Feeling anxious about a number of things.
Some of you might remember when I reintroduced myself here a few weeks back, I mentioned that my husband was diagnosed with cancer back in 2009. He went through a hellish year of cancer treatment, and his two subsequent scans showed "no evidence of disease," which is the best news you can get post-cancer. Well, he had his annual CT/PET scan yesterday morning. Neither of us were feeling especially anxious about it - he goes in for regular checkups with his surgeon and oncologist, and everything has been fine. We didn't expect to hear from his oncologist with the results of the scan until today or maybe even Monday, but surprisingly he called yesterday afternoon. He said that everything looks okay for the most part, but the scan did show an area of concern in Michael's liver. Could be nothing, but impossible to say at this point. His doc isn't treating it as urgent, but wants to do some follow-up before the end of the year. So suddenly the reality that his cancer could be back and metastasized is hitting us full force.
Then there's the pregnancy. I've been pretty scared ever since I found out I was pregnant. There is a part of me that feels like I have no business being pregnant at my age. I think I'm about 12 weeks now, and although everything seems to be progressing fine, and there have been no signs of anything amiss, I can't seem to stop worrying. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to date the pregnancy, and I'm terrified it's going to reveal something terrible - that the baby has died or isn't viable or something. I've been thinking that once I get the ultrasound behind me, once I see that the baby is really there and everything appears to be okay, I can rest easy. But then I read about Michelle Duggar's baby last night and it threw me for a loop. I'm only a year younger than her. I don't know what it is about older pregnant women that puts them more at risk - is it that there is something structurally or physiologically about their bodies that is compromised, making it more difficult to carry a pregnancy? Or is it that their eggs are old and defective and they're just more likely to produce unviable babies? Whichever it is, it scares the crap out me. In any case, I feel like I'm never going to be able to rest easy with this one, and I can't let myself get excited or attached. Which makes me feel very guilty.
I keep telling myself that worrying isn't going to change anything - whatever will be will be, and some things are just out of my control. It's been really hard, though.