Sorry about your homebirth! Hospital birth can be a good experience if you let them know what you want and don't want.
I have given birth 4 times in the same Hospital. I made sure that the nurses and my Dr. knew that I did not want an epidural and don't bother asking me if I want one. I have stayed the standard 24 hours after birth each time and went home with my baby shortly thereafter.
I look forward to reading your story.
Thinking of you wondering how you are doing!
ummm...I'm all over the map. I know it will be over soon. I am afraid and I've lost all patience and I feel like a crazy person.
After an entire pg of not being able to get my house in order for the baby, things are getting checked off, I am probably driving my family insane because they are trying to help and I arrange things the way I would get them done, which of course is different than how they would.
I gained perhaps 80 lbs and couldn't even do much walking for the 8 months of being horribly ill. 60 of those lbs came on while I could not eat or drink, so who knows how they got there. I am out of shape and exhausted, so not very confident about being ready for this.
No doubt women in far worse straights have given birth and been fine, I just feel really f***ed up.
I just sent this email to my family...
I was worried about how late my mom would get home last night...I'm sorry for making the to do list so long. Having had four different care providers with several different professional sets of advice has my head spinning like a top when it comes to figuring out what to do. I think the closer I get to having this baby, the more panicky I feel about what I can accomplish, and that makes it harder on all the people trying to help me.
I'm really scared. It seems like so much of this pregnancy has been filled with unpredictable, very hard stuff. Not being able to do so much often makes me doubt myself. I'm feeling very unglued when what would be great would be to feel focused and grounded going into this gigantic, uncontrollable new experience of having a baby. Focusing on gestating, my big job, is singular and we all know has been awful. I feel like a puppy left at home trying not to chew on the furniture and bored out of my mind.
I know I have more blessings than I can count to have such supportive family and friends, and I know I will make it through this. I'm sorry I have been such a control freak and lunatic.I know I really need to let go in so many ways, that letting go will facilitate my relationships and my labor. I'm just scared.
Mom, you can keep the video as long as you want. There's no time limit. And you were right to yell at me to put those packages down. I don't know what I was thinking!
I can't even imagine how you are feeling at this point, after all you have been through. I know there is probably so much stuff you want to get done and I hope you are able to do it (with help from your family). But babies need so little in the beginning and I am sure you are all set with whatever you need at this point. And I bet you are going to feel so much better, just having that little girl on the outside. You are doing great, Rose. The end is in sight now. You can do it!
I can't really say it any better than what Karly already said. It's been a long journey for you!!!
Hang in there mama! I know you will get the birth you want! You can do it!!
I am learning to let go and focus on the now, and the future. I am packed and ready to go, I have a great support structure in place, and now I need to get my head in the right space to bring on labor.
So here's what I have been up to.
I am letting go of how much gets done. We will get through on whatever we've accomplished, and there will always be more, so no use borrowing trouble.
I'm done researching labor and delivery. My last childbirth ed class is tomorrow night. My head is full, my birth plan complete, I will discover more on my journey than I will in anything I can read or hear about.
I have been (with the exception of yesterday) walking an hour to an hour and a half in the pool every day to get back some strength and health. It actually has me feeling better.
I'm set to see the doula once a week, and I can call her anytime. My support partner Jen has her work schedule covered. My husband has his time off set up. The in-laws and my mom are ready to watch the kids at in-laws' house.
The doc is in town this week, but gone for the next two. I am hoping to be in labor soon. The cramps and contractions came back yesterday, so that is a good sign. I go to the chiropractor tomorrow (he has a 100% track record for getting labor going if baby is ready) and I am looking into accupuncture. All my home birth supplies are in the closet and ready to go should such supplies have the opportunity to be used...if my doula goes into midwife mode and depending on my progress. No expectations or hopes there, just preparation.
I worked on baby girl's quilt today. it's really sweet. Camera is packed, so pictures will have to wait. Since I live blocks from the ocean, the quilt is filled with blues, greens, and yellows, with a little sailboat.
I made a noodle casserole to freeze tonight.
Thank you all for your wisdom and compassion. I still cried today over the previous midwfe situation, but I am determined to let go of my feelings of inadequacy and focus on my possiblity of a healthy, natural birth at the birthing center.