing I can think of to say is that you are an amazingly strong woman. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life.
I can't even say anything to that. I was imagining myself in your position at that moment, wanting nothing more than to just be up off my back and in the water and feeling pinned down.. the distrust that started from the beginning seems like it accumulated to that point right there.
Oh I can't describe it. I'm so sorry Erika, I have no words. You're so amazing to me, from beginning to end. You've been my superhero. First carrying on beyond 37 weeks so you could have your homebirth, doing everything you could so that those girls would stay put a while. Then not rushing things or being impatient when 37 weeks came and passed. Your birth, and delivering two big, healthy, beautiful babies basically all on your own.. enduring breastfeeding and the challenges that threw at you..
Obviously I have no words huh?
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for sharing your journey. You're something else, and I hope I can be half what you are when my time comes (and until my time comes)
thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for what you went through, and I'm pissed for you too! To me, the lack of communication and the violation you experienced seems like it's the total opposite of what we come to expect as the midwivery model of care, with communication and confidence in a mother's body and intuition at the core.
It's already been said before, you are truly an amazing woman. I will be keeping your whole family in my thoughts as you continue to process and recover and grow. :bighug:
Thanks everybody! I am glad I took some time to write it out. my mom asked lat night if I "sugar coated it" (I told her everything) and I told her no...... She was surprised. But I feel like i am lying if I neutralize how I felt during that hour on the floor. I worked so hard to create a birth where I wasn't on my back. My biggest peeve with the medical establishment is woman not given choices and options and I hated the fact that they were going to require me to birth in lithotomy position in the operating room and yet there I was on my back............ I am very thankfu for Cossette and Kyle. The two of them were absolutely amazing through the whole things. I am so glad they basically picked me up and tossed me in the tub for the actual birth. Jessica made a comment to Gail "Erika dreamed, planned, and wanted a waterbirth....she's getting in the tub!" That hour disgusts me and all it had to be was my choice. The intervention was aboslutely needed, no argument. The girls were interlocked and without help there could have been cord prolapse or complete exhaustion and no further progresssion. I have little doubt that I would have ended up with a c-section at the hospital. I am sure they would not have had the patience to do what Gail did. I would have been heartbroken to get to 39 weeks, healthy momma, healthy babies, and vertex/vertex twins and end up with a c-section. I am just so dissapointed at Gails communication skills and Diana's lack of backbone.
I just read your birth story. I cried and I'm furious with Gail! I feel like she took your birth experience from you.
I think that's the saddest part, it didn't have to be a horrible, terrifying experience, what she did was good and nessisary - it was how she did it that made all the difference.
I am glad that there were those there, who stood up for you.