Not new but I wish to share my story *Dovely74's Lodge*

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Dovely74's picture
Joined: 10/30/06
Posts: 3
Not new but I wish to share my story *Dovely74's Lodge*

I’ve been lurking on this board for months. I don’t write often as I am not a talkative person. I feel like I “belong” with you guys more than anywhere else and believe that you, as a group, are the most supportive, intuitive and caring group of women around. You are all an inspiration for me.

That being said, you all have lodges that allow the rest of us to get to know you and share in your experience. I wish I could do the same. So here goes. Forgive me if it’s a bit long.

My name is Colombe (Dove in French) and I am from Montreal, Canada. I am 32 years old. This is my second pregnancy. I am 36 weeks along.

My first was 10 years ago and was a terrible experience from beginning to end. Found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after getting out of an abusive relationship. So on top of being an emotional wreck from the breakup, I was dealing with hormone changes. Then came the weight gain (70 lbs) and pre-eclampsia that caused me to go to a high risk clinic where I was never followed by the same doctor. I felt like a number. I felt that I was bothering the doctors with my health complications.

I developed kidney stones from the prenatal vitamins I was taking and from the Tums I kept having to ingest since I had to be lying down 70% of the time. When I was hospitalized for the stones, it was first thought I had a kidney infection and was therefore given intravenous antibiotics. I was rooming with a woman who was having major kidney problems and was passing rocks and blood every day. The day I passed my stones (more like sand but god that hurt!) I was told that I didn't have stones, that I had an infection (by then my bloodwork came back and there was no sign of an infection) and that I shouldn't try to act "sicker" than my roommate. At that moment I understood that I had no say in this, the hospital staff was behaving as expected (knows all), and I was a patient with no say, no matter how I felt about it.

A couple of weeks later due to the HB pressure and protein count I was induced. Came in at 9 am for a routine appointment, was sent to L&D. I had never wanted to have a natural birth at that point. I was given pitocin. They then broke my water bag and since I was handling the pain pretty well they cranked up the pitocin to the max. I was assigned a 24hour nurse and given a solution that both made me groggy and loopy. I had a catheter inserted and when the doctor inserted it, he ruptured something (we still don’t know what) that made my urine cranberry red for the next week. By 7 am the next day, they gave me an epidural so I could rest (at my request). At no point was anything ever explained to me. They barely explained anything to my mom. When I was fully dilated the doctor performed an episiotomy swearing I was having a huge baby and therefore would tear (he was born weighing 61/2lbs). I pushed for over two hours. I couldn't feel pain, the need to push or any emotions. They used the vacuum to pull him out. The doctor even made a joke as to the sex of my child, saying how small his penis was, so much that for a second he thought it was a girl!!!! Talk about rude. When they finally gave him to me, I was so detached from the whole birth experience I barely realised it was over.

With time I found out that part of the meds given to me were the equivalent of having 6 beers in your system. My BP was so high, had I felt anything remotely near stress I could have popped. At no point during the birth was this ever told to me and it left me with the feeling of total helplessness.

Thankfully, I was able to breastfeed for 10 months, even though a nurse, after being told I was breastfeeding, decided after my mom left, that I needed to rest. I was so out of it still that I didn’t notice but the next day, I made sure that the exec nurse was made aware of that and I demanded to cosleep with DS until we were discharged from hospital.

I can tell you from my experience that I did mourn my birth experience. I still do. I swore that if I had another baby I would go natural. I will not be deprived of feeling anything, pain included. The pain is there for a reason, it's your motivation. I did feel like part of my ability to give life was taken from me through my experience. Although my complications were life threatening, I cannot forgive my experience. I feel like I was cheated.

With this pregnancy my experience is sooo different. First off I am older, wiser and more educated. Second, I am married to a wonderful supportive man who treats my son as his own. When we decided to become pregnant it was something we both wanted. It was a happy feeling from the beginning. I must admit I was nervous about being possibly sick again. I wanted one doctor to follow me through this pregnancy. I was so certain that my condition might affect me again that I never considered using a midwife or giving birth anywhere but at a hospital. BUT I was not going to let things happen the same way they did the first time. I found an OB that specializes in high risk pregnancies but that also believes in the least interventions the better. She is fantastic, supportive, informative, honest and caring. Throughout this pregnancy she has never even mentioned the fact that I am overweight. I have a normal pregnancy so far, no overly high weight gain, no diabetes, no HB pressure. I questioned her about episiotomy (she said that this year was a high year for her since she performed 2 already!!!), pain management (she believes that it is each woman’s choice but is totally supportive of natural labour), does not believe in induction (except in medical necessary cases), she actually said that she will not induce any normal pregnancy until 42 weeks. She does not believe in routinely checking for dilation or effacement as it can lead to infections and is not an accurate way to predict delivery but will do it if asked.

All in all, I am going in this process with the support of my loving husband and with the knowledge that no matter what happens I will receive the best care from my doctor for baby and I, and not just the easiest care for the doctor. I also made hubby aware of my choices and he supports them 100% as he says that as much as he wishes he could have a say, it’s my body and I will be dealing with the pain and all. He will back up all my decisions.

Thanks for reading me.

Fawn's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 141

Thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations on making it this far and I believe this is the start of your lodge.......... you might want to change/add that to your title or maybe we can start another "official" lodge for you Smile

Joined: 04/15/07
Posts: 53

Goodness, I am sorry your first pregnancy and labor was so yucky. I am very happy for you that this one is much much better, and supported by your loving husband. Thanks for posting your story. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and delivery.

Do you know what you guys are having?

Amber Biggrin

Joined: 10/22/06
Posts: 1033

Thanks for sharing your story. And good luck with the birth experience you want this time!

And I agree, you should change the title of your post to make it your lodge. Smile

Fishlady's picture
Joined: 12/26/06
Posts: 92

As the other ladies said, welcome to your lodge hun.

So good and sad to hear your story, but I love that you have found a good dr to follow you with this pregnancy. I can't wait to hear how the next few weeks go and to hear about your birth.

Joined: 01/10/07
Posts: 51

Congrats on your lodge!!! I look forward to following your journey through the next few weeks!

ashamom27's picture
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

Your story is moving and at the same time leaves me with a feeling of hope! How awful that your first pregnancy and birth were so difficult! But now everything is better and I wish you only the best as you near your next birth expierience!

Joined: 04/13/04
Posts: 245

Hello and welcome! Glad you decided to be "talkative" and come out of the closet! Sounds like you fit right in!!

I am so sorry that your sons birth was so horrendous. My jaw hit the floor a few times. Thank goodness this experience is proving to be vastly different. Your OB sounds a lot like mine!

I look forward to sharing the next few weeks of your journey towards a NB! You can do it!

Dovely74's picture
Joined: 10/30/06
Posts: 3

Thank you all for your welcome and comments. I may sometimes have not expressed myself in the best of ways, forgive me as English is not my first language and with preggo brain, my mind tends to be all over the place. So focusing to be eloquent is easier said than done. Wink

Blindinglight, we are having a boy. We already have chosen his name: Victor Tristan. I can't wait to see what he looks like as there will be so many differences between him and his big brother. I can't wait to see their similarities also. I know this LO is awaited with lots of love and joy from everyone. My son has been practicing with my best friend's new born, we go over and he won't let anyone else but him hold the baby and take care of him and he readily explains he needs to practice to be the best big brother he can be. It's so precious!

Joined: 08/07/07
Posts: 137

TFS your story--I am so sorry your first birth experience was so hard...

I look forward to getting to know you.

Joined: 11/15/05
Posts: 467

Welcome and thanks so much for coming out of lurkdom and sharing your story Smile You sound very dedicated and inspired to have a natural birth. I am here to support you and tell you that you can do it. I am so excited for you and can't wait to hear how things go. (Oh, and your English is fabulous, no worries there!)

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks for coming out of lurkdom to share your story. It's sounds like you had an absolutely horrible experience and I am sure this birth experience will help you heal even more from the previous one.

Your english is probably better than mine, no worries there Smile (And I only speak one language).

gardenbug's picture
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

Soyez la bienvenue Colombe!

Dovely74's picture
Joined: 10/30/06
Posts: 3

I didn't know where to post this so I decided to add it to my lodge.

My son came home after a visit to his dad's yesterday feeling very worried. He had something on his mind but didn't know how to bring it up. He was on the verge of tears. When prompted he told me he couldn't tell me as he promised his dad not to tell me. NOw I am not one to encourage promises being broken, but he was obviously dealing with a lot and I told him we'd deal with the consequences after I knew what it was all about.

My ex, his dad, has made him promise to tell him when I go into labour so he can come to the hospital for the birth!!! I was like "WHAT???" First off, let me all tell you, we are not having anyone but my mom, son and my DH's parents at the hospital. We have told everyone that we will not receive any visitors while in the hospital. DS tried to explain this to his dad but to no avail. His father believes that because we've had a child together and have a history, I will be happy to have the "company" and surprise of his visit.

I am trying to understand his way of thinking. I cannot, for the life of me, believe that he would even for a second think that he is welcome at my husband's child's birth. I don't care if we had a child together. We are obviously not together anymore. Worse part is, he made my son promise not to tell me so it's a surprise. When we leave for the hospital, the plan is that DS will go to my mom's place. According to his dad's instructions, that is when he should call and inform him of our departure. DS is stuck in the middle. He knows that it's not proper for his dad to be there but at the same time, he's 10 and he doesn't want to disppoint his dad and break a promise. DS told me there is no way he will call his dad but he doesn't willingly want to break a promise. I told him to think about it and would his grandmother let him call his dad if he explained why he was calling. He agreed that she wouldn't. So we concluded that this is what he will tell his dad when confronted. My mother prevented him from calling him when it was time. I called my mom to make sure she'd back us up and she was raging mad at the ex, so I guess it's safe to say she agrees.

I am so angry that my ex could put this much pressure and stress on our son! I am so angry that he could disrespect my husband that way. He even had the nerve to "explain" to my son that since we have a history, we will always love each other and no matter if I am happily remarried, should anything happen, we could always get back together. "WHAT?????"

I definately have to have a VERY long talk with the ex. I don't want to get DS in trouble with his father but this is absolutely ridiculous. DH is livid. He said that he will have the ex escorted out of the hospital if he ever shows up (I would personally kick his a$$ but I would probably be too busy for that). Which emans if anything slips out, our birth might be stained with confrontation. ARGHHH

How do you ladies think I should address the situation so as to not create a divide between DS and his father but at the same time making things very clear to my ex that he has nothing, nor will he ever, have anything to do with this child (it's not his!!) and therefore he has nothing to do with his birth? I am so upset and stressed I can't even express it into words, I just want to cry.

Fishlady's picture
Joined: 12/26/06
Posts: 92

As another safety, be sure the hospital knows that your ex is NOT welcome into your room.

Not sure how your hospital works but the one I delivered my twins at, you have to sign in at the front desk and if you are on a "black" list, then you cannot get in.

Yes a Looooong talk with the ex is needed. Sorry you are dealing with this.

gardenbug's picture
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

Is it possible that Social Services can prevent your ex from coming near your family? This is not good for you or your ten year old. I'm not sure how things work in Montreal or how this would affect your custody arrangement. Obviously your ex is not thinking properly about your son's welfare. I would investigate this and try to find solutions through family services, a social worker, a minister...someone!

Your ex is not living in the real world. C'est fini! He needs to understand that and is having a hard time obviously. Is there someone he respects who could make this understood to him? He must put his son first and do what is best for him. He needs to apologize to him for putting him in such an awkward position. You do not USE a child for your own benefit.

gardenbug's picture
Joined: 03/12/07
Posts: 2025

I have been rethinking your situation. I cannot know all the details, but this is what I see...

It seems to me that your ex knows that what he is doing is very wrong. He is being devious and making your son keep secrets. I suspect that he knows that this idea of his could affect his custody arrangement. His hopes for re-uniting are not at all healthy and give your son unrealistic hope, preventing him from getting on with his new family and his future.

Are you at all concerned for your safety, for your son's safety should your ex discover he has broken his 'promise', or for safety in regards to your new family? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then I would investigate how to protect your whole family and enlist some sort of protection rules, whether through police or other organizations. In fact, perhaps the custody arrangement needs rethinking as well. You cannot take a child away from his true father, but you can restrict visitation to supervised times or other arrangements.

I hope a satisfactory solution can be found soon and that the stress from this situation disappears in time for your new arrival.